all i need to know

102

I don’t feel hurt, I don’t feel pain Because there’s nothing left to say I thought you were the one for me Believed that you would see that You were the light in my nightmares Not just someone in the darkness I have been wrong since the first day Is there something you would like to say? Whatever you decide Things will never be the same again In our eyes, in our minds, in our stars In every single day of our lives Nothing will ever be the same Can you feel my pain? Blue skies are fading into grey As life goes on, I sit and pray That I had never met you there And then my mind’s filled with regret I would have loved you the same way Would have drowned in your eyes all day Holding you while we watch the sunset Oh, is there something you would like to say?

Dear Jameela, I found my old Tumblr password just for you. So I could write these few words, and so everyone can see how fabulous you are.

I created this account in 2010 and it shows how much I have evolved, how much I have loved, lost and struggled.

I didn’t really know you. Until last year.

When I lost my father last year, I was looking for something to cheer me up. I found “The Good Place” and totally was into your character Tahani. So I of course tried to know more about you and your background. Found your paint fight with Olly Murs, footage of your old VJing days and also ads.

But last year, I found out I was not alone.

My eating disorder has been controlling me for almost 15 years. I gained some weight, lost some, but overall lost my confidence and self esteem. When you started I Weigh without knowing it, little did I know it would change my life and most importantly my vision of it. I hate saying you can get a positive thing out of tragedy, but I really did. Losing my father made me realize where my priorities were. And you helped me realize that my weight wasn’t one of them. That there was more inside me.

True story: today, as I was getting my stuff and heading home, I overheard two of my students saying I was the best teacher they’ve ever had so far and that they would be happy to have me for a few more years. How amazing is that? I always tried to lift my students up. To make them realize that they were amazing no matter what, regardless of their physical appearance and fears. But for years I’ve been tyring to do so and think I did it well, but I couldn’t do it for me. You changed that.

You changed the way I see myself. If don’t have time for swimming or exercising, that’s fine. If I want to eat a cheeseburger, that’s fine too. When I was partnered recently, I struggled with the thought of my partner telling me I was beautiful and dreading any compliment. Not only was I beautiful on the inside for my partner, which I believed, I couldn’t believe when I was told I was beautiful. That someone could think that of me when all I could see was just my self-made distorted reflection.

I found courage and submitted my picture to your I Weigh page. The love I received was beyond my expectations. I’ve done that so often for the other people who probably struggled before sending their submission. In all sincerity. But when it happens to you, it’s always a beautiful thing. So I kept on going and wrote my story for the I Weigh site. And it feels good.

I am more than who I think I look/am. I apparently am a great role model for my students. I have one little girl in my class who had 0 confidence and suffered from enuresis until last September when she ended up in a new school and in my classroom. I couldn’t be more proud of the things that I’ve achieved in my professional life and YOU, Jameela, helped me starting building a bridge to do the same for my personal life.

As this day is a special one for you, let me remind you how important you are to me, to 400k of us. You most certainly saved lives in the process. You helped people change their vision of life, of their own life, and how they treat other people. 

So, Jameela, as I’m starting to evolve, positively, I want to thank you. Infinitely.