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if i look back, i am lost
almost home
Not today Justin
The Stonewall Inn
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@messyfr3ak

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Being an adult will have you unironically craving a vegetable
washing dishes is evil because you go "oh fuck there's so many dishes this is gonna take foreverrr" and then you enter the dish abyss and emerge with your abdomen somehow covered in water and your hands all wrinky and then you look at the clock and what felt like half an hour was actually 10 minutes
wildflowers thriving on the side of the road i see you i love you girls
(voice of a person spiralling) its embarrassing but i still havent figured out if its ok for me to be alive

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so ive been thinking again and it's not going great
Marcel Proust, from a letter to Antoine Bibesco featured in The Selected Letters of Marcel Proust
What am I gonna do with my one wild and precious life omg it canât be phone in bed forever
Hon or We have both traveled from the other side of some hill, one side of which we may wish we could forget by Anis Mojgani
Do you wanna go watch the sunlight pierce the leaves of the forest with me?

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"I can't take it anymore!" she screams, taking even more.
florence welch was right. it picks me up puts me down chews me up spits me out a hundred times a day picks me up puts me down i'm always running from something i push it back but it keeps on coming and being clever never got me very far
i was training a young person at work, and she referred to sexual assault as "SA" out loud, and i immediately was like, "no, it's sexual assault, call it what it is," bc idgaf if the algorithm overlords have taught y'all that you should fear direct language, how tf do any of you expect to ever address real issues with any amount of seriousness if you can't even say the words? imagine an advocate looking a sexual assault survivor in the eyes and asking "did he grape you?" it's absolutely fucking absurd, but these young interns and new hires are coming into an environment where we deal with survivors of all different kinds of abuse, and they're coming with the mindset that the words are as bad as the actions, and that makes them shitty at the job and look juvenile af
i HATE self-censorship for a lot of reasons, but being in crisis work makes it even more frustrating. who are you censoring for? like i am being so fr, WHO are you censoring for? have you even thought it through? people who have been raped know that they have been raped. if someone attempts suicide or is grieving someone who did, saying "sewer slide" isn't going to protect them from any of the feelings. a murder victim's family isn't going to feel better bc you said "unalived" instead of murdered. if anything, it's just extremely invalidating and othering. it's saying "what happened to you is so bad that i won't even say the word," which is NOT trauma-informed care. you are not protecting survivors/victims when you self-censor. the ONLY things you protect when you self-censor are the puritanical ideologies that are being encouraged by rich fascists who want your money and obedience
say the fucking words, guys. just say the goddamn words before i go insane!!!
fingering my overstimulated femme so fast, sheâs hiccupping through her sobs. âthatâs it, cry harder baby. wanna see you completely destroyed.â three fingers deep, curling with each thrust. âlook at this mess. youâre dripping everywhere, crying everywhere. so fucking pathetic and I love it.â she tries to close her legs but i force them open. âno, youâre gonna take it and cry pretty for me.â

