MPK. 323. I Stay, Slay.

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Two months ago my dad was diagnosed with an inoperable, malignant brain tumor following a brain bleed. Despite our hopes for recovery, he unfortunately was not able to get any kind of treatment for his condition. We were, however, lucky enough to spend the last two months with him by his side.

Today, my dad passed away. He was 70 years old. Because it is legal in the Netherlands, he chose euthanasia to end his suffering. It was an incredibly hard decision to agree to but we watched for 2 and a half months the incredible suffering he was going through. Towards the end, he could not even eat or drink as everything tasted horrible, he could barely communicate because his words did not make sense, he could not move around on his own and he struggled to understand many things. After watching this, it seemed cruel to let him continue the way he was, and he constantly told us he wanted to move on and end it. I was able to come back in time when I heard his condition had worsened since I left a couple weeks ago. The doctor said she had never seen someone so content and at peace with their death, and was amazed that he confronted it with no fear and no hesitation. We were present with him and shared with him his last moments and I held his hand as he went. I will say now that it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I hope I don’t ever experience such a feeling of pain that severe again. I am however, so thankful that he was able to make that one last decision in life and able to chose where and when he passed. I can’t believe the bravery he had in making that decision. I’m glad his suffering is over but I can’t help but be selfish and sad that my dad is gone.

My dad was my first and best friend in life. He was always there for me, no matter where I was and what I needed. He always made room in his life for me and made many sacrifices for me to be where I am today. He was always eagerly supportive of the things I wanted to do in life, and always made sure to help in some way to get me where I wanted to go. He was SO supportive of everything I did, online and off and was adamant that I knew what I was doing, even when I was just a 13 year old on the internet. All the goofy things I did he always encouraged and saw the creativity in it. Everything I did had meaning in his opinion, and he was always happy to see my work and to see it develop. He nurtured my creative side by always providing the right tools and environment. It makes me tear up right now just thinking about it. He bought me my first tablet!! And my second, and third and fixed them when they broke. He even surprised me with a brand new one when we moved in high school. My friends and family always tell me that when they talked to him, he always said he was proud of me. I’ve always had low self esteem in life but whenever I need reason to think I might be worth something, I remember he always had nice and even amazing things to say about me. He always put me first, always providing for me even when it meant he would have to forgo something for himself. He’s the reason why I am able to go to University doing what I love. He always shared his life with me, and I learned so many things about the world and how things worked from him. He was always eager to teach, and his excitement for knowledge is always what inspired me to learn more about my world. He was an incredibly creative engineer and inventor and was never short of ideas for a new project or experiment. I have countless stories of the things he’s done, his incredibly eventful and colorful life, all the things he created and the many unique people he met and influenced.

My life is filled to the brim with fond memories of him, he always made sure I could have fun in life even when things were tough. There was no better dad in my opinion, and I always thought we were as close as a kid and a dad could be. I miss him already so much, and I know my life will never be the same without him. Knowing I have my whole life ahead of me and him not being there is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to come to terms with. I’m still trying to come to terms with it. It’s hard, and it hurts a lot. It hurts more than any pain I’ve felt before. My dad was an incredibly spiritual person, and I know that he will always be with me. Wherever he is, I hope he knows we love him and miss him, and that we’ll miss him every single day.