–– money bags ✧

𝐓𝐑𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐒 . 

so take me as your breathing proof , for everything you’ve ever done for me , i won’t lie and fear no more , i hope you realize: you kept me alive . you are the only one , you are the only one that kept me alive , you were the only one, the only one that was on my side .

tris knew he ought to get up and change ,  hell ,  there was nothing he wanted more right then than to be in comfortable pyjamas ,  but he didn’t have the energy to get up out of the bed he’d already gotten into ,  so he would just have to wait until tomorrow to get changed . instead ,  he just pulled the duvet up over him ,  and tried desperately not to fall asleep before miles returned .

tris allowed himself to be led upstairs ,  where he didn’t even bother to change out of what he’d worn to the party   -   despite knowing he would hate himself for wearing denim jeans to bed in the morning   -   before he crawled into miles’ bed ,  more than ready to just pass out ,  which he knew he would the second his head hit the pillow .  hell ,  he wasn’t even just tired physically ,  he’d dealt with a lot ,  tonight ,  between miles and kai ,  yates ,  his eating disorder ,  then having to sit down and tell miles about all of it …   he was just about ready for today to be over .

’  but we didn’t …  no point in getting weird about it now .  ’     tristan hadn’t realised exactly how exhausted he still was until after he’d eaten some of the pasta ,  and until miles had brought up going to bed ,  but now ,  all he could think about was getting into bed and sleeping for ,  like ,  three months ,  or something . ’  yeah .  please ,  i think i’m gonna literally drop dead if i don’t get some rest .  ’     tris laughed out ,  somewhat unaware of what he was even saying ,  at this point .

the idea of eating in front of someone ,  no matter who it was ,  made tristan shift uncomfortably .  he didn’t want to ,  but it couldn’t be any harder than it was trying to force himself to eat when he was on his own ,  could it ? maybe if they talked about something ,  anything else ,  while he tried .    ‘  can we ,  um ,  talk about ,  like ,  anything else ?  ’ 

though the food smelled delicious ,  and part of tris just wanted to binge eat all of it ,  he knew that would only result in him throwing it all up again ,  or hating himself an unreasonable amount .     ‘  i should be okay with a bit .  like i said ,  i didn’t even realise i was slipping this time .  ’     tris hadn’t even known that could happen ,  he’d thought that it was always a conscious choice .     ‘  just …  maybe not much .  ’ it was strange ,  to talk about all of this so openly with someone ,  and it made him want to run .  like he always did ,  like he ran from everything .  having someone know the worst of him was terrifying .  especially because there was nothing miles could do to fix him .  he could hold his hand the whole way ,  but tristan knew he would eventually have to sort this mess himself .

‘  yeah ,  um ,  you can .  just …   i don’t wanna think about it anymore tonight .  ’     telling miles had been enough ,  he just wanted to curl up and cry ,  and maybe never speak to anyone ever again .  exhaustion tugged at his eyelids ,  though the starvation was far more overwhelming ,  and all of it combined with the running emotions was just too much .     ‘  i don’t ever wanna think about it again .  ’     the admission came out soft ,  though he knew it was wishful thinking .  the real world would catch up sooner or later .

‘  yeah . ’     tris mumbled ,     ‘  um ,  it technically happened before us ,  but simpson found out while you and i were together ,  and i just …  i dunno .  ’     he’d been scared to confide in miles ,  really .  he’d felt alone ,  the same way he did now .  but maybe this time he didn’t have to make the same mistakes .     ‘  i got a call tonight .  saying someone pressed charges .  ’     a pause ,  and tris took a moment to collect himself ,  forcing the next words out of his mouth .     ‘  i wanted to die on that floor ,  miles .  ’ he felt weak ,  vulnerable in a way that scared him more than anything ,  because he’d done all of this to himself ,  and he’d promised himself none of it would ever get dredged up .     ‘  i don’t know if i’m glad i didn’t .  ’

‘  i think … ’      tris murmured ,     ‘  i think if i don’t tell you now ,  i never will . ’     he was beginning to cry again ,  and his voice audibly cracking ,  but he didn’t care .     ‘  do you remember that english teacher that ,  um , ’     he paused ,  to wipe his eyes dry .     ‘   he got fired ,  and everyone thought it was ‘cause he …  y’know ,  with a student ?  ’ maybe ,  on some level ,  he wasn’t beyond saving .  the fact he was willing to open up like this had to be a good start ,  didn’t it ?

tris stayed silent for a good half a minute ,  just trying to get the words out .  he knew he needed help ,  and not many people were offering ,  but it was near impossible to admit to himself .     ‘  i want you to help .  i mean ,  i have a therapist ,  but …  the last time i opened up to her was …  ’     he shook his head ,  ridding himself of the thought .  a pause ,  he had known he could’ve told miles that ,  and if that had been the only thing ,  he would’ve .     ‘  i know i could’ve ,  but that’s not …  all there is .  ’

what tristan wanted top say was that he didn’t really feel comfortable talking about any of it ,  but he had to .  so ,  without thinking too hard about it ,  he began talking ,  letting everything fall out ,  like word vomit .  he was just too tired to even think about how he was phrasing any of it ,  really .

‘  i ,  um .  it started when i was fourteen .  i was ,  like ,  seriously fat .  which is why i never let you see old photos of me when we were together ,  because i was totally ashamed of it .  i stopped eating .  overworked myself to the point of a heart attack .  ’     his voice trailed off toward the end ,  knowing full well miles would probably freak out hearing that .     ‘  i just …    thought i was totally fine ,  all better .  like ,  since i hadn’t relapsed in two years it’d never happen .  i guess i was wrong .  ’

that was easy enough to say ,  he’d already given miles enough bits and pieces to put that much together ,  he figured ,  but the rest ,  the yates stuff ,  his parents ,  the incident with tori ,  all of that would take more courage than he was sure he had in him .

‘  i don’t know what to start with .  ’     there was a lot to go through ,  and tristan knew that once he opened the gates ,  it’s all come pouring out without warning .  it had been kept tucked away for far too long .     ‘  i just …   i already said i haven’t been eating ,  but ,  um .  that’s happened before .  and it was way worse the first time .  i didn’t even notice it happening in time to stop it ,  this time .  it kinda snuck up ,  i guess .  stress ,  or something .  ’     he was too tired to wipe away the tears that were slowly making their way down his face ,  as he shuffled slightly closer on the couch .