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I FUCKING LOVE INFORMATION!!! I WANT TO LEARN EVERYTHING AND KNOW EVERYTHING!!!!! I WANT TO UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING ABOUT LIFE, THE UNIVERSE, AND EVERYTHING!!!!!! I AM UTTERLY CONSUMED BY MY THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
The racism in Lotr really is the worstâŚâŚâŚâŚâŚ.likeâŚ..Lotr supposed to be this story about love that transcends where youâre from or who you are, about different people coming together at the end of the world, but that message ends up feeling so hypocritical when racism is embedded in the fabric of how Tolkien wrote Lord of the Rings, and in how Peter Jackson and co chose to mindlessly reproduce Tolkienâs racist coding in the films.
I do ultimately have the view that you can enjoy things while acknowledging terrible aspects of them. Â I donât believe we have to throw Lord of the Rings out, just that we should âunderstand the authorâs prejudices, and be mindful of how they affect his work.â But again Iâm white, so this issue isnât really as painful/visceral for me.
 But yeah itâs justâŚâŚ. Lotr is about the good quote âwhite-skinsâ from the English-coded countries of âthe westâ fighting the quote âleast lovely Mongol typesâ and âblack men like half-trollsâ and âslant-eyed foreignersâ and Asian-coded easterlings/African-coded Haradrim of the sinister âEastâŚâ I know people like to twist themselves into knots trying to explain how itâs Secretly Not Racist (even though it obviously is) but itâs horrible that thereâs clearly a reason so many people on the far-right see Lord of the Rings as something that validates their awful awful worldviews. Itâs ultimately a story about the Good White People from the West vs the evil POC from the East. The speeches about the glory of the West wouldnât be out of place in videos by vicious monsters like Jordan Peterson
And I know that some of the racial coding on the heroes is ambiguous in the book (like Sam) but I hate it when thatâs used as a way for people to pretend Lord of the Rings âsecretly isnât racist at all.â Like, Sam is described as brown, and you can make a convincing argument that Tolkien intended for him to be a POCâ but Sam is the pale white Frodoâs lower-class servant who literally calls Frodo his master. A couple characters possibly being POC doesnât fix the huge overarching problems with the insidious way Tolkien used racial coding (white/fair= good, hero, wealthy; brown= evil, villainous, lower-class, servant, shady). Itâs not a problem of a couple characters or just ânot enough representation,â itâs a problem with Lord of the Rings on a deep thematic level.
Side note: I do think the racism in the Peter Jackson films is different from the racism in the books, but I am also very wary of this Thing I occasionally see where people act like the PJ films were the ones that created all the racismâŚâŚ the PJ films deserve every ounce of criticism they receive on the way they handled race, but the books do as well, and Iâm uncomfortable when people bring up the racism in the pj films specifically only to downplay, excuse, or flat-out deny the racism in the books. Even if a lot is different the overarching problems with the horrible racist coding in the films have their origins in the overarching problems with the racism/racist coding Tolkien wrote.
Itâs a problem with literal racial cariacatures like Ghan-Buri-Ghan, and all the times when Tolkien uncritically portrays colonialism as a thing that was ultimately Fine while portraying the people who fight back against their colonizers as Deeply Misguided at best (the Wild Men joining Saruman because they donât understand that the Rohirrim who colonized them are Good Actually.) And thematic things like the way the book ends with the Shire closing its borders to anyone who isnât of their race, and this being portrayed as a good decision. earlier Tolkien says âthe wide world is about youâ you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot forever fence it outâ but in the end the Shire just fences the world out, fences out all the foreigners and immigrants, and this is portrays as the Right solution to their problems. (Honestly I HATE this plot point so much! It also is a clear example of what I was saying about how the racism/xenophobia is hypocriticalâŚthe plot point where the Shire fences the world out makes no sense with the overarching idea that âyou cannot forever fence the world out.â Tolkien was so busy being xenophobic he didnât notice it contradicted the themes of his own book)
I really hate how that hypocrisy really is at the center of Lord of the Ringsâ the hypocrisy of preaching love and kindness while at the same time coding the villains as POC and coding the heroes white, they hypocrisy of trying to be a critique of fascism/the industrialization of war while using imagery that fascists love and agree with.
Iâm not going to throw Lord of the Rings away, because I imprinted on to it when I was a Child and itâs incredibly important to me. I especially need Lord of the Rings now, because it helps me get through times of stress! But I do think that part of adulthood is realizing that you canât love anything âpurelyâ and itâs okay to have complicated relationships with the things you care deeply about. I also think that if your love for something is so shallow that it shatters under the realization that itâs deeply flawed, you might not have actually loved it that much to begin with.
Idk if this is coherent but a major theme of Lord of the Rings is that stories are like language; they have to grow and change with the cultures that created them if they want to stay relevant. And if I want to end this essay on a somewhat hopeful note Iâll say that I think if lotr wants to stay relevant, it does need to change, and itâs capable of changing. And acknowledging the deep awful racism of the original story is the first step to allowing the story to grow.
This is all very important for fans of LOTR to keep in mind. We can love the source material while acknowledging how deeply flawed it is and do our best to understand how and why, and we can do what we can to make the fandom and our own creations more welcoming and accepting.
Maybe because I studied so much about colonialism in particular, but I start to think my head might explode every time someone tries to argue that Tolkienâs works arenât racist. LikeâŚtheyâre just so structurally racist, in a way that shapes nearly every aspect of the stories being told. And Iâve heard the argument too that, well, Tolkien was basing his works on all these old epics and poems and he was just reflecting those storiesâ racism, for cultural or historical purposesâand thatâs such a deflective, inane argument that it makes me want to start bashing in heads with a copy of Orlando Furioso.
But then some people on tumblr also recently got REALLY pissed at me for saying that Tolkienâs works were very obviously sexist, so I guess people will see whatever they want to see in the media they like.