banjoo

i was at my older's cousin's baby's 1st birthday. i was waiting in line for desert and this 1 year old (and 4 months the dad told me) just reaches for me while in her dad's arms. the dad lets me hold this baby and someone i was related to (i dont remember who) asked if she was this friendly with everyone. the parents say no, my relative says "you have a good soul, the baby knows that" after i hand the baby back, she almost started crying while reaching for me. later she ran up to me and let me bring her into my lap, didnt fuss didnt anything, just messed with the stuff on the table with this intelligence in her eyes, never seen a baby look so smart, like they all look dumb but this baby just didnt. ive lived with this guilt for so long, guilty i didnt get my trauma worse because that meant someone got it worse than me. and this baby just didnt see that, didnt understand my pain or that pain at all, didnt see the jagged edges. just someone who they didnt know. i felt like i wasnt such a bad person anymore for having good moments, for having an easier existance than others do. i still dont want kids but damn i understand why people have them now.

just clocked my sisters shit (she said so) bc i said her version of drawing women was gay men

reminder to read the tags on a AO3 fanfic bc one second im reading safield next second max on max like holy cow