to be young and in love

dividers are by lovely @strangergraphics

copyrighted under @mellowgyu2026

prologue

you felt like you were living your life on borrowed time, like the clock of your life would reset every day. ticking — running out and ticking again incessantly — this was the first thought that stretched across your mind as you lay awake in your bed, no amount of crisp morning air could shrug you out of your thoughts as you tossed and turned. accepting defeat, you forced yourself out of the snug bundle of blankets as your attention shifted to the screechy sound of your bedroom door being utilized as a scratch post.

"you really could not wait till i set up your little corner in the living room, hmm?" you cooed at the not so very small grey creature — who is now rubbing itself all over your legs as you crouch down to give in to Iris's constant demands for pets.

by the time you had freshened up, the sunlight had already started penetrating through the bare windows of your new apartment.

the amount of boxes — even though marked, had already started to look overbearing in all their chaotic glory. so you started to stumble across the life you once had, which is now packed in cardboard and bubble wraps.

as you start to unpack and set your apartment up, piece by piece — utensils first, then wardrobe, your beloved books —the hefty medical ones and the delicate paperbacks. you were knee-deep in organizing the keepsakes from your former coworkers when, as if your eyes had already decided for you without consulting your mind, you found the photographs along with the annotated notes you had sworn you had gotten rid of.

well, maybe not swore but at least thought that you had packed them somewhere less obvious — and as if your precious cat had sensed your apparent distress, Iris landed herself straight into your lap already settling in and purring, hoping it would be enough to soothe you.

you are not sure when your eyes start to well up or when your breath starts to hitch or when you start going through the captured memories — like someone who has certainly been in this same exact situation before, for more times than she would she would like to admit.

by the time you are done, iris is already fast asleep in your lap and you are unsure, if the sudden warmth in your chest is because of her clinginess or the clinginess of the boy who had grazed past you like the sun, without whose presence your life continues to feel like a constant fight against time.

march 2016

uncertainty finds an abode in your gut, pushing and pulling and deliberately poking at your thoughts — making them tangible in the form of an ache that settles itself in your abdomen.

the idea of choosing between things — be it moral dilemmas or something as simple as clothing or the choice you are currently facing, between staying where you are or abandoning everything you have built so far, has always been a concept that you detested the most.

the past few days have been a cycle of choosing between a lot of things, but the cardinal being leaving or staying in your hometown. if you could bifurcate your body into two, you would leave a part of you here for your mother to find a refuge in during your absence whilst the other pursues the noble degree of medicine you have decided to trail after in Seoul.

before you can dwell anymore upon what anyone in a miles range would recognize as growing pains, there is a soft drumming of your mother's footsteps on the stairs, leading to your room.

"pearl, are you awake? you're not ultimately napping again, are you?" the sound of nagging reaches you before her face does. the only response you have is a sheepish smile that you only have reserved for her, not wanting her to read too much into your furrowed eyebrows and puffed up eyelids.

"just took a small nap."

"i'm so worried for you, who is gonna wake you up in between your lectures?"

"mum, you really think i am that irresponsible?"

"no" she says, cupping your face between her palms."i am just concerned for you, adapting in a faraway city might take a toll on you." her fingers caressing your cheekbones, you know she has caught up on your attempts to hide your thoughts.

"you have always been sensitive." with that, she leans to press gentle kisses on the top of your head.

"I'll miss you too, mum."

the train smells like a mixture of musk and sweat, carrying the late night-early morning reaching crowd. the soft whirring sound of nothingness had almost lulled you to sleep, and you would have almost missed out on your station if it was not for scheduled alarm you had on— already expecting the exact situation to occur.

you stumble out of the compartment and then the station, still sleepy half dissociated — your suitcase treading behind you also making it's way till the nearest bus station that could take you till your final stop for the day.

you were sitting at the bus stop, waiting for the first bus to arrive when you felt a sudden presence behind you. you felt your heart picking up pace, your grip on your shoulder bag tightening as someone tall looms behind you.

"can i sit here?" the boy with rather gentle eyes asks, not that you looked at him for more than a second, already sighing in relief — it is just a boy, no older than yourself."everywhere else is dewy, your coat wiped this part out when you sat".

