Fluent in Sarcasm

-You always have ideas. When you open a document, they disappear.

-You have a file full of ideas. It is lost. You open all your files and find hints of ideas mixed in between the lines. None of them connect. You follow them forever, deeper into the folders, until you can’t remember what you were looking for anymore. You end up reading fanfic until 4 AM.

-You’re not a torturer by profession. It’s merely a hobby. The sadism is a natural skill.

-Your fingers and wrists hurt from typing when you’re on a roll. You swear you’re not a masochist, but it hurts so good.

-Readers accuse you of causing them pain. You say you’re sorry, but you’re not. You comfort them while not-so-subtly digging for what caused them the most harm, eager to repeat the trick.

-Your friends enable you and laugh at your yelling. When you blame them, they claim they didn’t do anything. They never do anything. You no longer remember who started it, only that you’re halfway through the fic and still writing.

-You have a WIP. You swear you’re going to finish it next. It’s always next. There’s always another fic that has to be written first.

-Anonymous messages are sent to you, asking you not to acknowledge them publically. You know if you answer they’ll disappear from your inbox. Tumblr has eaten the Ask. Was it ever there in the first place?

-Someone comments on your fic. You have no idea who they are, but their username looks familiar. Every username looks familiar. You think you know them. They know you. It’s flattering, but you can’t shake the feeling that you should be alarmed by your poor memory.

-You reblog a writing prompt meme. It’s the same meme you reblogged yesterday. There are symbols instead of numbers, and you hope people will find them more interesting and send you more prompts this time.

-Promoting your own work is okay. You tell yourself this as you reblog yesterday’s fic post, tensely waiting for a rebuke that never comes.

-People laugh at something you wrote. You can’t figure out what. When you ask, nobody responds. They never laughed in the first place. You’re not sure you wrote anything.

-The fic is 50 hours long and 7000 words long; no one cares. A 10 minute speedwrite is reblogged into eternity.

-The kudos stack up. They are a solid block of names. You can’t read who left them. When you blink and look again, only 10 Guests have left kudos.

-Your inbox is full. There’s a comment on your fic. It has been edited 17 times. Six more emails come in as you read the initial comment. The numbers in your inbox climb and climb. You can’t find what’s been changed in the comment, but you can’t stop obsessively comparing each message.

-This comment is a book report. Glee and fear fill you in equal amounts.

-Someone apologizes for leaving a comment on an old fic. You can’t find who started the absurd rumor that authors don’t like comments on old fics. You plan their murder anyway.

-You eye your old username and associated fics. You pray that no one ever finds them. You resist the urge to tell people where to look.

-The fic is finished. You are dead. You are sick of it. You’ve never been so tired in your life. You hate the world. You force yourself to post it, absolutely exhausted, and suddenly can’t sleep for refreshing your inbox.

-The words multiply. You can’t control them. They eat your brain and come out your eyes. When people try to talk to you, you speak in snatches of character dialogue and narrate unconnected events. They keep talking to you, encouraging you to say more. The words own you now.

-No one believes you when you say the story is writing itself. You stare in despair at the screen. Why won’t anyone help you?

-You’ve misspelled ‘the.’ Autocorrect is wonderful until it’s not.

the story of how anakin skywalker fell to the dark side when there was so much good in him could’ve been amazing, and the changes needed to make it so aren’t even that big. give me an anakin that’s actually damaged from being a slave his whole life; an anakin that latches onto padme not because she is “beautiful” but because of her compassion, strengths and beliefs; give me obi wan meeting anakin w/ his master and actually bonding with him, agreeing about his potential even if he doesn’t quite believe an old prophecy; give me padme’s simmering fury and protectiveness over a child who fell into slavery which she thinks is disgusting but she can’t concentrate on that right now because her whole planet comes first. give me an anakin that gets to react to the jedi’s fears of him; give me the child that goes from being a slave to being sworn to an order that’s strict and tells him no; don’t fear, don’t form bonds, be better. give me anakin and obi wan bonding scenes. give me palpatine actually being subtle in his manipulations. have padme and anakin keep interacting through the years and anakin falls into slow love with her without realizing, because she is justice and compassion and strength.

