Emmrich wasn’t lying to Rook when he said he doesn’t regret their relationship.
But he did have second thoughts about it, before the end. And those are the thoughts he regrets more than anything, because they could have cost him everything.
His whole life, all Emmrich has wanted is lasting love, something that will last into eternity. Someone to hold his hand, to sleep next to at night. A person that will sit next to him and read books, or work in a garden.
Someone who will say “I love you” in return and mean it.
Wanting is a scary thing. A terrifying thing, if he is to be honest with himself.
Because now he has found someone who wants him back, and while Rook flirts with him in return, and does so at frankly the strangest occasions, Emmrich is terrified this is just another fleeting thing.
But Rook takes his hand, takes his heart, takes all of him and turns those too large feelings into something slightly more manageable.
Parts are put into Manfred; into carefully guiding him to become more, to become someone who can take care of himself long after Emmrich is gone.
More than an assistant; now a prodigy. A son, as Rook says, and a part of Emmrich settles, a part he did not know needed settling, but there all the same.
Like the piece of a puzzle he never knew the scope of.
Then there’s Rook himself; calming and exciting in equal measures until Emmrich no longer knows which way is up.
Rook, who loves unconditionally and surprisingly, who turns Emmrich’s knees weak and holds him up with the same look in his eyes. Rook, who tells him gold is his favourite colour and in the next breath admits that Emmrich is his first in everything.
And how can a man respond to that?
By bewilderment, at first, then pure joy and pride over being chosen. And lastly, thoughts he would like to not admit to, calculating ones entailing how to best go about it, to show how good it can be with the right person. How right.
It feels selfish, Emmrich thinks, but shows an immense amount of trust.
He cannot say no to that. To hold that honour.
So he kisses Rook, shows him the merest hint of what he can look forward to, even as his own body screams at him to take it further but also to step away before he ruins something beautiful again.
He gives, in the end, helpless not to.
Emmrich knows the exact number of days that pass between Rook’s first expression of interest, to their first kiss, to their first time.
And he knows the exact number of days between that, and when Rook is taken from them. From him.
When Rook is taken, Emmrich is terrified.
His love is gone without a trace, after an argument between them that they did not resolve, and the loss of two of their dear friends.
Emmrich can see why people are driven to madness, to desperation, doing whatever it takes to get their loved one back. His books hold no aid for the first time in his life. He cannot return to the Necropolis because what if…
And so he cries and he rages and wears himself into exhaustion again and again, dreams filled with nightmares where Rook is never found and there is an empty grave next to those of his parents.
Even Manfred holds no comfort for him now, as hours turns into days, turn into weeks until finally, there is a hand in his, and he knows that hand unlike none other, and he thinks do not let go this time, clutch it as tight as you can until only eternity remains.