"sure." your voice comes out softer than you intended, your body had already began to relax.

you must have waited for twenty minutes more before you could see the hazy headlights of the vehicle cutting through the early morning fog. you are already cursing your life choices for choosing a university so far away from your sunny hometown. the cold air bites at your face, turning your nose and cheeks rosy. you can’t decide whether the chill makes you feel relieved or irritated.

paying for the ticket with exact change, you sat down in the far back corner after setting your suitcase up. you pulled your phone out and sent a quick message to your mother, informing her that you had arrived safely in Seoul.

you do not notice the peering eyes of a certain boy on you — not even when he was sitting right across you on the other corner — not in a threatening manner, but rather filled with curiosity.

Mingyu prides himself as someone who adapts to situations easily — always pleasant and charming — doted on by many. so, to note that you do not even glance at him once the whole time during the bus ride is nothing short of surprising. He is not a narcissist nor a fool, he knew how to read the room — but that is what baffled him more.

you; almost being swallowed by your overcoat — looking so tiny yet so at peace, softly murmuring the lyrics of the song he recognised as 'Brown Eyes's' from the early two thousands. your peaceful stance moved him, anyone else would appear at least a little vigilant traveling all alone so early in the morning in an almost stranded bus with two strangers — but you looked so unfettered.

he decides to stop staring at you, just in case you caught up to his rather mesmerized gaze — he doesn't even know where your destination is but he wants all the routes to be those which lead him back to you somehow.

and as if the universe was conspiring in Mingyu's favor, he did not have to gest a lot to see you again.

he had just been roaming around the library cabins, trying to find some peace and quiet for him to concentrate and actually get something productive done, which does not involve networking and grabbing drinks with the seniors.

he does not recall what prompted him to look in the farthest corners of the library, but he does anyway and discovered the same unfettered girl, who is still unfettered, seemingly knee deep in her biophysics workbook — her waist down hair cascading down her willowy build, almost self-serving as a blanket.

you weren't looking at him, or anywhere else except the spin echo sequences which seemed to be pissing you off. you were in a rhythmic harmony with yourself, "a bubble" as they call it. simply existing but somehow entrancing him in with your gentle hums.

he realized he had the exact same assignment due next week.

at least, one thing was clear to him — you were a freshman too and sharing similar classes; and he would instigate all that he can to know you.

Before you could even comprehend, you were thrown into a whiplash of coursework and lab schedules. You knew med-school was hectic but no one truly prepared you for the overwhelm it would cause. you don't remember the last time you had a proper meal that was not a caffeinated drink. there was no time to truly rest, not when there were already quadrant tests looming over. speaking of which — a conversation you had with Yerin; your roommate and senior by two years did nothing to provide any comfort.

"you do know the exams are made extra difficult for the first quadrants, right?" she had chimed while prepping her meals last week.

"shouldn't they be like any other normal test?" you had reverted, which earned you a scoff. "do you have any past year question papers as references?"

and this simple ask had helped you attain a look of horror from her, "do you really not know about the exam policies!?"

the classroom was filled to the brim, overflowed to the extent some students just preferred to sit on the ground, no amount of discomfort reflected on their faces about it.

Mingyu knew he was running late by two minutes, but had not expected that there wouldn't be a single seat in sight, slightly annoyed and more so confounded, and questioning of his own life choices. he wanted to leave and sit this lecture out, what could he possibly miss out that he could not cover up through briefing lecture notes.

the answer to his doubts just presented herself, in a form adorning the second bench from the front, a part of him relieved while another concerned.

just how early did you reach the lecture hall, to be able to sit almost at the front.

_______________________

Mingyu was a meticulous man, an aptitude deemed for a future surgeon, but using this gift to observe and articulate your routine was the last thing he had expected to do.

"are you going to talk to her? or just stare at her for eternity and pray that she magically stares back?" wonwoo said, setting down the books he found with a thud on the library table, earning side eyes from his fellow overworked sophomores.

"i don't want to creep her out" Mingyu huffed, placing his head on the table, clearly embarrassed of getting caught by his best friend, as if he could escape his judgments. when all he has been doing is ticking down all the classes he has noticed you share, your routine of rushing to the library straight from lectures, not forgetting to grab a caffeinated energy drink before that.

"all she does is study, Hyung." his voice now muffled,"i have seen her grabbing food, like once."

"i mean, aside from her eating habits. you really should learn a thing or two about studying from her"

"Hyunggggg, i am being serious"

"you are hopeless, hopelessly mesmerized"

_______________________

He saw you across the campus, doing something that deviated from your usual routine.

Your waist-length hair was down today, just as he had predicted. He had noticed a pattern in your hairstyling habits: if it was down today, then you would definitely have a half bun tomorrow, followed by braids until the cycle restarted. You had bent down, petting a calico cat— the one he had often fed before but never really touched, because she would scratch when he tried.

