Hati ‘Tissue’ 🕊

Meski dosa kita rasanya tidak pernah menipis, khilaf kita tidak kunjung terhenti, dan segala kesalahan yang terkadang sengaja kita maklumi. Karena pada siapa lagi harus meminta, jika kepada-Nya segala kehidupan kita bermuara?

RAMADAN 25: THE STORY OF MUSA

This beautiful story of Musa AS and his mother is told in Surah Al-Qasas. I cried while making these notes. It taught me not to lose hope in Allah no matter how yucky the situation can be. To have sabr. 

Yesterday I tweeted that sabr is a verb, not a noun. Although patience is clearly a noun, sabr is more than that. It is to persist. To accept, but to also work something out to better the situation while having faith in Allah. Usually people (especially those who like to misuse Islam and prophetic sayings) will tell us to just sit through the bad situation in the spirit of being sabr, then when things get worse, they tell you “it’s your qadr, it is written”. Are you for real?

When Musa was thrown into the river, did Musa’s mother simply leave everything to god? Nope. She had her daughter to trace Musa, to make sure Musa is okay. Although she was sad, she didn’t just mourn and accept what she had to do. She did something. Only then did Allah bring them back together.

Another lesson learnt from this story is, Allah will never disgrace you. All the hardship we go through, whether it’s the death of our loved ones, losses, breakups, failures etc are there for a reason. They all happen by Allah’s wisdom. And if we persevere and have faith in Him, we will get something better in return. Allah will definitely provide you with a reward bigger than those tests, if not now, in the akhirah. He promised.

Yasmin Mogahed once said, sometimes this dunya will sink us down to the depths of the sea, the ocean floor. You can stay there at the bottom, until you drown. Or you can gather pearls and rise back up—stronger from the swim, and richer from the jewels.

So whatever you are going through, I pray that Allah gives you the strength & make it easy for you.

August 12th was my first doctors appointment. I was so happy and so scared. I asked the doctor so many questions. I wanted to know exactly what to expect. The doctor told me to relax and that everything would be fine.

August 21st I had my first ultrasound. The ultrasound technician told me I seemed to be measuring smaller than I should be. I was nervous. What did that even mean. I tried so hard to stay positive. I still cried the whole way home.

August 26th I had a follow up. The doctor was concerned. She wasn’t sure if the fetus would survive. She had another ultrasound done.

August 27th my world turned upside down. I called the doctor hoping for good news. Hoping she would tell me I was being crazy. Instead she told me exactly what I thought she’d say. She told me I was going to miscarry. I hung up before finishing the conversation. I was supposed to go to work but I couldn’t. I was a wreck. My heart was completely broken. A huge part of me hoped the doctor was wrong. Doctors are wrong all the time. Miracles do happen. At least I wanted a miracle to happen.

Sept 3rd I lost a piece of myself. I miscarried my baby at home, alone. I kept wondering to myself why did this have to happen to me. This is not fair. I am ready to be a mother to my child. My brain would not shut off. I cried myself to sleep that night.

open your mouth about miscarriage if you don’t know anything about it.

It is not “just like a period”.

It is not something that “you can just try again”.

It is physical AND emotional pain.

It is a fluctuation in hormones.

It is waiting. 

It is your body expelling something that should have a life and future.

It is possibly having to take medication to open your cervix so that your body will start the “natural process”.

It is seeing your future physically fall out of you, or a hospital room because your body couldn’t correctly do the job and now the doctor will do it for you.

It is bleeding for days/weeks on end.

It is depression.

It is worrying about infection.

It is trauma.

It is waiting to be allowed to be intimate with your partner again.

It is never wanting to to be intimate again.

It is blood draws and HCG level testing.

It is a follow up gynecological appointment, and physical exam from a stranger when you don’t want anyone near that fragile part of your body.

It is possibly another ultrasound… of your now empty belly.

It is possibly the need for surgery.

It is crying on the bathroom floor feeling like your body failed you.

It is months of waiting for your cycle to regulate so you can “just try again”.

It is never forgetting the excitement, the waiting in the ultrasound room, the horrible news, the images, the pain, the due date, and the fact that you SHOULD be a mother to that child but you will never be.

And no other pregnancy, no other baby, will ever replace the one that should have been but is not.

It is never being able to truly feel excited when you become pregnant again. Because this never leaves you, and this could happen again.

Jika kita berpegang hanya pada keinginan, maka dalam hidup ini ada sesuatu yang berhasil diraih dan gagal diraih.

