{body double}

i forgot my fr-en dictionary AND bescherelle but wasn't too worried. the excerpt was actually super lucky because i had seen the author present her research in a conference style years ago, she works at my undergrad institution. it's about the n*zification of mozart in france and belgium

anyway i was kinda sitting there panicking because apparently a proper table needed an accommodation request and someone else had snagged it. it was one of those rooms with like chair-desks, that require really compressing your coathanger area to get any kind of proper writing angle. it was a 3-hour exam, i missed my pt appointment because the obstacle made me take twice as long, and by the end of it my tmj capsulitis and thoracic outlet syndrome were yelling at me heavy.

but the frustration of reading in my own language about how music was weaponized in the genocide of some of my ancestors, with a) my own language being a colonial imposition here on onoware:ke (incl. those non-defining admixture ancestors) as well as libnan where my friend will forever stay martyred, and b) the text reminding me of how we learned nothing and are now (as a cultural institution, at least) committing the very genocide that martyred my friend in libnan

how fucking hard is it to stop hurting other people & how the fuck is anyone able to continue on with their compliance (incl. me) after spending enough time on earth to know how long people have been doing this to each other.

it was a mix of his close ones in personal life and people from REDACTED. messages in the book were lovely and heartbreaking. the pictures were beautiful.

as i was headed out idk if it may have been his sister his cousin or his friend but someone approached me to say thanks for coming, i said thanks for..... the words didn't come just standing there in a rended shirt and black keffiyeh. and the implication of it

she said it was a comfort to see how many of us from REDACTED were impacted by him during his life and that people involved actually did care about each other more deeply on a personal level. i didnt really know what to say other than how strange it was to know half a person and not the other, but meeting them through the ones they left behind. she asked if we could share a hug and we did. maybe the two halves will still meet

you walked up to me and called me brave for talking about hormones in a criminalized environment, but what's braver than going back and staying? there was a little kitten we called gaza who basically lived in your shirt, who felt so comfortable around you because you cared for her properly when no one else would. this isn't even a metaphor, sometimes life just works out that way.

beirut's spirit yelled for me on easter sunday, a holiday i don't even think about or observe under normal circumstances. my partner was away and, since i don't share a phobia of raisins, i ordered what i was craving: kabuli pulao. me and beirut, we ate so much of that together. i wonder what time of day they murdered you. could we have been sharing a meal, in another timeline? will you come back to us?

i remember waking up groggy at 5am a couple years ago, hearing you yell and not understanding that you were in crisis because you had been using your rock bottom to cuss people out for not properly defending women and femmes in the space. that day, you made it through. we were with you and the bombs weren't.

{1} outline h [_] word to notes [_] quercus to word [_] what is now and what is later [_] the actual work [_] submit

{2} correct j [_] make spreadsheet [_] compile rubric [_] students list [_] correct in spreadsheet [_] email warn + attach [_] publish on speedgrader

imagine being logged on. insane anyways,

immediate: [_] outline h [_] word to notes [_] quercus to word [_] what is now and what is later [_] the actual work [_] submit [_] schedule me [_] phone notes [_] medeo [_] outlook [_] computer screenshots [_] family time put aside [_] reassess [_] correct j [_] make spreadsheet [_] compile rubric [_] students list [_] correct in spreadsheet [_] email warn + attach [_] publish on speedgrader