He wasn’t surprised though, that even the small animal seemed to trust you.

So far, he had seen classmates falling asleep in your presence, which he had first dismissed as boredom during lectures — until the number of incidents exceeded any reasonable coincidence. Professors would gently acknowledge your answers during class. He had overheard one of the girls muttering, “She’s so well-read,” under her breath, after you had thoughtfully responded to a triage scenario in your clinical communication class.

Needless to say, you clearly had goals—and you were hell-bent on achieving them.

_______________________

The look on his roommate’s face when he had seen Mingyu leaving thirty minutes early for class was nothing short of amused.

Even Mingyu himself felt feeble for doing all these things. He had crushes before and quite a history with dating, yet no girl had ever invaded his thoughts quite like this.

So when he reached the lecture hall early and saw you sitting at your usual spot—eyes closed, head lolled on your backpack, earphones in — all he could do was take a seat, two seats away from you.

You stayed that way until the start of the lecture.

You seemed unusually tired today — not the tiredness from waking up early, but the kind that reflected a night without sleep.

He wondered what had kept you up.

The answer came a few hours later, in the form of a notification: introducing yourself and inquiring about the previous year’s questions.

He felt grateful to Wonwoo for roping him into the circle of seniors and helping him network.

you had made a promise to yourself, about not interacting much with your classmates, not more than necessary at least, but you discovered the strict policies that your university had in place "no sharing of previous year questions" not officially at least. This rule did not however stop the seniors to prepare a question bank; in hiding, of course.

Turns out, there is a whole network of students — super seniors, seniors, sophomores who learn the questions in every exam and note them down, in a shared file, the origins of which lie 20 years back; or so you have heard. all this because, the question papers were taken back from the students as the exam ends, these question papers were strictly no access.

the problem being, these networks were exclusive and tight knit.

now, although having full faith in your academic abilities, previous year questions always prove themselves to be helpful; especially when there is an overwhelming amount of lecture slides, flashcards and chapters to revise.

being new to this city and having no one to rely on, no social network, no seniors you could reach out to without making it seem awkward. to avoid the prospects of embarrassing yourself.

at first you try to find the sources yourself, in forums and in the library, hoping for something to turn up but you give up eventually after pulling two all-nighters consecutively. knowing fully well, you have no other choice but to talk to your classmates.

it is rather amusing to you, no matter how much you inquire and with whom you inquire from because all lines of inquiry end up at crossroads with just one name, Mingyu.

You arrived earlier than the promised time, you always did, preferring to spend a little time with yourself before you get surrounded by the agenda of the day.

the agenda at present being, acquiring the previous year question bank. it was really easy acquiring and contacting Mingyu, as if the guy had no barriers to himself at all. one quick ask from a classmate sufficed.

he had chosen a rather obvious location, cornered? yes; but obvious.

you had always found libraries to be comforting, the faint smell of books and burnt coffee. the only noise in the surrounding being rushed and scratching of pens and pencils against paper, amongst the shallow muttering. most of all, you found yourself not shrinking when surrounded by books, like you did everywhere else.

he was running late and you couldn't say you were surprised, you had seen this coming. heck, you even expected him to not show up at all. why should he? it isn't like you ran in the same circles of academicians, you had no connections, no friends to vouch for your confidence and secrecy. just when you were about to give up and get up to find a normal work book for biophysics, you heard the light pattering of footsteps approaching.

_______________________

even before he saw your face, Mingyu recognised you, the same unguarded energy of the girl from the bus stop — the one who didn't even spare him a glance as she exited the bus — the one who didn't know her presence had made a mark in his mind without even trying.

he did not realize he had gone static, only jolting back to motion when he saw you getting up, not wanting to miss out this opportunity to talk to you.

"you're the one who contacted me about the PYQ's, right?" he asked, as he settled in the seat besides yours, arranging his folders and laptop with surgical precision. he saw you nodding — seeing you up-close, he realized you looked rather soft and shy, not unguarded. scrubbing his misjudgment aside, he decides to take the control of the conversation, wanting to keep you around as much as he could.

"not much of a talker, are you?"

"not when I'm unsure of what to talk about," you give him a tight lipped, very awkward smile, the best response you could extend to his attempt of small talk. "what do I have to do, to get my hands on the questions?"

if it was someone else, Mingyu would have snarled and teased by responding 'straight to the business, are we not?' but something about your urgency was endearing. It was even more surprising to him, the absence of feigning flirtatious remarks because that is all he had been getting the past two weeks, ever since classmates started to notice him hanging out with seniors.

