issy's hideout

ok what's new work is still very inefficient as of always. i just realised im still doing work-related stuff up until i go to sleep (soon) but it still feels like never ending catch up lmao. because I know if i don't start this task today I won't have enough hours to finish the project before the deadline

and my body feels like it was run over by a truck. holy shit i nearly cried when i got home because it felt like my muscles and knees were disintegrating (it got a bit better when I ate something and stared at the wall for a while though (and I know 80% of the time when I feel like killing myself it's usually due to low blood sugar))

but anyways to say that this rotation hasn't been enlightening isn't an understatement. i try not to think too much about it but yes i get a tiny bit jealous when i see loving and supportive families come to the clinic. its nice to see how parents worry and are emotionally attuned to their kids. but you also see the other end of the spectrum which makes poor parenting really obvious

also im trying to sit through my anxiety that makes me feel like i'm making everyone else uncomfortable hmm

its frustrating to know that no matter how much i work on myself by myself it'll never compare to the progress someone will get if they have a safe, vulnerable, and loving bond with someone. idk, imitation will never be reality. it sucks man, but that's life and we all have to keep on going

ngl if i have to regulate someone else's emotions one last time i think i will explode :)

oh also we have a small win. i think my mother is finally waking up to the fact that me working such long hours does in fact have something to do with my fatigue. the other day i almost couldn't get out of bed because I couldn't lift my limbs for a couple of minutes (has never happened before)

anxiety through the roof these days recently :( ive cried like once per day for 3 days already

there's like this feeling you've always been doing something wrong no matter what, did I do this or say something that made people want to do things without me, make people want to talk to me less because i made it awkward

but at the same time people don't like it when you're an anxious mess or if they feel like you've got problems, you're hard to handle etc, i doubt asking would resolve the situation anyways and probably make things worse off socially later