A MuñAwesome Life

Please, help.

I feel so off. I wanna just... do nothing. Just hang out, just be with friends, just enjoy. But also, I can't leave the country without getting new equipment or else I'll be in México with no cinematic weapons at my disposal. So, I gotta work, work, work. 

I was on set all day yesterday and I got home just to sleep. I wanted to write something every day but that was just impossible. I was sweaty, I was drained, I was happy, but also dead. 

Yesterday was a good reminder of why I moved to the US in the first place. To achieve what I had this weekend. To live and love what I do. It was bittersweet. It was amazing to remember what it all felt like, but it was also really terrible to remember it's all going to go away as soon as I go home. No more friends or equipment or talented filmmakers I can bring to my side.

But anyways, the weekend was amazing and the camaraderie and friendships on set were great. It was all very exciting.

Today, I'm dead, though. I won't even write much. I'm at the office. I'm in pain. I'm tired. I have a headache. I talked to her which made me mad. I read about death and for some reason got self-aware of my own mortality (wow). This morning isn't great...

Today I shot the first day of my last solo movie in Austin (I'm shooting a 2/5s of another movie next weekend). It's weird, you know? I came to Austin for this reason and this reason only: to make movies. And now, I'm doing it, I'm saying goodbye, I'm trying to go with a bang... and yet, my heart's just... tired. This was supposed to bring me back. This was supposed to remind me how much I love what I do. And it did! But it's also a reminder of what I won't have as soon as I head back to Mexico. No more experiences crew, no more friends with equipment, no more talented actors that I am good friends with, no Austin...

But today was a good day. I'm exhausted and I really should be asleep cuz I gotta be on set in... 7 and a half hours, but my brain is both hooked on Redbull and filled with thoughts of friends and work and just this life I don't wanna let go of yet.

-Sigh-

On top of all this, she gave me more reasons to feel like shit. Oh boy, I know how to pick'em!

Today I officially had my first goodbye party.

It's interesting how just resting a little bit more made things feel much brighter.

Yes, the equipment we were trying to rent ended up costing less than half of what we expected (granted, we also took off a lot of equipment from our list), and so knowing that we can get the equipment to shoot this weekend takes a huge load off my shoulders. Between thinking about work, and money, and this movie... most mostly thinking about her, my head's just been a mess. And honestly, the movie should be my priority. I'm never more happy than when I let myself be engulfed by a project. But I guess, what I thought would be a good way to channel my last energies has become harder than I thought. I'm going through too much to be able to just let my brain focus on one thing. It's driving me kinda nuts...

Regardless, we're shooting a movie in 2 days! I won't be sleeping at all! And as soon as I'm done on Sunday (and when I have 15 days left) I'll be working my ass off to figure out a way to get the second short film done. I hadn't mentioned that, had I? Yeah, I'm shooting one short film this weekend and then another the next weekend. Insanity. 

Money, people, food, time... So many things that are hard to get when you're living on someone's couch, jobless, and nearly deported. I miss the nice blanket of school. The not worrying about having people around me, the not worrying about having access to equipment or resources... Worrying about grades seems so... irrelevant right now. I know everyone tells you your grades don't matter, and even though I slightly disagree, I strongly believe that the stress I felt two years ago from TOMORROW'S MIDTERM, is nothing compared to 'I have no job, apartment, money and haven't felt lonelier in a long time.'

1:31pm- You would imagine I'd have plenty going on through my brain right now, 19 days left in the country where I spent half a decade. You would imagine some sort of survival instinct would kick in and my brain would get wired and ready to do and write and direct and mold and shape a possible future, a possible solution. But that's not the case.

I'm so tired. I'm so weak right now. I'm exhausted. I'm drained. I know I'll stand up and figure things out, I know I won't give up on my film dreams, I know I'll fight, but today... today I'm drained. Today, my brain thinks about catching up on Masters of Sex, Manhattan, Matador, and The Bridge. Today, my brain thinks about how much it hurts to know that she's with other guys instead of me. Today, I think about how many hours I have left in the office and the things I need to buy before I leave the country. 

I wanna buy every Marvel movie, I wanna buy sound equipment, I wanna buy a new battery for my Macbook and my camera, I wanna buy film books to study when I'm back in Mexico. I wanna get weapons for when I get back to Mexico so I don't actually sink and die. Money. That's the one and only reason I'm at the office right now when I could be with my friends.

I've been tumblr free since February 2013, and honestly, I'm completely happy and I don't miss it at all. But, I do miss the writing. I do miss the blog sense of this thing. A place where I can say what I think and what I feel, and since it's been so long, whoever sees this will probably just skip it because there's cat gifs awaiting or Doctor Who quotes on the horizon.  But... I don't know. With 24 days left in the United States... I feel like I need some place to write what I'm going through... to say all the things I have to say (not all of them, I still don't want to fully open up to just everyone) and get to see the evolution (or devolution) of myself.  Today, I can't say that leaving the country is the thing that hurts me the most, I'm going through personal stuff I wasn't planning on going through and it just majorly sucks. I was aiming for 30 days of happiness but instead that got flipped around and now what I thought would make me happy just hurts me. Aren't emotions amazing?

Anyways, 4 days ago I was super bummed out, but now I kinda don't feel like writing about it. 

I went to Six Flags over the weekend and I managed to bring 5 of my best friends with me. A part of me wanted it to be a way bigger group, but you know what? Those people have always been there, and their company is so constant that it just made sense that they'd be the ones to accompany me. Even when we have issues, they always manage to show me that I have people that are so very worth it in my life. People that I'll have to say bye to in less than 3 weeks... 

You know how usually you go through emotional shit and then you think "man, these problems are so stupid, there's people out there with real problems and here I am complaining about emotions!" but well, here I am, about to leave the country I made my home for the last half a decade, and yet, I find time to feel sad over issues of the heart. Isn't that ridiculous? It's dumb. 

Anyways, today I saw two friends that hadn't heard about my departure and they both asked me the same question "are you sad that you're leaving?" Uh... Of course! And yet... I guess I'm just living in denial. I know 30 days ago when I announced on Facebook that I was giving up, that it was time to accept that my time in the US was over, I cried until I couldn't cry no more. I had to turn my phone and my computer off because I couldn't bear read what people were posting on my wall. And yet, today... Today is just another day. Just another busy day where I have no time to sit and think about how in 20 days I'll be going back to a home I no longer know. A Stranger in my own land. Isn't that grand? Time flies... It really does. And when you take it for granted, you are making a huge mistake. 

Me: Dafuq?! Why is she killing everyone?!