"you don't have to do anything, other than copying these questions somewhere safe."

"you aren't allowed to give me the hard drive?" you ask, shifting uncomfortably in your chair.

"unfortunately not." a blatant lie, he could just ask you to bring your laptop, and you could simply transfer the whole thing, it was password protected. Mingyu knew that, but he also knew he would miss the chance to speak to you if he did not play his little tricks.

"how come i have never seen you around since the bus-stop?" a lie, a rather harmless one.

now that caught you off guard, and the surprise is made apparent on your face, furrowed eyebrows and bemused eyes.

"well, i didn't know Mr. birdie was observing me and looking out for me." you say, giving him an unimpressed glance from the side.

"MR.BIRDIE???? please don't tell me that's the nickname out of all the nicknames you could have chosen for me" he feigns a pout.

"well, if you did not know, Mr. Birdie is actually a side quest, in the game Final Fantasy." the words spilling out of you before you could hold them."it involves locating ones beloved pet."

"are you calling yourself my beloved?"

"now you are just putting words in my mouth, i never said that."

"what do you mean though? just simply curious about your intention behind the name."

"well, you just seem like a bird. freely gliding around the vast sky of social networks."

"ah, i would not call it that. i know some of these seniors back from high school."

"oh?" you had this quizzical look on your face which made him giggle.

"yeah, i am not as social as you think i am."

you had scoffed at that, a look of disbelief overtaking your features "well, you know more than two people at least and i think that is social enough."

"maybe you should join my two person group then."

"hmm, I'll think about it."

Mingyu feels slight flutters in his stomach, not only you are studious, but you also know banter. it makes him wonder, what else did you know and were hiding behind your dark night like eyes. those were the first feature of yours that caught his eyes, how your eyes scattered like midnight fields, vast and holding the weight of things unspoken. your eyes held so much pain and dullness, that he wondered how could someone so young possibly have that look in their eyes.

there was this warmth about you, the origins of which he still could not establish. something about your oversized hoodies, braided hair cascading down to your waist, or maybe your melodic voice. it was drawing all of him all in.

it was as if someone had switched off the plug in his mind, because why was he staring at you like you had hung stars in the sky? you had just given him a horrible nickname, if anything he should be weirded out, you had just babbled about one of your pass-time interests and your non-existing social life.

but he didn't even falter, and that was scarier.

it had been a productive week for you, filled with revisions and quizzes. so, when the weekend rolled around you decide to reward yourself with some well-earned downtime. your mother had been constantly nagging at you for doing nothing else other than studying, and she was right about it too.

getting into this university was an escape and she wanted you to have all the normal experiences any youngster living alone for the first time would have.

So you take up her advice and text the only person you know, who would have plans for the weekend.

"is the offer of joining you and your two friends still up?" you nearly cringed reading your text but sent it anyways, you had no hopes of him even acknowledging your text. thinking he was just being polite last week.

distancing yourself with your phone, you just decide to organize and clean up your space, but to your surprise you heard multiple notifications in a matter of a minute.

"yes, just planning to play basketball with the said two friends" he had said, only after a voice note of him whining and complaining about not texting him earlier.

fifteen minutes later, he was standing in front of your dorm waiting for you, eyes lighting up as soon as he spotted you, looking like no less than a golden retriever.

"are you ready to have some fun?" he asked, moving his eyebrows dramatically.

"i don't even know the rules properly, but i think it'll be fun?" you had admitted shyly and embarrassed. truth being told, you had never been athletic and hated how loud sports complexes could be.

you dreaded the mandatory sport lessons back in school, but what was the point of coming this far away from your home if not to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

"so, tell me about your friends. is there anything in particular i should know and be careful about?" you had asked, your inquisitiveness and enthusiasm apparent.

"well, i said two but there is a whole team, including seniors and kids from premed."

all the way till the court, Mingyu had introduced you to not two but twelve others, making you laugh by sharing their shenanigans. he was in the middle of explaining how things were getting rowdy at a board game night they had last week, when you heard hurried steps approaching the two of you.

"Kim Mingyu, you're late againnnnn?" the first thing you noticed was that his voice did not match his ethereal features and his features definitely did not match the repetitious and monotonous lifestyle of med school.

"Jeonghan hyung, aren't you late too, though?" Mingyu reverted playfully.

"i was at the hospital working my ass off, cut me some slack." Jeonghan replied, appearing exhausted.

