my mind

If you had asked me to cross all the mountains, swim every ocean, and walk through every single city in this world, I would have done it. I would have done it twice if you asked me to and I would have done it all for you.

“If you fall in love with someone incredible who melts your heart and yet keeps it whole, hold on tight to that fire you feel inside for them and pray to god it doesn’t ever fade away. In that very moment you realized you had fallen in love, someone in this world realized, in that same moment, that they had fallen subconsciously out of love. And it will kill them to shatter the heart of someone they had promised infinite harmony to just as much as it will kill the person who hasn’t yet lost touch of the love neither of them thought would ever come to an end.”

Usually, when I have a pen and paper in front of me I stare blankly at it wondering where to start, but something about you brings so much passion and excitement into the hand I hold my pen in that it’s as if I could write ten paragraphs about you in less than two minutes with my eyes shut. I could go on and on about you endlessly because there’s not a second where I’m scrambling to figure out what to say next, every damn thing about you is worth the aching arm and cramping fingers for. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m mostly terrible at figuring out how to begin wording my thoughts onto a sheet of paper, but being in love with you has given me the problem of not knowing how the hell to stop.

It kills me knowing that you're there, and I'm here. You're in your world, I'm in mine. I want you with me and I crave for you to be next to me. I want to explore your mind and I want to explore your body to the point where I know them like the back of my own hand. And I want the little things with you, like being able to turn over in bed and softly curl my fingers into your hair and place a single kiss on your shoulder blade while you're sound asleep. I want to be able to walk up behind you and wrap my arms around your waist and gently kiss your neck. I want to have your body's attention at times when your mind doesn't, like when you're talking to someone else but your hand is still naturally intertwined with mine. Or when your arm is subconsciously placed around my waist and my hand is rested on your shoulder where I can then bring it down to where my fingertips can dance along every crevice of your back. I want to smile at you from across the room and watch you smile back because we know that the way we feel about every person in that room could never compare to the way we feel about one another. I want to look into your eyes and stumble to find the words that are simply said as 'I'm crazy in love with you'. I honestly want to just kiss you everywhere all the fucking time and be the person whose arms you fall into when your own aren't there to catch you. I don't want to be worlds apart from you anymore, I hate that the thought of you burns me more often than it soothes me nowadays and I want all these butterflies to be worth my while. Damn there's so many things I want with you but above all, you can't even begin to imagine how badly I want this world I'm in to be mine and yours. How badly I want it to be ours.

Maybe it’s not that you believe no one can find beauty in the depths of your mind and the things that keep you awake at night, but it’s that you know not everyone will and you would rather keep to yourself than risk getting hurt.

I was shattered glass when you found me, and you carefully and attentively pieced me back together only to throw me to the ground and shatter me all over again when you left. I had put my heart into your hands to mend, and you left me. You built me up, and that gave you the most control to destroy me. I wish you hadn't, but that's exactly what you did. I had given all of my love to you, and you just disappeared and that hurt me in ways I never could have imagined. I never thought you, of all people, would find it that easy to just walk out on me. But you did. The day I realized you were really gone, I became determined to piece myself together this time so that I would be less fragile. This became more difficult than I thought it would be when I realized I had now become shattered in places I hadn’t been before because of you. This glass that filled the inside of my body had become broken in places I was unfamiliar with. It was as if I were staring a blank puzzle of a million scattered pieces digging into the depths of my mind to find somewhere to start. I didn't think I knew how to attach those once broken pieces that had been broken down once more on my own. I didn't know if I could clean up this mess you had made of me, but the crazy part is, I did. It took time to make peace with the reality that you left me when you promised you never would, but I did. I moved on. I lost a part of me when you left, but I've realized that it was so damn difficult to cope with you being gone because I also gave you a part of me while I allowed you to mend my broken pieces. That part of me being my happiness. Not a fraction of it, all of it. No one else mattered to me as long as I had you. I put all my happiness into your hands and you were able to do what you wanted with it. You threw it away, and I don't blame you for that, I did before, but I know now that being in control of every single ounce of someone else's happiness is a big responsibility, maybe bigger than most who carry it understand. I don't blame you, and I don't blame myself either. I used to say I should have known better but the truth is, I did know better. I've been through this before and swore I'd never make the same mistake. I've come to the conclusion that there is no lesson in making other people your happiness, at least it's a lesson that I haven't been able to learn. I believe it's human nature, and you can't exactly control who you put the happiness in your heart into. I'll probably make the same so called "mistake" a thousand times more in my lifetime because I don't have it in me to hold back when I love someone, and it can be a blessing but, unfortunately, a lot of the time it's a curse. Hopefully I'll continue to grow stronger in the aspect and will be able to divide my happiness among those I care for rather than putting it all into one body since in the end, that one body became my greatest weakness. Sometimes it still hurts, and I wish I could run to you but then I remember that you walked out the door and it was best that I locked it behind you. I hope that some days you miss me like on the days that I miss you. I'd never wish pain on you, but I do hope I'm at least a passing thought that stings a little, knowing you lost me. Most of all, I hope you know that whatever your reason was for leaving, I don't hate you, I don't regret you, and- as hard it was to do so- I forgive you. I put those glass pieces back together, and I've decided that I have no reason to keep holding onto whatever's left of the pain you brought me and keep my eyes on the memories you gave me, and the love we shared while it lasted. I hope you will always carry a piece of me with you, and I'm certain that a piece of you will always remain with me.

His eyes aren’t blue, but looking into them I can still see oceans.

"So I sit here, and I wait. I wait for the moment that I fall out of love you and in love with someone that I can call my own. Because keeping all of this love I have for you to myself is slowly killing me as I live patiently waiting for the universe to intertwine our souls. Day by day I lose more hope, and it's weighing down on me. All of the frustration, the longing, the desperation to give you this love I have locked up inside of me eats away at my soul. I love you, and I didn't think feeling those three words for you would be so difficult and filled with heartache, and I wonder if love should be this hard. Feeling pointlessly captivated by you is beginning to take away from the excitement of that feeling I love so much. Every time I think of you, my heart flutters but the light inside of me fades because of the exhaustion from this hopeless hope of you ever being mine. I don't know if I could ever have you, and that thought, and loving you, is killing my spirit. If this is all the love I have for you has to offer, then I don't want it anymore."