The problem with giving advice to angry and suffering people is that rather frequently the thing they need to know to improve their position is the last thing they want to hear and not something they have the capacity to internalize or accept
Unfortunate truths you can tell people that would help if they could hear what it means and not just what it sounds like
You were the victim, and it wasnât fair, but itâs over now. Nobody came to save you, and Iâm sorry, but itâs too late for anyone to go back and do it different.
Youâre suffering over something that cannot be resolved. Youâre allowed to feel angry, or outraged, or betrayed, but there will eventually come a time that you donât feel that so violently anymore, and youâre going to want to have something good left to go back to.
You canât make anyone love you the way you need to be loved. Thatâs how a lot of good things end. Not with a clear sign, something blocking the road that says âdo not proceedâ, just a splitting of the path thatâs still moving somewhat in the same direction.
You canât fix them. Nothing you can do will fix them. And if they fix themselves, they canât do it for you- they have to do it for themselves as well, because otherwise a day may come when theyâre alone, and as long as they live, they are their only true constant. So you can support, and you can encourage, but the hardest part is up to them. And sometimes they canât do it even with your help.
Sometimes letting go of someone feels like mourning at their funeral before theyâve died, and every time you see them after itâs like talking to a ghost that doesnât know itâs dead. Sometimes that happens. Youâll both still wake up tomorrow anyways.
I understand that youâre afraid, and that youâre afraid for good reasons. And I understand that being brave isnât as easy as just turning that fear off, and you would if you could in a heartbeat. But the thing is, as long as that fear is able to dictate your choices, it will have power over you. If you donât believe you can try to fight it, if you accept that it will always be in charge, you let the frightening thing stay present in your life. It will exist as long as you stay paralyzed. And that sounds cruel, but it isnât something anyone can fix for you.
The person you may let yourself become after experiencing the terrible thing may very well grow into a much bigger, much more terrible thing, and someday it will swallow the first terrible thing whole. And all that will be left is something far worse for someone else. And you will not be able to shrink it down by explaining where it came from, because terrible things that are dead and gone are never as terrible as terrible things that are alive right now in front of you.
No matter how much or how little I love you, I still do not have the ability to help you the way you need to be helped. I might be the helper you want, but I am not a helper you can get. If you are to be helped at all, you will need to accept that it will come from someone else.
