No, Julie.

The lights of celebration dim, the sounds that erupt in the midnight air go silent. Another year passes and in comes the start of a new decade. The last 10 years have been a significant part of finding where and how I fit in the world. I still find myself uncertain, broken, and with an ever growing void. Where I belong is an enigma.

All I have remaining is my optimism and willpower. With them, I managed to make it to this point and with them, I hope to make it to the next. But I’m afraid my despair is getting the best of me. I will not succumb to the void that continues to consume my optimism, but seems it is inevitable. It’s been difficult to keep my head from looking down. The burdens of the world and my own doubt only seem to grow heavier and heavier. I don’t know where to go or who to turn to. When it comes down to it, I don’t trust anyone. Only God knows the storms brewing in my mind and only He has been getting me through it. I don’t want to whine and complain while people worry. So I must bare my burdens with what’s left of my smile in silence. This is the one time of year, I can let go of some of that turmoil.

As the new year comes I stand upon the edge of existence staring into the unknown abyss that is our future. Uncertain, alone, afraid, I stand not knowing what will become of me. Nothing to assure my tired heart and my worrying mind. Friends and family only to walk in front of me or behind me, but never close enough to reach out. I stagger through the darkness hoping to feel someone’s hand grasp mine tightly. I can only envy those who know that comfort as I slowly forget how it once felt.

As I stare into the face of the mysterious new year alone, I leave 2017 behind with no regrets. My heart rages with a fire that all of 2017 could not extinguish. I had my highs and my lows and I couldn’t be more proud of the person I have become. I promised myself to be bolder and I have come along way. I bonded more, networked more, and pursued more. I have lived more. My resolved has been tested this passed year and looking back, I have not waivered in what I believe in. Despite not being exactly where I want to be, I can stand proud on my own two feet, that I stand forward from where I once was. That will do.