This MILSO Thoughts

Here is an update. P has been home from deployment for a while now. When he came home we spent almost three weeks constantly together. Since then we have flown consistently three weekends each month. However due to the situation with COVID-19 we will be apart for at least a month. I live on a different island and even if you travel inter-island you still need to quarantine for two weeks. This wouldn’t be so bad but now with the military he is essential and has been pretty busy. 

Our bubble of our world popped tonight. There has been times where its been punctured and repaired but tonight it popped. I have diagnosed clinical depression and anxiety which lucky for me, also comes with panic attacks. I am on medication for both. Being home and not being able to leave is so isolating. I am used to seeing people constantly at work. Coming in and out of my office or just walking by and waving. I am missing that contact. Due to abuse that I have endured in the past, I don’t really like to hug people normally. Which means some days I go without any physical human contact. 

This time at home has given me time to think. With a person who has depression and anxiety that isn’t always a good thing. I tend to over analyze things and I need to constantly be in control of the situation. And with COVID-19 there is a lot to think and worry about and we are absolutely not in control. This tends to make me frustrated. Sometimes I take that out on P. Tonight I might have pushed him too hard. 

I have diagnosed major depressive disorder, anxiety and PTSD.

They all go hand in hand and I had a rough couple of months while my boyfriend was deployed. It was difficult feeling like I could never really tell him what was going on because that would add to the stress. I never wanted him to worry about me and what was going on here that he would get distracted there. So my doctor put me on medication. It makes me numb and affects my sleep and appetite. Six months of being back on I was able to get weaned off.

Now my boyfriend has been back for six months and I needed to go back on the medication. Now that I'm not worrying about him coming home I need to worry about my pending end to my job. I just want a break... and hate this facade I must keep up. I'm just simply exhausted.

Those kisses that sneak up when I am cooking or washing dishes.

Unexpected hugs.

That look across a crowded room.

His heart beat as I lay my head on his chest.

Holding his hand just cause.

Grocery shopping.

Car rides.

Quiet silences as we just enjoy each others presence.

As we edge closer and closer to homecoming it comes with so many different emotions. Mind you it's still months away but I'm a planner.

I am also a researcher and I read lots of books on things. Including the close to ten I read on military/ deployment within the first month of him leaving. Let just say that lead to so much anxiety and stress, so don't do it. But I never learn, so I have been researching homecoming and readjusting to civilian life and it is overwhelming.

I will be welcoming back my solider from a combat zone a year later. He will need time to adjust and I just hope that I will be able to be there when he needs it. There are so many things he isn't able to tell me and I fully understand. But I hope he can reach out when he needs it.

I don't know what homecoming is going to look like but know that he only wants me to pick him up from the tarmac. We are planning a quiet night of just the two of us and getting to know each other all over again. I know he is my love of my life, but he will be coming back a different someone.

I have been in the military community since I was born. However, I have never heard of the term dependa until this past week. It was brought to attention by a military spouse and naturally since it is something that I am unfamiliar with, I researched it aka googled it.

According to the seasonedspouse.com, “'Dependa' is a horrible insult mainly used by military spouses to put each other down. Every military spouse is a dependent (unless they are active duty), but to be a dependa infers that someone is useless or stupid.” The second definition that was told to me by the same spouse is a person who posts things on social media to gain attention or sympathy for their service member is away.

Let me start off by saying this, the first definition there is one part that stood out to me. “This is a horrible insult mainly used by military spouses to put each other down”. This is wrong on so many levels. Being on our different MILSO journeys we all have a set of our own challenges. There are already so many external factors that already brings us down, why are we doing it to each other? We, MILSO are a community that should encourage and is there to support each other while our service members are away serving our country. What our loved ones do, it’s scary and carries huge occupational hazards that sometimes cost their lives. We are expected to hold it together on the outside, but really most days I just want to scream. I depend on my little community when times are tough.

The second definition of a MILSO who posts. Many times we are separated from our friends and family due to duty station changes. We deal with time differences, new jobs and trying to make new friends. It isn’t easy, sometimes we only have social media to validate our feelings. Who am I to judge what tools you use to cope. This may be their way of asking for help. Other times such as for me, I use my blog (this blog) as my outlet. A way to lay my whole basket of emotions out rather than taking it out on my soldier while he is deployed. Being this is my first deployment as a MILSO there is a lot of feelings that I am still learning to process. It is different than when my dad was deployed or my uncle. It’s a different situation altogether. I found it easier for me to just write it out and feel better. It’s also there for me to look back on and reflect. This is my process and the best way for me to go on this journey.