 you can keep so many scenes if you just tweak them. so many plot points still work with some background added to it. give me anakin asking if he could see (/free) his mother and beind denied by the council because jedis can’t have connections, anakin, you can’t be attached. have obi wan reluctantly agree that they can’t do it. have him still have the dreams and still protect padme, but when she catches him dreaming and he tells her the truth (that he dreams of his mother in trouble and he’s not supposed to see her but he can’t stop thinking of her, how he abandoned her to that life–) and she’s the one who says they should go to her. because padme never believed in slavery and never wanted to leave her behind in the first place but she had bigger problems then, and maybe she feels guilty about that. have anakin realize he loves her then. and she’s watched him grow and watched him toy the line but she’s not there yet, and he goes to his mother and fails, that’s fine, that’s fine, but he doesn’t kill the entire camp. he’s not there yet. he does it by the code, but then he comes back to padme and he tells her the truth; he wanted them dead. he wanted them all dead. he wanted to kill them with his own hands. she tells him the same thing– that anger is human, that it’s normal to feel– and he says he is a jedi. he must be better. and then he admits; he still wants them dead. he is unsatisfied with the justice he got. he’s scared of how much he wants them dead. isn’t he a jedi? isn’t he good? and padme tells him he is so good. he is allowed to have feelings, she tells him. anger and fear don’t lead to bad things by themselves, letting them control you does. he tells her he loves her and she sees the man he could be and says they can’t. but she wants to, too. 

give me a padme that is just as annoyed at the jedi way as she is any other injustice in the world.give me an anakin that struggles with his feelings and not being allowed to feel them. give me an obi wan that doesn’t understand that struggle and those feelings because he’s never hated, not that much, but anakin has hated his whole life. he has been angry and afraid. give me a palpatine that says things just like padme does; that validates anakin when he has feelings he doesn’t want to confess to obi wan because he is just that much on the side of the jedi order that tells him to just not. give me a obi wan that has failed a friend; a brother, for real, not by convenience of absence but by failing to question his teachings. give me an audience who can sympathize with anakin and can almost fall for palpatine too because he isn’t so obvious the jedis should’ve seen him coming ages ago.

give me an obi wan that listens to count dooku’s warnings and feels torn, not because he doubts the ways of the jedi, but because he’s seen what those ways can do. give me padme and anakin in a slow burn love, with no wedding but with careful stolen moments through time where they let themselves feel, where they both love each other’s passion. where they are both a bit afraid of what it could all mean. give me a yoda that feels actual fucking shame when he realizes his speeches about fear and attachments and feelings is what drove anakin right to palpatine’s waiting treacherous words. give me a yoda with a reason to exile himself and to not want to tell luke the truth; not because the truth is hard for luke or might tempt him, but because the truth is hard for YODA to admit to.

anakin falling to the dark side out of fear of being powerless to save padme– to save his family– just like he failed to save his mother works, tbh. but  give me a padme who doesn’t die in childbirth because she “couldn’t go on”, like she didn’t have two kids, like she wouldn’t have fought tooth and nail to bring back democracy and been the first to lead the rebellion? give me a padme that doesn’t die in childbirth and raises leia for a few years so her fucking comments about her mom makes sense. give me bonding scenes between anakin and people, and superimpose that with the jedis telling him no. you can’t. 

have your audience start to agree with the dark side too, and then when they’re starting to think darth vader was fully justified pull the rug out from under them. have him go too far. it doesn’t have to be child murder, because that’s easy. that’s cheap. but have him be the direct cause of the jedi falling so easily; betraying them from afar because he knew all these people and their weaknesses and he is giving them away for one person. have obi wan and him fight with legitimate feelings; “what you’re doing is wrong” and darth vader asks why? when he has control. it’ll be better. he’ll fix it. and obi wan realizes he failed him because anakin still deals in absolutes, still deals in how slavery hit him; the people who can do anything are the ones with power. the ones who own things. is it greed? it is fear and anger and hate, and that turns to greed, sometimes. sure. 

give me a vader who drives away padme but searches for her because he wants her and his child; doesn’t she understand? she doesn’t, she can’t, she has never wanted one person to rule all. give me a padme who, like luke, still believes in anakin skywalker but who never gets the chance to say it because the rebellion is snuffed out. give me a padme who fakes losing her child so that anakin doesn’t know he has two because she can’t while he is vader. while he is under palpatine. give me a padme who dies fighting, tired and sad but still ultimately hoping for anakin to come back. to be good.

give me an anakin who thinks he’s lost everything and who hates the emperor for it but who’s given up; who lets himself be everyone’s fucking darth lapdog because what is the point? until he realizes luke is alive and then, then he thinks, he has something again. something worth fighting for. 

give me a story where i understand and nearly sympathize with anakin skywalker, where i feel for obi wan’s loss of his pupil, where i see the good luke saw in his dad from the get go but also what caused him to be so twisted. give me the start of the empire as slow and methodical, dark and the result of both sides of the force pushing and pulling instead of weird political moves that makes no sense. where i understand why padme fell in love with him and believed in him. where the jedi order meant well but was so obviously fucked up they were doomed from the start. 

This could have been rip-your-heart-out fucking AMAZING, it’s DARTH VADER’S BACKSTORY, he was FRIENDS WITH OBI-WAN. We knew this, going into see these movies, and look what we got. 

As part of the Creampuff Viewing Party ubykotex’s lovely PR people asked for a couple of questions for the cast to answer.

Check out what they had to say about life lessons, advice, and Hollstein.