"you sure you gonna be okay playing tonight? you look like you need good ten hours of sleep."

"i think, what i need right now is for you to introduce me to your new friend over here and not sleep" Jeonghan, now pointing at you with his eyes, although by the looks of it..it seemed he knew something you did not.

"she can introduce herself just right." Mingyu now giving you an encouraging smile, "this is Jeonghan hyung, he is currently an intern at Yulje Hospital, along with Seungcheol hyung."

you gave Jeonghan a little wave. "i just heard about your pranks from him five minutes ago, i just know you are a fun person to be around already."

"Mingyu, keep this one around, i like her already." Jeonghan said, sheepish and sly.

"i plan to." Mingyu muttered, under his breath so softly that neither Jeonghan nor your ears could catch it.

_______________________

you knew these boys were chaotic from the very first look, but nothing could have prepared you for the frenzy that had been the the first two quarters. if anyone saw these boys from a distance, they would deem them as enemies at first glance.

your mother was right, yet again. seeing them all getting feisty it reminded you of your childhood days, when you actually had friends. childhood friendships felt real because they were devoid of transaction, technically the transaction was time spent well together but that is hardly a transaction at all, unlike friendships as an adolescent, where everything became a competition.

one of the reasons why you escaped your small town, was to get away from the prying eyes of the people. not wanting to become a subject of judgement.

you did not realise you had entered a trance, not until Mingyu comes and sits next to you, half amused-half concerned. "are we that boring that you have to resort to your own thoughts?" there was no bite to his words, just concern.

"huh? no, no its not that."

"hmm, then what is it? you look tired."

"i just did not sleep enough this week." you sigh, clearly appearing exhausted, how did Mingyu miss your under-eye bags again?

"you wanna get back to your dorm and sleep? i can tell them i am leaving for the day, hmm?" he asked, voice so gentle, as if afraid if he raises even a decibel more, he is going to disrupt your daze.

"you don't have to, i can walk back myself."

"hmm, i know you can. i want to though." with that he ran towards Seungcheol, to inform him about him leaving early.

_______________________

ever since your hangout at the basketball court, Mingyu had been following you around like a puppy, not that you hated it but it was just something very new to you.

deep-down, some part of you had believed that you had this tendency to make people around you feel lonely, all of your friendships met the same end. different people but similar reasons every single time, always met with "you are always so tired and lost", but it was not that, you could not disclose the real reasons so you always chose to distance yourself.

so when Kim Mingyu in all his golden retriever glory started looking out for the signs of your tiredness, and carrying around your favorite caffeinated drink, a part of you had wondered, just how long until he gets exhausted and leaves too? what if a day comes when you scare him away?

Mingyu had noticed that not only you were academically inclined, but you were also a reader and admirer of literature, otherwise there is no explanation to your never-ending amount of novels.

during one of your study sessions when you both had just finished a session of testing each other through anki cards — you had suggested to take a break.

he waited for you pop out your earphones but to his surprise you pulled out a rather withered paperback, 'the love of the last tycoon'.

he was familiar with "The Great Gatsby", but had never heard of this book.

as if you could read the confusion on his face,"it is an unfinished book" words leaving your lips without much forethought.

somehow that extended his confusion further "unfinished? what do you mean? why is it being printed then?"

"who said stories had to finish to be remembered? sometimes unfinished ones haunt you more."

"hmm, I'll take your word for it, tell me more about it."

_______________________

that is how it started, this little ritual of you talking about your favorite pieces of fiction, the backstories of the writers.

that is also how, he had ended up with a copy of the love of the last tycoon. a gift from you, annotated with all your favorite parts and insights.

Wonwoo had been complaining about barely seeing Mingyu, ever since he had started to have study sessions with you.

"so you talk to your girl now? did you forget who helped you instigate everything?"

"you know that's not how it is, hyung."

"i have not seen you in days, what do the both of you even do? what is keeping you so busy?"

Mingyu finds himself at a loss of words, he does not know either. you had him spellbound, wrapped him around your finger like your braids. you who wore dainty pearl necklaces, spoke of your interests with such conviction. all he can think of is the trance state he enters and does not even remember the time passing when you are around.

so scared to even breathe, in-case it makes you hesitate and stop talking about your interests.

he couldn't help but notice.

you always flinched whenever the very specific ringtone you had set up for your parents popped up on your screen.

more often than not, you would ignore the buzz after silencing the call and let it ring entirely. he knew it was not his place to ask but he could not stop himself from doing so.

"why do you never pick up his calls?.

it felt like the color had drained from your face "…whose?"

