🥀

Your patience, your kindness and your love smashes every wall I have up and I feel like an exposed creature who needs darkness to survive, but you picked the sun from the sky and placed it in the dark cave I’ve found comfort in. And for someone who’s comfortable in the dark, the sun is the biggest enemy.

I still think of you sometimes, but it's not obsessively like before.

You thought my love blinded me, but you are wrong. I see with my heart and my love has teeth. I loved you with patience, kindness, and devotion, and yet I will walk away absolutely with my heart in one piece in one breath.

I put together the pieces of my heart every morning only to have my heart break every night for you. Constant death and rebirth, but I die more vicious each time.

How do I let go? How do I command my heart to release you? How do I sleep at night when I dream of you? How do I live every day missing you? How is the sun not bright enough to shine my world without you in it? How is love keeping me alive but killing me at the same time? How do I reclaim myself if you are a part of me? How do I anchor my soul to stop searching for you?

Maybe one day we’ll see each other again and I’ll ask “How you been?”. You’d tell me stories like you used to and I’ll be sitting across the table gazing at you. Then you’d ask me how I been and I won’t know where to begin. How do I tell you that my heart died the day you left? That I waited every day for this day? I’d smile and lie, tell you everything’s okay. I’ll talk about my family and even maybe how I still write, but I’ll never mention the loneliness I feel every night. We’d catch up without saying the words we should, but maybe it’s best for our own good. You don’t need to admit you ever loved me and I’ll walk away again knowing that this is how it’ll always be. And before I leave, I’ll hold you one last time; a little longer, a little tighter like you’ve always been mine.

Do not fall in love with the version of me in your head. I promise the real me will put fear in your heart, for I love deeper than you can grasp and I am worse than you can imagine.

And that’s the thing with men, they will lie and lie and lie to your face. And even if you cut off their tongue, and they can only write, they will write lies.

To the deep hazel eyes that the moon was named after. All it took was one night for the rest of my life to change. Who I was before you died and who I am after you isn’t living.

I still write about you. Doesn’t that say enough? All the nights the world was asleep, I stayed up writing for you.

You opened my door so I can get in, I don’t even put on my seatbelt first. I reach for your door from the inside and open it for you. Gesture so kind, you missed the love behind.

I’m sorry that my love wasn’t the calm ocean, but rather a tsunami. That instead of being the warmth of a hearth, it was the burning of a forest fire. I loved you so much, it drowned you and burned everything all together.

I don’t wait anymore. But I still cry. I cry for the version of me that loved you. I mourn for her because I killed that version of myself to become stronger and braver in love. I stabbed a suffocating heart to beat again.

I never moved on, my love. I just go on, I’ve only continued on with life, still loving you every millisecond of the day and night. I just go on.

If you never love me, I’ll still love you with my whole heart. Does the sun still shine even when no one can stare directly at it?

No matter how far you are, we stand under the same sky and dream under the same stars.

A day will come when you ache for yesterday. You’d wish you could turn back time, but time is like a relentless river, only flowing forward. Even the stars shift in the sky each night. Only your regret will be a constant, faithful companion.