Itās 2:23AM
eyes are teary
I donāt really understand why
I donāt really understand
why I need to have the feeling of
waking up next to somebody
or feel somebody look at me a certain way
I donāt understand why I feel
like I waste time trying to love somebody
or how Iāve become so angry
with losing another commitment
itās so uncomfortable
I donāt understand
why
I feel inferior
because thereās always been someone else
to replace me
I donāt understand why
these past few months
were any different
and why Iām so stuck
when this is what has always been
I donāt understand why I gotta be depressed
hearing someoneās name,
seeing Christmas decorations,
walking past dog toys at the store,
wearing my own sweatshirt,
thinking of Mississippi,
or shooting pool
God, I donāt understand why I can think of so many great things, but I feel the weight of all I hate is so much more. I donāt know why, but I attach memories to everything, and everything comes back to haunt me whenever I try to get out and civilize. It reminds me my bed is the only comforting feeling I have anymore. Itās the only thing that holds me when I wake up, heart pounding, head spinning, but tonight it isnāt kind enough to let me sleep.
God, I need a lover in my life, because it helps me remember what love is in life. I donāt know who you got in mind, but my mind is glued right now. I donāt know if Iām right about it, but I know Iāve been impatient with your answer. I canāt wait to share love with someone. I canāt wait to devote my time to someone to hopefully make them feel the way they always wanted to. I canāt wait to look at someone and see their eyes looking back at me, into me. I looked at my eyes for the first time today. It reminded me of pond water, and I donāt know what anyone else has ever seen in them, but it feels metaphoric for the inner struggles Iāve been having.
God, I know I can fight for this. Believe me, I want to, but itās hard to fight when you worry what is more right. I wanted to drive to Mississippi last week. I wanted to stand outside of that Walgreens until I died of hypothermia. I wanted to soak that car seat at Dollar General with tears, and flood the passenger side because I finally felt the loss of it. And I bit my lip and tried my hand at being the bigger man that night. I wouldāve carried her to bed. I wouldāve proved that I could be there for her through anything. I was a safety net turned into a bet, and I never hated someone talking about poker so much in my life. But I would still fight. I would give anything to go back to that weekend in October, so she didnāt have to fight her demons alone. I would give anything to this girl just to be that person in her life, but I donāt know if itās right. Because she tells me sheās independent, so I let her be. Crazy or optimistic, I donāt know, but I feel I see more good in her than sheās ever believed in. God the things I would doā¦
God, I know itās been years since Iāve talked to you. I know I feel Iāve never known you, but confiding in strangers has always been my thing. I donāt know if you know me but you know her. You know my lover, whoever it may be. I know itās now 4:08, but I felt youād be awake. God, I could use some sleep, and preferably someone to sleep next to me.