you held your pride like you should’ve held me

“You don’t talk much, do you?”

His gaze fell, “Not much to say.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

And you pushed him a lot to do so. Always asked him about the 40s and what he was like. You remembered asking if he was just as quiet then as he was now and Steve laughed from across the room saying, “You’re kidding right, Y/N? Buck was a real smooth talker.”

So, you teased him about that often. He didn’t like it, always said something about not being that guy anymore.

You reminded him that he could be any guy he wanted.

So, yeah, Bucky wasn’t a man of many words, but you two got close.

“I know you stole the remote, Buck.”

He circled around the kitchen counter, walking away from you.

“Is it because you don’t want to watch that Disney movie with me? I know you secretly like it and —“

“I don’t have the remote, Y/N.”

“Oh, yeah? Then what’s that hanging out of your pocket?”

You saw that little grin form on his face and you hurried forward and grabbed it before he could say another word.

He chased after you.

Then there were those times where he did thoughtful little things. Where he let his heart show through that thick wall of his and it made you realize just how much he spoke without speaking.

“Did you guys drink all the coffee again? Really? Does no one —“

Bucky handed you a cup.

“Two sugars, right?”

“Yeah and —“

“A dash of cream.”

That was until he added salt into your coffee one morning.

“We ran out of sugar!” he defended.

“So you added salt? Buck, that’s —“ you eyed him. “You did it on purpose, didn’t you?”

He took a sip of his coffee.

“Oh, you’re getting brave. I can —“

You grabbed his coffee and headed straight for your room.

He chased after you again.

So, yeah you two got close.

Bucky wasn’t a man of many words, but you two still got close.

He never let his walls down completely though. Never enough to let you know what he was feeling anyway, if he was hurt. It didn’t bother you so much until you realized he was always hurt, always hurting and that stung a little too much.

“Buck…can you let me in? Please?”

“We can talk tomorrow, Y/N.”

You sighed, standing outside his door.

“I don’t wanna talk tomorrow. I wanna…we don’t have to talk at all, Buck. I just wanna be with you right now.”

No response.

“Please?”

You’ll want to talk anyway, you practically heard and you sighed because it was true.

You knew you’d ask him a bunch of questions and Steve already told you — he already told you that Bucky liked his space. That he got distant sometimes when the world got too much or people got too much for him. Sometimes his mind got too much and Bucky wanted a break. You slid down against his door and sat there for ten minutes hoping for a change of heart.

You weren’t leaving though.

“Hey, Buck, how about this?”

You continued when he didn’t respond. You knew he was listening.

“How about we create a system? One that doesn’t involve you talking or me asking. It can just be...our thing. It can our thing, Buck.”

Nothing.

“And we don’t have to do it all the time. Just when we need to. When I need to know things and you don’t feel like giving. Think you’ve already given too much, don’t ya think?”

Nothing again.

You sighed.

But then you heard the door open and you fell back a little. Bucky looked down at you, what system? his eyes read and you patted the ground in front of you, signaling for him to sit.

He sat.

“Okay so, two taps anywhere like this,” you pressed your fingers against the back of his hand twice. “Means you’re okay. That you’re fine. Three taps, however,” you pressed three times against his skin. “Means you’re not. That you’re not okay.”

He stared at your hands.

“And I don’t have to explain why?”

“Never, Buck. Not unless you want to.”

You tapped him four times.

“What’s that?”

“Four taps means you miss me.”

Bucky got up.

“Aw, c’mon Buck. Humor me a little!”

You didn’t miss the little grin on his face.

Somehow you thought he’d give you two taps just for that comment.

Bucky wasn’t a man of many words, so he liked the system.

He first used it three days after it was created.

He’d woken up and strolled in for his first cup of coffee. Wasn’t the least bit surprised when he found you already there, cup ready in hand with eggs to match because coffee isn’t breakfast, Buck. He’d usually argue about it. Coffee’s the only breakfast, he’d say, but he didn’t have that in him today.

Maybe it was because he hadn’t come out of his room in three days. Or maybe it was because you hadn’t said anything to him yet, but Bucky didn’t argue. He just found himself tapping your hand twice when he reached for the cup.

You grinned.

Bucky liked that.

And you found that was the one he used the most.

Two taps.

Two taps whenever he went off to bed. Two taps when you played that Godforsaken Disney movie for the 5th time that week. Two taps when Thor made some stupid comment about wars during dinner one night.