"your dad." he said, stating the obvious.

your expression shifted, "he just likes to casually check up on me, i do call both of them back when i get back to my dorm." a lie, you had lost the count of the calls you had screened from both of your parents.

wanting to break free from their supervision, but the sleepless nights you had spent laying awake in your dorm room, wanting nothing more than your mother's comforting hug around you.

you get reminded of laying your head on her lap, as she ran her fingers lovingly through your hair locks, an action which had always lulled you to slumber.

but homesickness was the last thing you wanted to discuss with Mingyu, not wanting to burden him to pity you.

so you lie, and breeze past it.

you had an inkling, you could sense that his interest in you was not merely friendly. the fondness he held for you, the patience on the days you felt too frustrated to study and his reassurance, you did not want to break his perception of you.

Mingyu knew he had toed on a risky line of questioning, you had been so forthcoming and open with him till now, so this sudden silence enveloping you at the mention of your family threw him a little off guard.

it is the only line that you both had been circling around, he had always felt you were too closed off about your personal life, and he did not want to invade. even if it felt like it would be a final piece of puzzle he would need to fully understand you, so he takes a step back. not wanting to make you feel like you were being interrogated for a job.

however, at the back of his mind, he always wondered. who could even think about hurting you? you bothered no one, lived your life quietly.

and for once in his life, he wished that for his intuition to be wrong.

their voices were muffled.

suffocated; through the door of her room, her mother had pushed her to escape— she did not want to escape, but something about her father's voice was volcanic. it has always been unpredictable, his mood.

some days, he would bring her favorite fruit up to her room, flowers for her mom, chanting about a deal going good at work— but next day, the very sweet demeanor would take form of a tumultuous storm.

she could hear his piercing voice now, sharp as knife and as menacing as an icicle, she could hear the thumping sound of a body hurting another — muffled screams followed by yet another sound of striking — glass shattering, probably the china her mother had set for dinner.

she wanted to scream, wanted to run out and take the strikes instead of her, wanted to reach for the door but all she could see was a shadow in front of her — hindering her awareness.

_______________________

you were not sure what time it was, you just remember jolting awake and the tears running through your face as you struggled to breathe.

so you do what you do the best, you escape. grabbed your hoodie and haphazardly put it on, you are not sure why you had texted him, but you did.

"you awake?"

a call came back, in what felt like less than a minute.

________________________

(begging y'all to play 'the night we met' by lord huron)

the sky tonight was particularly cloudy, not a star in sight.

the swing you had found a refuge in tonight made a screeching sound, as if somehow feeling as weighed down as you.

you could hear footsteps approaching, knowing whose they were so you don't even bother checking. there is no one else who would come running at the break of dawn.

"are you okay?" he regretted these three words the moment they left his mouth, they felt wrong. he had thought of every possible hypothetical situation while he ran all the way to playground, near your dormitory.

of course you were not okay. he cursed himself internally.

In all the four months he had known you, you had never texted him this late of an hour.

no hypothetical scenario prepared him for this though.

you looked so fragile, so much smaller than you already were. your shoulders all weighed downed and rounded. when you looked up at him, eyes still filled with tears you were trying to hold back, lips trembling and bitten, your braid half undone as a storm had passed through you in the twelve hours he hadn't seen you.

you could not bring yourself to answer his question, and he had never felt this helpless — one wrong word and he was afraid he would break you.

he did what he knew the best, took the swing right beside yours.

"do you want to talk about it?" he asked, but only got your light sniffles and a head shake of disapproval. if he had felt helpless before, the feeling of distraught had replaced it as he was at a loss for words.

he could sit with you here until you calmed down, that is the easier path he could take. but knowing himself, he wouldn't be able to sleep peacefully if he doesn't make you smile before he drops you off to your dorm.

"hmm, lets go somewhere then?" and like a miracle you finally faced him fully, glint of curiosity in your ebony eyes. "but where? it is pretty early." your voice sounded scratchy, a sound even you could not recognize as yours.

"i am pretty sure the 24/7 convenience stores live up to their name in Seoul" with that he takes you hand, wincing at how cold it is as he helps you steady yourself.

"aren't you feeling cold?" he isn't waiting for your reply now, already shimming out of his jacket and wrapping it around you. the hems reaching your mid thigh swallowing you in an almost dress.

when Mingyu had suggested an outing, you had expected a simple trip to the nearest convenience store, but then he held your hand and took you to the parking lot across the university and helped you settle in his car.

