Welcome to Hell

a side effect of the fact that shane and ilya are not just husbands but also best friends is that i do in fact believe that shane calls ilya "dude" sometimes. he's a jock !! he's a jock and that's his best friend and the coolest and funniest person he knows like yes that's his man but that's also his dude !

thinking about the kidnapping threats thing again. i think like two months into them having a Relationship shane texts ilya something along the lines of 'oh btw i have a new stalker so watch out when you're coming into the house, the police aren't sure what his patterns are yet' and goes to practice meanwhile ilya is sitting on the plane staring at his phone in Concern. hello??? hollander?????

yuna is rearranging the living room and picking up shane’s childhood pictures to put them in a new order. she notices that one is missing and she knows exactly which one because it’s one of her favorite pictures of shane, him smiling brightly at the camera with a missing tooth. she sighs and picks up her phone to call ilya and he picks up on the third ring greeting her “hello, yuna” and she says “ilya, dear, i’m afraid you have something mine” and ilya goes “what is it?” and she replies “one of shane’s childhood picture” and ilya goes “yuna, you know i love you like a mother, yes?” and she’s like “yes, dear, i know” and ilya keeps going “i’m not returning this photo” and yuna snorts “ilya, this one is my favorite” and ilya’s like “it’s mine too” and she says “if you return it to me, i promise i’ll make a copy of every single one you like” and ilya goes “you promise?” and yuna says “i promise”. weeks later ilya is sitting there with a copy of the entire photo album.

the communications intern was sent by the centaurs team players to make a funny video with ilya and they approaches him saying “if you can answer this one question without mentioning shane at all, even once, we’ll give you a prize” and ilya says “okay, doesn’t seem too hard” and the intern gives a mischievous smile and asks “what’s the perfect routine for a good game day?” and ilya begins “first i have to wake up cuddling with—“ and he stops and looks at the intern who has this smug grin on his face and ilya goes “it’s harder than i expected” and the intern replies “the whole team bet you’d lose” and ilya raises an eyebrow and says irritably “then let’s start over” he composes himself and begins “my perfect routine is to wake up in my wonderful bed, then brush my teeth and have a hearty breakfast, go to the gym to work out my muscles, drink a protein shake, then take a shower and go practice hockey with my amazing team whom i love like family” and the intern ends the recording and goes “congratulations, i genuinely didn’t think you’d pull it off” and ilya gasps putting his hand over his heart and goes “do you guys think i’m obsessed with shane?” and the intern’s like “no?” and ilya replies “i am, what’s my prize?” and the intern calls out louder “bring in the prize” and shane wearing a sweatsuit and glasses with his hair still wet from a recent shower enters the room looking confused and ilya sighs and goes “it’s the best prize in the world” and he raises his arms so shane will come closer and hug him, and shane does. ilya buries his face in shane’s stomach and says in a muffled voice “shane, the intern is being mean to me” and shane snorts as he strokes ilya’s curls and looks at the intern who is laughing at the situation, and shane goes “poor big russian man being bullied by a 20-year-old” and ilya lets out a whine “yeah shane, thank goodness you came to my rescue” and he looks up and pouts and shane kisses him and says laughing "let’s go home, you big baby” stepping away from ilya and holding out his hand for him to take so he can stand up and they both say goodbye to the intern. the next day in the locker room the guys start handing shane $10 each, the whole team bet that ilya would lose and shane’s grinning the whole time because he knows his husband is just as competitive as he is.

ilya and shane have been making out for a while. ilya starts kissing shane’s neck and giving him loving bites and shane moans and goes “ilya, we really need to leave now, our friends are waiting and we’re already late” and ilya replies between kisses “shane, no one would care if we got there a little late” and he stops to look at his husband’s pretty face and says “just a quickie, okay?” and shane looks at him with a “really?” face and goes “it’s never quick with you” and ilya goes for another kiss and whispers into his husband’s lips “then let’s start now so we don’t get there even later”. they arrive an hour late and troy asks “why are you guys always late?” and ilya opens his mouth to answer but troy cuts him off and goes “actually i don’t want to know” and one of the rookies says “i do” and one of the WAGs slaps his head.

i just imagine the oldies at david’s mcgill hockey team is jealous as fuck like what do you MEAN his son and son in law are THE HOCKEY GUYS like the best ones. some of them tried to get their child to date a hockey player and didn’t even succeed but david hollander not only is the father of the best hockey player but also the father in law of the other best hockey player??? i swear he’s living the dream of some of his old teammates they hate to see a uni reunion coming

they’re sitting side by side in the bench, third line is on the ice. shane is without his helmet and ilya took of one of his gloves and is stroking shane’s hair. shane is so used to receiving affection from his husband that he’s not minding at all even though they’re in the middle of a game right now. he’s focused on the game while his husband is showing him affection but without realizing he turns toward ilya’s hand, takes it, kisses the palm, and turns back. ilya keeps stroking his hair and then laughs and mutters “fuck”. noticing that something went wrong shane looks back and asks “what’s up?” and ilya nods upward and shane follows the direction his husband is pointing and comes face to face with his own face on the jumbotron. he goes “shit” and looks back at ilya and they both laugh and ilya says “at least harris will be happy about this”. harris and a million people.

now that they’re out and free, they can finally do things together for the first time, and one of those things is traveling as a couple with their friends. on one of these trips they went to a resort with some of the cens and the pikes. almost everyone is sitting at a big table in the hotel restaurant having breakfast and talking about all sorts of things. when bood brings up a topic “what about that couple in the middle of the night?” and cassie says “i was so jealous, bood falls asleep the moment he lies down in bed” and everyone laughs and bood gives his wife a fake annoyed look and wyatt speaks up “i was shocked, i didn’t know someone could moan like that for hours” and ilya replies “poor lisa” everyone laughs and wyatt flips ilya off and suddenly he turns to shane and ilya and asks “wasn’t it you guys?” and the two look at him confused and wyatt explains “the couple was two men” and ilya goes “we’d never be stupid enough to have sex with the windows open” and shane adds “besides, our rooms are on the opposite side of the resort, sound doesn’t carry that far” and ilya goes “mr. physicist” and shane laughs and gives him a light slap. the couple was actually harris and troy, who are eating breakfast in silence at the other end of the table.

the entirety of heated rivalry is shane shaking his head and chuckling going "i cant believe youre making me do this" and ilya going "im really not" and shane stripping his clothes going "this is so wild dude youre so fucked up for making me do this"

has anyone talked about hollanov doing that dirty polaroid thing delivered by a best friend….. perhaps shane gets convinced by rose thats its a great idea and then throughout the night of like their anniversary party or something rose and sveta secretly deliver dirtier and dirtier polariods to ilya and he’s like unable to function all night and ends up tricking shane into meeting him alone outside and they frott against a tree in the woods with shane’s big big hand holding their dicks together and ilya’s thumb in shane’s mouth while he’s talking about what a dirty slut shane is for him ……

I think Ilya's ultimate fantasy is being able to swap all the blood in his body for Shane's blood and vice versa. He wants to know that his own blood is pumping through Shane's veins, circulating through his heart, keeping him going. He wants to be the reason Shane Hollander is alive. And he wants to carry Shane with him wherever he goes, wants him in his veins, so enmeshed with Ilya's biology that they cannot be separated.