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        Transgender Day of Visibility is an important and vital day to celebrate those of us who are living as our authentic selves.  We can stand united in pride rather than shame and show the world our strength through our vulnerability.  As Laverne Cox said, “It is revolutionary for any trans person to choose to be seen and visible in a world that tells us we shouldn’t exist.”  As our community gains more visibility, the hate and misunderstanding of who we are becomes more visible as well.  Murder rates and hate crimes against our community, especially trans women of color, have risen each year.  Rejection from friends and family often leads to homelessness.  Children face bullying, harassment, and high suicide rates.  Many of us experience workplace discrimination, live well beyond the poverty level, and we can still legally be fired in 32 states simply because we are transgender.  Lawmakers are introducing one bill after another that marginalize and attempt to exclude us from society.  Now, more than ever, visibility is necessary to help change hearts and minds.  

        I remember when my parents bought a computer and set up an internet connection when I was in Jr. High.  I was finally able to research why I felt like a girl trapped in a boy’s body.  I learned about the term transgender and that I wasn’t alone.  For the first time, I no longer felt like a freak or outsider.  I gained hope and strength through the stories of those who had chosen to be visible.  However, I still lived in fear of what my family and friends would think.  Suicide was a constant thought in my mind because I was tired of pretending to be who I wasn’t meant to be.  Societal norms and expectations weighed me down and I became an introvert.  I fought who I was and lived in shame and fear until I was 29.  I had been married for 7 years and when that ended I was broken and defeated.  In my mind, I had two options, suicide or transition because I could no longer go through the motions and pretend to be happy.  

         Five years ago, I chose transition over suicide and it was the best decision I’ve ever made.  Even though I lost friends and family who disagreed with who I am, I gained so much more.  Truly loving myself for the first time allowed me to connect with others like I had never been able to before.  I was finally happy and free!  I chose to document my transition online and share my story with the world because I knew how important visibility was for others who were going through similar struggles.  This gave me the opportunity to inspire and encourage people to live their lives authentically and to love who they are.  The response I received was amazing and, in turn, it gave me the courage and confidence I needed to be more visible offline.  I began sharing my story with almost everyone and the friendships I developed have been rewarding and eye opening.  

This was written in response to a FetLife post. The poster was wondering why no one was responding to his profile or his entreaties to be invited to parties.

You want to meet a girl that you can explore your kinky side with. That’s wonderful.

Let me ask you something:

Do you have a match.com or OK Cupid a profile that says “I’m a guy. I’m looking for a girl. If you’re a girl or know a girl, would you send her to me please?”

Suppose you’re into stamp collecting. Do you go into stamp-collecting forums and say “I’m a guy who thinks he may like stamp collecting, and I’m looking for a girl to fuck and teach me about stamp collecting.”?

Do you see a girl at Starbucks drinking coffee and say “Hey, I like coffee, too. Wanna fuck?”

Every time you post on here asking for people to “help you out,” that’s exactly what you’re doing.

You seem to think that just because a woman is into getting tied up, beaten, and fucked in the ass, she’s somehow different from a “normal” woman. You seem to think that just because a woman likes to have sex, talk about sex, and sometimes be naked in front of people, she should want to do that with you, without knowing anything at all about you except that you like women to get naked in front of you.

Submissives aren’t submissive to everyone

You’ll hear submissives say “I’m submissive, but I’m not your submissive.” No matter how many times you’ve read The Story of O, there is no chateau full of submissive women who are available on demand to anyone who wants to use them.

Kinky women are not whores

Some kinky women may like it when their partner calls them “whore,” but they’re not sex workers. They’re not in the business of making sex of any sort available to all comers. (And contrary to popular belief, there is not a rule that actual sex workers have to accept whoever is willing to pay them.)

Kinky women are not easy

Some kinky women have multiple partners. Some women will do some sort of limited play with people they just met. As a rule most women will not get intimate with a guy they know nothing about. Kinky women are no different.

Kinky women are not objects

Sure, some women like being objectified, to be used as furniture, ashtrays, fuck toys, even toilets. But you know what? The women who like that trust the people who do that to them, Do you know why they trust them? Because they know them as people. They have connected as human beings before they connected as kinksters.

Kinky women have feelings

Do some kinky women want to be humiliated, degraded, hurt, and used? Absolutely. This may be hard to understand, but while they may want all those things, they want them in a supportive, trusting, and caring environment. You call my girlfriend a bitch, she’ll kick your balls. I call her a bitch, and she melts in my arms. See the difference?

Silence in Schools