Let me tell you something, friends. It took me 26 years to figure out my sexuality, and part of that reason was because of a lack of information about asexuality. I had never heard the term until I was 25, and didnât fully understand it until I found several blogs on here explaining asexuality, and even then it didnât click for me. I had known since I was in middle school that I was attracted to more than one gender, but until I read about asexuality, I didnât know that there were different types of attraction. I just assumed the attraction I felt for people was what everyone else felt. I didnât realize that what I was feeling was romantic attraction, and that I didnât experience sexual attraction. It actually still kind of blows my mind that people do. Iâm kind of like âWhat do you mean you just see a person and want to have sex with them? What about getting to know them first?â Sex is so far removed from my mind when it comes to people that it is practically a nonthought. But I didnât realize that it wasnât this way for everyone until I was 26 and a friend was talking to me about her sex life (a conversation that stemmed from her seeing an attractive guy at the casino we were at) and it suddenly occurred to me that I didnât want to hear about it. At all. It made me feel really uncomfortable hearing her talk this way. And I couldnât figure out why. Everyone else seemed to have no problem imagining and wanting and talking about sex with theoretical people and I was just completely put off by it all. This realization sparked a period of soul-searching and questioning and feeling weird and broken that lasted for months. I all but withdrew from my social circle and stopped talking to my friends and family because I didnât know what was going on with me and I was scared, and anxious, and depressed. During that time I reached out to several asexual bloggers and read numerous articles about sex repulsion and asexuality and it all ended with me sitting down and thinking hard about all of my past relationships. It occurred to me that I had never experienced sexual attraction to any of my partners. (Well, there was maybe that one time but Iâm not sure of the circumstances surrounding it, so Iâm not sure it counts. Itâs still kind of confusing.) And then I realized I was probably asexual, and suddenly a lot of things from my past made sense. And suddenly I wasnât alone. There were other people like me, who I could reach out and talk to! I didnât feel weird or broken or like something was wrong with me anymore and it was such a relief. I came out to my friends to mixed reactions and a lot of confusion and questions that I was now able to answer.
That process; the questioning, the soul-searching, the reaching out, the finding a community, and the relief of knowing that there was nothing wrong with me was nearly IDENTICAL to what I went through in middle school when I realized I liked girls as well as boys and first discovered that bisexuality was a thing.
Now I can fairly confidently say that I am a panromantic asexual. And that even if that label isnât 100% accurate, at least I have a better understanding of my sexuality now than I did 4 years ago. And that is a result of having access to resources that talk about the difference between romantic and sexual attraction, and gender, and sexual identity.
If someone doesnât have access to resources that talk about these things, they may spend a lot longer than I did feeling like they are wrong, or broken, or something is not right with them. And they will be scared, and anxious, and depressed. And they may hate themselves, and cut themselves off from friends and family. And they may never figure out that nothing is wrong with them and that they are not alone. They may never find their group or community without the right resources and support.
Not experiencing sexual attraction is confusing, and takes a long time to figure out, and that time can be really hard for someone to face on their own.
This is why asexuals belong in the LGBTQIA+ community. Yes, ALL of them. Even the ones who are hetero-romantic. I donât want a lack of resources or information to make anyone feel like they are broken, or wrong, and to make them hate themselves. Because isnât that the community is about? Love, support, acceptance, and education?
Tldr: Finding out youâre not sexually and/or romantically attracted to any gender is just as confusing as finding out youâre attracted to the same or multiple genders. Aromantics and asexuals belong in the LGBTQIA+ community. Period. End of story. Block/unfollow if you disagree.
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