Jika kita berpegang pada ketetapan Allah, maka dalam hidup ini semua yang sudah Allah takdirkan untuk kita tak akan ada satu pun yang meleset.

Tidaklah bertentangan antara keinginan manusia dan ketetapan Allah. Di antara keduanya, ada ikhtiar dan doa kita yang menjadi jembatannya.

Perihal takdir, kita tak pernah tahu bahwa sesuatu adalah takdir kita hingga kita mendapatkannya.

Perihal keinginan, di sinilah zona ikhtiar manusia. Kita tahu persis apa keinginan kita. Kita diberi akal untuk memahami realita, mengukur kemampuan juga peluang, serta memutuskan keinginan mana yang hendak diperjuangkan.

Jika kamu kecewa, sebenarnya kamu kecewa pada dirimu sendiri. Kamu kecewa mengapa bisa keputusan dan ikhtiar yang kamu ambil tidak sesuai dengan takdir yang sudah Allah tetapkan.

Namun ternyata kegagalan juga merupakan takdir Allah. Coba telisik sekali lagi, apakah semua berhenti sampai di sini? Tidak.

Jika dalam prosesnya kamu isi dengan ketaatan dan tidak bermaksiat kepada Allah, besar kemungkinan kegagalan tersebut bukanlah hukuman.

Lantas mengapa bersedih? Kamu tak sedang dihukum. Mungkin memang ini jalannya untuk menemukan hikmah. Mungkin memang ini skenarionya untuk menjemput takdir-takdir baikmu.

Ketika kesabaranmu sedang diuji, Allah ingin membersamaimu karena Allah bersama orang yang sabar. Jangan malah buat Allah menjauhimu karena prasangka buruk dan protesmu.

Entah bagaimana kelak masa depanmu, satu hal yang pasti: jika Allah sudah membersamaimu (sebagai orang yang sabar), apa yang tak mungkin Allah beri?

Kecewa?

Sedih?

Marah?

Menyesal?

Apalagi yang kamu rasakan ketika mimpi-mimpi mu tak tercapai, harapanmu tak tergapai, atau sesuatu yang kamu inginkan tidak sesuai dengan yang kamu dapatkan.

Setelah itu semua terjadi yang kamu lakukan adalah menyalahkan diri sendiri, menyalahkan keadaan, atau jangan jangan kau mulai merasa tuhan tak lagi sayang padamu.

Jika kamu sudah mulai merasakan itu, coba buka kembali Al Qur'an Al Insyirah ayat 5-6

Maka Sesungguhnya sesudah kesulitan itu ada kemudahan ( Al Insyirah 5-6)

Jika kamu masih merasa masalah hidupmu berat, coba buka lagi lembaran Al Qur'an surah Al Baqarah ayat 216

Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu dan boleh jadi (pula) kau menyukai sesuatu padahal ia amat buruk bagimu, Allah mengetahui sedang kamu tidak mengetahui ( Al Baqarah ayat 216)

Sampai pada titik ini, harusnya kita mulai bisa berhusnudzan dan menerima apapun takdir yang Allah pilihkan, tapi jika hati kita masih keras dan rasa kecewa itu masih membekas cobalah mulai evaluasi diri dengan mentadabbur i ayat Allah, buka kembali Al Qur'an tepat di surah At Thahaa ayat 124 ;

Dan barangsiapa yang berpaling dari peringatanKu, maka sesungguhnya baginya penghidupan yang sempit, dan kami akan menghimpunkannya pada hari kiamat dalam keadaan buta (At Thahaa ayat 124)

Bisa jadi kekecewaan kita akan takdir yang Allah pilihkan adalah akibat dari dosa-dosa kita yang terus menerus kita lakukan.

Jadi masih pantaskah kita untuk kecewa akan takdir yang Allah pilihkan? bersabarlah sejenak, karena Allah punya caranya sendiri untuk menyayangi hambanya

Jika ujian terus menerus datang, kuatkan ketaqwaan, dekatkan diri sedekat-dekatnya pada Allah, ingatlah janji Allah yang terdapat pada surah At Thalaq ayat 2-3 ;

Barangsiapa bertakwa pada Allah niscaya Dia akan mengadakan baginya jalan keluar, dan memberinya Rizqi dari arah yang tidak disangka-sangka (At Thalaq ayat 2-3)

Buat apa kecewa, sedih, marah, menyesal untuk urusan duniawi, kan kita masih punya Allah : D

Yogyakarta, 11 Februari 2018

Semisal telat bangun, terkena macet, ban motor tiba-tiba bocor, dan masih banyak lagi.

people just get on and off when the time comes