"so where are we going exactly?" you chimed, the tremble in your voice quieter now.

"somewhere calmer, maybe grab some early breakfast? do you like noodles?"

"depends on which noodles."

"janchi guksu?" he could see your face light up at the mention of a warm bowl of noodles, and he was sure if he looked at you for a second more he would combust due to the urge of hugging you tight.

he had always been alert on road, but there was another layer of attentiveness.

you on contrary, were busy inspecting his car, your nose instantly sniffing and slightly scrunching taking in the remnants of his cologne. his car, like him emitted warmth, a little photo frame of his family on the dashboard, plush key-chains on the rear-view mirror, blankets and pillows you could see in the backseat.

you could feel Mingyu eyeing you curiously, glancing at you from time to time.

"are you feeling better now?" his voice gentle and careful.

"much better." you give him an almost smile, and just like that, you could see some light cracking in between the armor you had created to hold your fortress.

and for some very strange reason, you did not mind it.

regardless to say, you have had your fair share of experiences with men — mostly them trying to press out information out of you and you being reluctant to open up. for the first time, you wanted someone to know you and you felt like you had deterred him from doing so that already.

you have given it a thought, it is because he is present but not invasive, he wants to know, really know you, in the slow way because as they say only fools rush in. it was new, a good kind.

interfering your reverie, the car stops in front of a very humble appearing eatery, the narrow opening aside from the vintage looking menus on the glass window, not more than eight tables in view.

Mingyu hops out first, jogging to your side of the door to open it for you, always the gentleman.

The smell of broth hits you first, indicating towards a promising bowl of slurpy goodness.

"oh! Mingyu! long time, son!" the comforting voice filled with affectionate recognition echoes in between the narrow walls.

"aunty!! yes, it has been a while, just medical school keeping me away." his tone mirroring hers, "are you sure its just the medical school keeping you away?" the older women chimes narrowing her eyes at him.

you could feel her eyes falling on you and curiosity rearing behind her perceptive eyes, "hmm, what are you doing just standing? introduce me to her." she says swatting Mingyu's arm playfully.

"ah, right..." you could sense him struggling, not because he did not know how to introduce you, but between preventing a label that would make you uncomfortable, so you chime in, relieving him of his very own purgatory. "I'm his classmate, i asked him to bring me to somewhere comforting."

that had seemed to be enough prying for the lady, as she still gazed at Mingyu, perhaps talking in between the looks. she asks him about what he would like to eat, to which he replied with just two servings of his regular.

Regular, for him being comically large bowls of noodles as breakfast.

The noodles provided you nourishment and sense of satiety you had not felt in weeks, by the time you were done scooping the leftover soup, dawn had already commenced its waning, the sky turning into lighter shades of blue.

the clouds still not dissipated, exiting the eatery you were hit with the subtle scent of petrichor, indicating the upcoming drizzle, the air heavy with humidity. observing the indicators Mingyu pulled at the hem of your now stripped down to just a shirt to pull your attention.

"do you have any lectures today?" he inquired with a glint of hope of you to revert negatively, for the first time ever.

"just the anatomy lab, we both have it together after lunch, remember?" you gave him such a quizzical look, baffled with his sudden forgetfulness of the schedule you both had been circling around for months.

Mingyu was baffled at his own self too, because he could not believe this very domestic morning he had just spent with you, needless to say it, he would come out running again if he has to if it ended in grabbing a breakfast with you.

________________________

the car once filled with silence of your heavy emotions was now echoing with soft melodies of the ballads you had put on, but there was something else too — a new layer of cultivated comfort between the two of you.

"do you usually listen to old ballads?" Mingyu asked, making you pause in between the soft humming.

"i do, something very human about older songs." your eyes, now filled with soft glow. "don't you think?"

"well, they certainly do make me feel very nostalgic, so I'll have to agree." he said, nodding softly in agreement.

"are you going to go back to sleep after i drop you off?" he follows up.

"no, i don't think so. why? do you have any other ideas?"

"hmm, do you want me to surprise you with it? or do you prefer to know my ideas?"

"i mean, i followed you blindly the whole night….surprise me" your voice almost childlike now, filled with anticipation.

so when, his car made a halt at a bus station, you were left confused.

"a bus station?" you ask, eyeing him curiously. "this is supposed to be a surprise?"

"it is not just any bus station." his hand now finding its place where his heart lay. "this is where i saw you for the very first time."

your confounded expressions slowly filling with recognition.

