Fraud
by: meteoritehearts
A fake, a fraud, that’s what I am. When asked to describe myself i always say the same three things. I say I am an artist. I say that I am a writer. I say that I love theatre. But really that’s not true. How can I say that I am an artist, when i draw the same three things on repeat. I am a broken record of drawings and yet no one has come to get rid off the scratch, if that’s even possible. Flowers, three quarter facing views, and the occasional...well actually. That’s it. That’s all I can do. Besides maybe one single eyeball. Yes that recurring eyeball. It's almost mocking me in a way. It sees me. Sees my mask. My fake idea of myself, the disguise that i can't even take off when I am the only one around. I say that I’m a writer. But the only words I manage to come up with on a normal basis are my phone password and the title of what ever show I’m watching. How can I say I’m a writer when I never write. I almost seem burned out. Which is funny because the fire was only a spark. So sad to think about. What a waste of time and energy put into trying to get the right words down on a white sheet. I know deep down that I will never be enough. Never ever going to be good enough. I can try as hard as i want but its still not enough. I say that I love theatre, but the only musicals I truly listen to are Hamilton, dear Evan Hansen, and heathers. I am a stupid tumblr post of a person. I act like I’m so intersecting and deep, but I’m a loser. And maybe that's why none of the people I consider friends actually like me. Because they see through my disguise. They see the true fake that i am. And yet my reflection shows what I see. Not the truth. The truth just keeps running further and further from me until I can't see it anymore. It’s gone. I've lost myself in the life that I want. In this dream of a person I aspire to be. I drown in my own sea of self-pity but I never fix it. I never reach over and climb out. I don't even need a ladder, I’m in a two foot pool. I am just a child, what do I know? Nothing. I rely on others who will only hurt me, but I can't see what they are going through because I can't get out of my own head. I need to get out of my head.