It was two taps.

Always two taps.

So you were more than a little surprised when your first three taps came.

It was right after a mission. A long one. One that Steve had gotten hurt on because Bucky hadn’t gotten there fast enough. It wasn’t his fault though. Wasn’t anyone’s fault because everyone was too preoccupied with the bad guys at hand to notice the knife coming for Steve’s left side. Bucky took the blame though. Beat himself up about till he got into the jet.

The words were on the tip of your tongue, are you okay? You wanted to say it. Wanted everyone to say it because how could they not notice?

You didn’t though.

Instead you sat next to him and waited for him to say something, anything. At some point, you felt yourself giving up and drifting off until you felt his hand on your thigh.

He squeezed it three times.

You rested your head on his shoulder.

Then there was that time you left for six days. Fury had you and Natasha assigned to some undercover mission in London for the next six days. It took the whole six days, while the boys jetted off to New Orleans to deal with some asshole causing a ruckus in the city.

They came back in two.

“Buck!” you shouted, waking through the compound and dropping your bag at the front door.

“Buck, I’m back! Where are —“ you grinned, finding him resting at the bar stool in the kitchen. He was reading some file and you dropped your head onto his shoulder from behind.

“Hey, Buck. Miss me?”

He stopped.

“No? Ouch, well, I missed you,” you turned your head, kissing his cheek. “Look, I even brought you back a keychain. Nothing fancy. Just has a cat waving the British flag and when I saw it, I thought of you. The cat looks grumpy.”

Bucky didn’t say anything and you removed your head from his shoulder. He must be really into the file, you thought and you didn’t want to bother him so you left the keychain on the table and turned around to head to your room.

Bucky grabbed you and tapped your waist four times.

You launched yourself at him and covered his face with a series of kisses. Everywhere. Anywhere you could reach and each one was followed by a string of  I knew it, I knew it, I knew it’s.

Bucky never wanted to use the four taps again.

Except he did. All the time.

Bucky wasn’t a man of many words, but he thinks he was starting to fall for you.

Because he did four taps whenever you left the room for too long. And when Steve briefed them for too long that one time about some mission, Bucky found himself tapping your leg four times even though you were right there.

Right there. You were right there.

He even recalled nudging his nose against yours four times when you fell asleep on him during that damn Disney movie the previous week.

“Miss you,” he mumbled.

But it was okay because when you woke up the next morning, you nudged your nose against his cheek four times.

Bucky woke up with a bright gleam in his eyes.

“What was that for?” he asked.

“Missed you, obviously.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, Buck.”

And then there came a time where Bucky decided he wanted to create a new one.  A new tap.

Bucky wasn’t a man of many words, but he knows he finally found love.

“Sweetheart, damn, can you slow —“

Because you were stuffing popcorn in his mouth. You were laying in front of him, in between him to be more exact, and throwing popcorn behind like it was nothing.

Most of it didn’t even make it into his mouth.

“Shh, this is the best part.”

“You say that everytime. We’ve seen this movie a —“

“Shh, Buck!”

Bucky laughed and pulled you up so you were closer to his chest. It wasn’t anything special that made him realize it. Thinks it was the familiarly and the comfortability that made him put the pieces together, but Bucky leaned down and pressed his lips against your hair three times. Just three and that was enough for you to tear your eyes away from the screen and look up at him.

“Buck?”

He didn’t say anything.

“Did I throw too much popcorn again? You know I get excited when Lucifer gets on screen. He reminds me so much of —“

Bucky tightened his arm around you and tapped his thumb against your stomach once.

You knitted your brows.

“One? Buck, one doesn’t mean anything. We don’t have —“

“One means I love you.”

“What?”

“One tap means I love you. It means I love you, Y/N.”

It took a few seconds for your brain to register but once it did you jumped up in his lap and turned to face him. Bucky's sure the popcorn bowl had spilled all over the floor, but he didn’t care. Not when his girl looked at him like that and leaned in to kiss him like that too. So fiercely and full of love.

“Okay, okay, baby! I said one tap.”

“One tap gets you a million kisses each time.”

“Mhm. I’m okay with that.”

You giggled, I know you are, you mumbled against him and kissed him a little harder. He felt brighter, more happy and he knew he wasn’t one to say much, but his eyes always did and that was enough for you to pull back for a quick second before leaning in to give him one, long, seething kiss.

One kiss.

And at that moment, Bucky knew the kind of guy he wanted to be.