"you wanna come out? recreate the night we met?" his voice now filled with mischief.

and how could someone say no to Kim Mingyu, so you agree and he helps you out of the car yet again. both of you now sitting on the exact same bench. the bus stop stayed the same but the dynamics between the two of you now taken a drastic shift.

"you did not even look at me once you know? back then, not at the bus stop and even during the ride to the university." something softer now layering his words.

"i was just too focused on the songs i was listening to, felt at peace that day." your soft voice chiming.

"i had always been curious about that but never came around to ask you, why were you so at peace." he said attempting to prompt an answer from you. "it had been late, you were alone anyone else would have been vigilant. yet, you looked unbounded….why?". his words were wrapped in gentleness, as if afraid of pushing you over the threshold.

you did not want to lie to him, not again, not this time. you wanted to let the light in. something in you shifting, breaking open. a part of you forgiving yourself and coming to accept the comfort he was radiating.

"my father….he..he is abusive." your voice hesitant, your eyes looking at him expecting aversion, but his face remained gentle. so you continue, "coming to this university was my escape, that night when you first saw me…that was the first night in a very long time i felt like i was able to breathe." your eyes now a little misty, "i am able to sleep properly now, on most days usually but some things don't change instantly, hence the always tired look." a nervous chuckle left your system.

Mingyu felt his heart shattering into little pieces, he hated that his intuition never missed. he saw this coming ever since the last conversation you both had shared at the library. yet, nothing could have prepared him for this moment.

you looked so vulnerable and small. two qualities that were the opposite of how he perceived you. to him you were the embodiment of compassion and peace. he hated seeing you this way.

"can i give you a hug?" he asked, voice small almost hesitant, he did not know how to comfort you with words. so, he chose his body to express what his mind couldn't.

to his surprise, you accepted. hugged him so tight as you both sat there. at the same bus station but under very different circumstances.

the sky finally cleared up, now filled with the sound of birds chirping the first song of morning.

safe to say, he could not stop thinking about you. you in his gentle embrace, the mellowed scent of your bergamot perfume invading his senses.

truly, your thoughts followed his like afterthoughts, clinging onto him like phantoms.

but there was something that bothered him, this dread in the pit of his stomach he tried his best to ignore it, spending as much time as possible with you, as much as closeness you would allow him to reach.

you were not friends, but not lovers either. both of you toeing this gentle line between the two and somehow it worked. you appeared lighter, shared things about your childhood more, introduced him to your mother on rare calls. you even start becoming clingy towards him.

his friends were sick of him, because he would just never shut up about you. he did not know it yet, but there had been bets set up between the boys, about until how long Mingyu finally gives in to urges and ask you out officially.

something felt wrong today, you were too quiet and meek. it felt different from your usual tiredness, Mingyu could see the remnants of lip bites while you still continue to bite the inside of your cheek. it was a habit of yours to self-soothe but it had never escalated to this extent.

"did you sleep alright?" he asked, voice filled with concern.

"nah, i was revising the concepts for the test today…you?" your voice seemed to have grown heavy, like it does when someone is holding back their tears.

"got a few hours in, you look famished…take a nap." Mingyu now patting your head gently, "I'll wake you up in a while yea?"

"I'd rather go to my room and nap." you hands reaching to gather your scattered notes and pens across the table.

"alright, I'll wake you up for an early morning session then? get some proper rest while you are at it" Mingyu now, carrying your tote for you, ready to drop you off to your dorm.

he was always like this, warm, familiar and always looking out for you.

like he would not let any single bad thing happen to you.

_______________________

everything felt so easy with Mingyu, like his presence transcended time, into something gentler something softer laced with care.

so when you wake up due to the concurrent ringing of your cellphone, you naturally assumed it to be him, waking you up like he had promised to for a early morning study session at the reading room.

what you did not expect was the hysteric screams of your aunt, urging you to return back to your hometown.

you knew life was sailing too smoothly, until it was not.

they say when it rains, it pours. but it felt like the floodgates had been opened, the barriers lying crestfallen.

you do not even remember what you packed and how you packed, your mind completely blanking out, you do remember the ride back…you remember the dread that had filled you, remember wanting his gentleness and assurance.

this is what you had feared the most, but you knew yourself to the core.

you had to leave. if it meant that you had to protect yourself, you would.

and you did.

footnotes: i really hope everyone enjoyed reading this as much as i did writing it. it is my first time publishing anything on the internet for people to consume, i would appreciate all the feedback i can get. i really cannot single out a date for when the part two is gonna be out, but if you want to be tagged in it, please reach out.