After the time I have spent in psych ward a lot of things have become clearer to me. Just because I have learned not to blame myself for everything doesn't mean that sometimes it can be my fault as well. I had been in a bad way for quite some time. Leaving people lost in my wake. I think it is finally time that I apologize.
This may seem like my ways have not changed and I always put myself before others it, but I need myself to hear this. I am so sorry for what I did to you. What I did to your body, what I let the world do to your mind. It wasn't right that I left you so long without asking for help.
To all my (lost) friends -
I do not know what I did to deserve you, but I do know what I did to loose you. For all of you who still follow me people believe me when I say that I understand what I did was unexeptable. I was in a bad way and rather than telling you I was in pain I showed you through all my reckless actions, probably hurting most of you along the way. I used people as play things, seeing how far I could push you until you'd push back. Most of you never did, until eventually I pushed you so far that it was no longer fun. It no longer made me feel needed. By pushing you as far as you would let me, which was pretty far for most of you, it showed me in some sick way that you needed me. It showed me that you would stay no matter what I did. That's why I had to let go. I hurt people, so many people, and never properly apologized. I begged for forgiveness but never once did I actually say "I am sorry". So here I am.
I am sorry. I am sorry for all I have put you through, and even for what is yet to come. This past month I have learnt a lot about myself, and a lot about people in general to know that it does not take a lot to break people. So
To Lauren, Bishop, Hayley, Mark, and Lyle who saw first hand, up close and personal, what my mind was doing to me. Thank you for being there, thank you for always trying to help. I am so sorry that my poisoned mind told me to push you away, told me I did not deserve you. I honestly still do not know if I do, because after all I have done you are still here waiting.
To Cassidy, Miley, Gav, Miles, and Eva who have never seen my face, but still did as much as they could through the screen. Thank you so much for always listening to me with out question. Thank you for helping me out with problems I did not even know I had. I am so so sorry that I cut you out like I did. Leaving your messages unread when I knew you were worried, just to see how far you would go to make sure I was okay. I was a shitty friend, and I really hope you give me the opportunity to make it up.
And finally, possibly most importantly, the people I hurt to see how far I could go for one girl. To Mo, Abby, Davi, and Ying. I do not know if any of you will ever see this but it is important that I say it anyway. Abby, I am so sorry that I used you to get to her. It was a nasty mind game that I do not think anyone should ever play. Everything I said to you was fake and it is horrible that I caused you to loose one of your friends because I was curious of how far I could push. Davi, I made a really good friend out of you and I am sorry that I pushed you away during all of this. I thought that Mo would be furious if she thought that you were still talking to me so I decided to make that decision for you. Ying, I never knew you really well but I will never forget the short answer you gave me when I asked you to tell her I was sorry. I could tell you were pissed that I had hurt one of your best friends. I pulled you into that mess in the end and that wasn't fair. And finally Mo, there are not enough words to describe how I feel about what I did to you. When I did what I did with Abby I was testing the waters to see how much I could put you through without you leaving me. God I was so upset when it all backfired on me. Looking back now I am so proud of what you did. Leaving. I never would have had the courage to just say good bye to someone that shared a connection like ours. I am so sorry that I hurt you in every way that I did but mostly I regret that. I never felt for her the way I felt for you. There was nothing there but I was so scared that our feelings weren't mutual, so scared that eventually you would realize you were with such a shitty person, and I wanted a back up plan. But I also wanted to see if I would need that back up plan, I wanted to see if you would leave. God I am so sorry, I know with everything you have been through and told me about it is hard for you to trust people, and I ruined that. I just hope that I didn't ruin you. I know you'll never see this, and maybe that's for the better but I needed to say it, and honestly I was to much of a coward to text you personally.
This past month I have found out a lot about myself. The reasons I do what I do.
I have been diagnosed with
- borderline personality disorder
I finally understand why my brain worked how it did and why it convinced me that doing these things were okay. But now, set on a shit ton of balancing medication my head feels clearer than it ever has and I just wanted to take this time to say I am sorry and thank you.
I do not know if I will continue this blog, or any other social media presence because during my time in psych ward the disconnect really showed me what kind of things I was letting myself believe.
