Miami Comedy

Alright so I was driving through Miami the other day and I finally saw one. An afilador. The knife sharpener guy that used to roam around every neighborhood on an ice cream truck playing a jingle, or on a bicycle with a flute. I hadn’t seen one in years. And the moment I spotted him I knew we had to talk about this because the afilador is one of the most iconic and completely underappreciated…

Happy Fourth of July from the city that takes American freedom and turns it into a fashion show. Florida went open carry. Cool. Most states figured this out years ago. The rest of the country sees a holster and thinks safety, hunting, second amendment. Miami sees a holster and thinks accessory. We are going to do open carry differently than anywhere else in America. We are going to make it cute.…

If you’ve never left Miami and driven three hours in any direction, you don’t understand what this city actually is. You think this is just how Florida works. You think every city in this state has the same energy. Same Lambos at the gas station, same chains over white tank tops, same DJ booth at the Sunday brunch. You think this is normal. It is not normal. Miami is louder than anywhere else in…

I saw the news a few weeks back that another batch of Miami mayors got booted out, and somehow some new mayors I’ve never heard of are now in charge. And my first reaction, as a local, as a comedian, as someone who has watched this city operate at full speed for years, was, hold on, why are we acting like that’s a good thing? Why are we acting like Miami is supposed to be clean now? That’s not…

Listen, the realtors in this city have been selling you the wrong neighborhoods for years. They’ll hit you with the Brickell pitch. The Wynwood pitch. The Edgewater “up and coming” pitch. The “you can walk to a coffee shop with a hidden speakeasy in the back” pitch. None of that matters. The actual smartest real estate move you can make in Miami has nothing to do with views, walkability, or…

You’ve heard of the Irish exit. The classic move where you slide out of a party without saying goodbye to anyone, because saying goodbye to everyone takes forty five minutes and you already know your Uber is gonna cancel twice. The Irish exit is professional. It’s efficient. It’s a top tier social maneuver. I respect it. But here in Miami, we took that concept, marinated it in cafecito and bad…

If you’re thinking about moving to Miami, let me save you some money on therapy and just tell you straight up. Moving here is a cold plunge of culture. You don’t want to do it. Nobody is sitting in Ohio dreaming about getting yelled at in Spanish by a stranger over a parking spot. But it’s probably best for you. Once you survive it, you come out a different person. Stronger. Sharper. Way less…

Listen, I was scrolling through the news looking for something to talk about on the podcast this week and I ran into a story so Miami it almost made me proud to be from here. Apparently there’s a wave of nightclub bottle service influencers showing up with signs that are straight up offensive. Not “I love my city” offensive. Not “Miami runs on cafecito” offensive. We’re talking signs that read…

I was on a livestream trying to come up with relevant content for you guys because I care about you. So I go online and search up Miami news. Lo and behold, you know what is in the news again? Somebody got robbed by a charming woman in the city. I knew this topic was coming. I was just waiting for the next headline to make waves. And surely enough, there it is. So we are calling this one How To…

If you drive a fancy sports car in Miami, just know you can’t really do much with it. You can’t take sharp turns. You can’t put loud mufflers on it. You can’t rev your engine in any neighborhood worth driving through. The cops are doubling down on every car that costs more than a house. That $300,000 Lamborghini you just bought? Congratulations. You just paid a quarter million dollars to drive…

The Pub Sub brisket sandwich has been made. Where was this the whole time? I’ve never tried it. I didn’t even know Publix cooked brisket. Can you make a Pub Sub with anything at this point? All you gotta do is call it Pub Sub. And now they’re delivering it by drone. We went from “Wait at the deli for 20 minutes for them to call your number” to “Sandwich falling out of the sky onto your balcony.”…

Somebody saw me at Costco the other day. Monday afternoon. Going around with the fam. Picking up some food. And he hit me up like, “Saw you at Costco, dog.” And I said, you know me, bro. Monday afternoons. Free like that. And it hit me. That’s the real flex in Miami. Not the Lambo. Not the Versace tower. Not the bottle service at LIV. The real flex is buying steaks at 2 PM on a Monday. You and…

Here’s something I figured out about Miami real estate. If you live anywhere popular in this city, all they gotta do is slap a luxury logo on the building and now you’re paying two rents. The regular and the HOA. We all know that. But the worst part about having these logos on your building is they should be paying you for living in there. Because that’s a sponsorship deal. Where you staying at?…

Every time I see a flyer in Miami it says the same thing. “Get fucked up. General admission is free.” And every time I read that, I laugh. Because the general admission is not free. The general admission is your liver. Your dignity. Your motivation for the next 48 hours. Your gym streak. Your career. The general admission is everything you actually care about. Let me break this down for you…