welcome to the bone zone

I also drank a lot of alcohol and smoked a lot of weed and a few cigarettes

I'll be fine though

I got some truffels(like mushrooms but softer) and some kanna (mood altering, relaxing, mentally invigorating, deepening social contact) you kan snort kanna or have it in your tea, so this will be the first time imma put some substances up my snout.

So I've been quarantined for over a week now, and a few days ago my brother (who I despise, I could make a whole other post as to why and all the ways he traumatized me) said that he was only going to eat dinner and nothing else because he had nothing better to do or something. Some part of my brain(my ed brain that I have struggled with on and off for over 5 years) suddenly re-emerged and said that I could do better. The next day I started restricting. I only ate a big cracker and dinner(wokked veggies that I made myself so I knew no oil would go into them) and told my mom I wanted to go vegetarian again(so I could avoid meat and higher calorie shit) the next day I felt great, only very bored. I usually eat a whole lot and a lot of junk. I watched a lot of ed vids and memes, and only ate a cracker and some tomatoes, and at dinner I ate soup and a piece of bread that I immediately regretted eating. I no longer saw my food as food, only calories. Usually that takes me a week to get to that level of disordered thoughts, but I think bc of quarantine and everything I think I got into the mindset a lot quicker. The next day was my brother's birthday. I ate a cracker with honey on it bc I had to eat with my family, and I told them i felt really queasy and sick, so i didnt have to eat more. They ate 3 pieces of cake, and I didnt have a single piece. At dinner (gourmet, idk if that's correct in english, I'm dutch) I only ate a few veggies, and I actually started to feel sick. Today I was pretty tired and dizzy, so I ate a bowl with yogurt and muesli in it, around 200 kcal total. I felt pretty bad about it but I knew I needed it. It is now 4pm and I had a bunch of tea and water, and I was so scared that my stomach would stretch bc of the amount that I purged some of it. It was the first time I purged In a long while.

*spins a giant wheel*

*it lands on the void*

Like, the guy had blackmail over her or was in a position of power causing her to have to sleep with him

Almost Everytime I played my favorite character was forced to do stuff (even non sexual stuff like forced to work And shit like that)

Around the age of puberty I started watching porn n stuff, and I used to only be able to come if there was something non consent about it, mostly r*pe I allways hated that I needed that, and thought of myself as disgusting (still do) I don't condone non consentual stuff and I hate it with a passion. When I'm confronted with something like that I sometimes shut down or get a light mental breakdown later, so I don't think it's like a kink or fetish or something

I don't have a childhood trauma of stuff like that, and nothing bad ever happened to me during my childhood, so why did I do that??

I went to his 21st bday party, got a little too drunk and kinda flirted a lot with him

I kinda showed him one of my nudes and made out with him (didn't rlly like it, cause I'm probably a raging lesbian, but hey) and just kinda hung around him

Later we were alone and kinda just talked. He said he had a crush on an exchange student from his school, and I was kinda relieved, but mostly I felt abandoned and like no one would ever like me and shit. Because of the drunkenness it came out strong, and I started sobbing saying how I would be alone forever and no one will ever love me, and that spiralled into saying I was done and wanting to die (I do, but I didn't want him to know)

We then went to our other friend and I acted fine, went home and fell asleep

After that I texted him to never speak of it, and that I would do anything to keep him quiet. I don't think he remembers everything, cause he hasn't talked about the suicidal stuff and only about the sexual stuff (ew)

I'm lowkey considering sleeping with him and stuff, even if only to keep him quiet and to punish myself (still a raging lesbian probably)

The dude I was talking to and I were rlly hitting it off, until he pulled my shirt down at a party with my friends, and people could see my bra. I was so mortified that I walked away to a friend. Then suddenly I got hella pissed and went to him and kneed him in the crotch

Later I also got manic/depressed cause I was also a little drunk, not one of my best moments

This Sunday is my 18th birthday.... I really don't feel ready... I feel like I'm still stuck in 2016 and haven't aged after that. I have to pay taxes and other things adults do and I don't feel ready. I also will be on an internship in Spain, so I won't even be in my country, let alone my home.