Professional Ghost

Merry Christmas! I am alive! I am in hell, and not the fun one, but I am alive.

Yesterday I turned 32 :3

God I'm so fucking sad and it's so stupid. There have been a pair of California towhees that live in my little mobile neighborhood, they've been here since we moved in. They nested in the tree out my window this year and I've been watching them and they're my friends and this fucking cat comes in the night and takes a baby. Eats its head off before I can get outside and chase it away. Baby obviously dead but one of the parents is missing too and the other one just keeps circling the neighborhood calling for its mate and I'm fucking beside myself over it I can't handle this. Like of all the shit this is the thing that's going to be too much for me to take. Like this is all I do since I tried to die I don't internet or video game or watch tv anymore I just sit around and watch these birds and now half their family is gone and I could have helped them and out of all of my problems it is so small. but it makes me hate being alive so much I hate it I hate it I hate everything about the world. I hate how hard it is to live in it let alone thrive, I hate how mean it is and painful, I hate the whole all of it, every part of being alive is something I just don't fucking like and it's like why. why do I keep doing it. I don't like any part of it and it will never get better WHY am I here. I can't even help my friends. I’m devastated and it’s all my fault

He was just a little crusty white dog but oh my god I didn’t realize how badly this would crush me. I loved him like a child and I’m so fucking devastated I can hardly breathe