Midwest Poems

walking through the zoo

first on the left the giraffes are bowling followed by the gorillas

they’re building cabinets, dressers, and night stands

snakes spend most of their time gambling for the finest skin suits

as the bears are financing their future

determining if they worked through winter, could they buy their way out?

dolphins are constantly oblivious always on the phone

calling their travel agents

they’re sick of sharing with the penguins

whose soccer ball keeps disturbing their water

the elephants craft gorgeous tapestries sold by the camels

and the llamas around the corner each arguing they’ll get you a better deal

the birds are all musicians cellists, violinists, saxophone players, and pianists

but they never sing

and at the end of it all, the big cats

they study astronomy and calculus

scholars diving deep in the stars as we walk through the zoo

you and I

hand in hand

smiling, laughing

as the cats become startled

pointing their scholarly paws to the sky

we stare up as you grab my arm

just to see the pigs passing overhead in handcrafted aeronautical aircrafts

and you look,

and smile,

Jesse was one of my first friends from my first school we had the same Kindergarten teacher first door on the left which I’m sure was because it’d be easier to get to you see, he was in a wheel chair outfitted in a full lower body cast a calcium deficiency if I remember

the next year, first grade, I saw him when we went to meet our new teachers I was surprised to see him at the end of the main hall, walking but by September’s end, he was back in that wheel chair and plaster covered legs

the playground was beside the school down a steep hill of wood chips and in first grade I finally noticed Jesse always had to sit on top of the hill by himself and just watch suddenly, I felt bad for him for the first time since knowing him

some days later, a girl got hurt, or something, and both teachers on duty had to go inside with her we got this crazy idea, a friend and I I don’t remember whom, but if I had to guess, it’d be Keith we all thought he was some sort of bad ass mostly for three reasons: he was a year older, he had an earring, and he didn’t mind hanging out with the girls on top of the slide hell, even I joined him and the girls on a few occasions

anyway, we climbed up the hill quickly told Jesse to trust us and carried him to the monkey bars set him down on the platform stood beside him for safety and let him swing, swing, swing bar to bar

most of the playground took notice and halfway through they started to chant his name and clap he made it to the opposite side, paused and turned around he started crying, smiling starting back towards the side he came from you could see him staring through the monkey bars to the sky feeling some sort of superman and that’s about the time a teacher returned and noticed what was going on we kept cheering him on, but halfway through his return journey, she lowered him back to his chair and she wasn’t particularly happy with me I was used to that response by then

I came up to him briefly after asking why they wouldn’t let him on the monkey bars he replied, “they didn’t think it was safe” but he was still grinning from his brief adventure I tried arguing that we had his chair and would’ve got him down if he was slipping he just waved his hand at me looked at me and calmly said, “thanks”

It’s 2:23AM eyes are teary I don’t really understand why

I don’t really understand why I need to have the feeling of waking up next to somebody or feel somebody look at me a certain way

I don’t understand why I feel like I waste time trying to love somebody or how I’ve become so angry with losing another commitment it’s so uncomfortable

I don’t understand why I feel inferior because there’s always been someone else to replace me

I don’t understand why these past few months were any different and why I’m so stuck when this is what has always been

I don’t understand why I gotta be depressed hearing someone’s name, seeing Christmas decorations, walking past dog toys at the store, wearing my own sweatshirt, thinking of Mississippi, or shooting pool

God, I don’t understand why I can think of so many great things, but I feel the weight of all I hate is so much more. I don’t know why, but I attach memories to everything, and everything comes back to haunt me whenever I try to get out and civilize. It reminds me my bed is the only comforting feeling I have anymore. It’s the only thing that holds me when I wake up, heart pounding, head spinning, but tonight it isn’t kind enough to let me sleep.

God, I need a lover in my life, because it helps me remember what love is in life. I don’t know who you got in mind, but my mind is glued right now. I don’t know if I’m right about it, but I know I’ve been impatient with your answer. I can’t wait to share love with someone. I can’t wait to devote my time to someone to hopefully make them feel the way they always wanted to. I can’t wait to look at someone and see their eyes looking back at me, into me. I looked at my eyes for the first time today. It reminded me of pond water, and I don’t know what anyone else has ever seen in them, but it feels metaphoric for the inner struggles I’ve been having.

God, I know I can fight for this. Believe me, I want to, but it’s hard to fight when you worry what is more right. I wanted to drive to Mississippi last week. I wanted to stand outside of that Walgreens until I died of hypothermia. I wanted to soak that car seat at Dollar General with tears, and flood the passenger side because I finally felt the loss of it. And I bit my lip and tried my hand at being the bigger man that night. I would’ve carried her to bed. I would’ve proved that I could be there for her through anything. I was a safety net turned into a bet, and I never hated someone talking about poker so much in my life. But I would still fight. I would give anything to go back to that weekend in October, so she didn’t have to fight her demons alone. I would give anything to this girl just to be that person in her life, but I don’t know if it’s right. Because she tells me she’s independent, so I let her be. Crazy or optimistic, I don’t know, but I feel I see more good in her than she’s ever believed in. God the things I would do…