Melikes

“Shane, how does it feel to be back on Montreal ice?”

or are you misusing that phrase?

warning: i made this while annoyed and tired so feel free to correct it how you see fit

I have noticed a couple of people trying to use the word mansplaining to get trans men or trans masculine people to shut up about whatever topic it is they're discussing

The tunamelt happens. Rose happens. And while Shane and Rose are still being papped constantly (before The Conversation), Ilya gets the call from Alexei.

It hits him harder than he ever thought it would. Sure, it's his father, the man he's always desperately wanted the approval of, all the while knowing he'd never get it. Sure, he wanted to be there, looking after him. And sure, he knew that it would always still hurt, losing his papa before Ilya could be himself with him, make their relationship a bit better. But with Sha-Hollander being off happy with Rose Landry (ugh), it feels like the floor has just fallen out from beneath him, and he's now in a free fall.

He's on autopilot as he boards the plane, already starting to make arrangements. He's numb as he arrives and starts signing every contract or payment order that's put under his nose. He bears it, insides hollow, as one by one relatives cry at him, scorn him for not being a better son (better ATM), beg him for money, then yell at him.

It's hours before he's left alone. Hours before he's allowed to retreat into a glass of vodka, and by that point, the numbness is a blessing. He hasn't cried in years, and some small part of him knows that right now, if he let himself, he wouldn't just be crying over his father, or the way his family treat him. He takes another swig of vodka before his mind can turn down a dangerous rabbit hole.

They’re drafting at 10-20 overall these years, and don’t luck into any star players. Eventually they fall backwards into a rebuild in the early 2010s on account of having no good players left. Between 2012 and 2017 they draft Boodram, Dykstra, Holmberg, LaPointe and Young. 

Around 2017 exciting things start to happen. The tight-fisted owner dies and his kids, who are progressive and want to spend money on the team, take over. The Cens trade for Chouinard and draft Luca. 

The GM is feeling pretty happy that he can actually maybe sign a second-pair man and some veteran scoring help rather than filling out his depth chart on the waiver wire, when his phone rings. Rozanov? Ilya Rozanov? Cup winning, Conn Smythe, Hart, and Rocket Richard winner Ilya Rozanov? Haha, funny prank, whoever you are, but he knows Rozanov’s agent is Mike Sidorov like most of the Russians in the league.

“He changed his representation. Steve, check caller ID. This is Farah Jalali. We were speaking last week about Martin LaPointe.”

Steve checks caller ID and starts hyperventilating. He conferences in his cap expert AGM, Joe, who pulls up his spreadsheets, sweating. Up until last season his job was to hit the cap floor, he’s not used to this. “Full NMC, signing bonuses, whatever he wants,” Steve says. He calls the owners to say he’s maybe in on the biggest UFA not only of the summer, but the decade. They compliment Steve on his great GM-ing (Steve doesn’t know what he did) and green-light offering Ilya the highest salary in the league. Steve and Joe put together an initial offer. Farah gives Steve the second shock of the day by saying that Rozanov is actually in Ottawa for some reason and can meet in person tomorrow. (The NHL still had the ‘legal tampering’ period just before free agency in 2018).

Steve stares out of his office window at a suburban mall and a car dealership, thinks of the lack of championship banners in the rafters of his arena, and thinks Rozanov can’t possibly want to sign here, he’s using them as leverage for whatever team he really wants to sign with. He has a lie-down in a conference room for ten minutes and drinks some Gatorade, then leaves his wife a voicemail to say he’ll be working late and rounds up the rest of his AGMs to put together a sales pitch. The only dissenting voice is the AGM who’s also the Director of Player Development who says the rebuild is only half cooked, their forward depth sucks, they have no centres. “What position does Rozanov play, point guard?” Steve snaps. “Focus, Brian, we can’t just pass this up. It’s probably not going to happen anyway.”

Steve knows Ilya’s reputation on and off the ice, but he turns up wearing cargo shorts and a plaid shirt looking like he’s just been fishing at the cottage like a good old Canadian kid. (He’s wearing a tank top underneath and at one point his collar slips to show a fresh hickey on his collarbone, so he clearly hasn't lost his rumoured knack for finding company).

Steve is used to pitching Ottawa to thirty-six year-olds who are looking for a retirement contract and good schools for the kids. He feels like he's mentioned their great young players and how amazing it would be to revitalize hockey in Ottawa three times already.

He brings up endorsements. Even a small Canadian market has opportunities there.

"Maybe I'll steal Hollaner's energy drink one," Rozanov says. "The one where he looked like wet cat in the adverts."

"Ha ha," Steve says. "Yes, you'd be able to continue your rivalry!"

Rozanov grins.

Steve debriefs with his AGMs afterwards. "i don't think it was a complete disaster," he says.

"He was weirdly enthusiatic, but non-specific," one of the AGMs says.

Farah calls back. Rozanov wants to sign! With them! In Ottawa! Steve takes his wife out to dinner and champagne on the evening of July 2nd after it's all done.

Rozanov's first year in Ottawa goes ok. They don't make the playoffs, but they're in the running well into the spring. The next year Ilya gets an injury early on that he probably comes back from too soon, when he's healthy Bood gets injured, Chouinard is stressed because his wife's having a difficult pregnancy, and so on. Back down they go to the bottom of the standings. Steve wonders when he'll be fired.

Year 3. They're firmly in a playoff spot at the trade deadline. Steve mostly stands pat because he made his big addition earlier in the year by getting Barrett for a bag of pucks.

Steve's in his office, reading an article speculating why Hollander hasn't extended in Montreal yet, when an intern runs in, makes spluttering noises and shoves a phone in his face. It's a video of Rozanov and Hollander, and they're.....Steve now understands why Rozanov signed.

He waves off the intern and runs into Joe's office. Joe has six spreadsheets up on his monitors and is also scribbling furiously on a notepad. "Joe, what does our cap space projection look like for this summer?" Steve asks. Joe shows him the result of his calculations. It probably won't be enough, Steve thinks.

"We should consider...flexibility," he says, wiping sweat from his forehead. "In case of...eventualities." He doesn't dare say it out loud.

While that is true, a lot of parents will do that and fail to see how their own actions are the problem.

If you've spanked him, he's less likely to understand consent.

If you've forced him to sit on Santa's lap, he's less likely to understand consent.

If you've forced him to give hugs and kisses to family members, he's less likely to understand consent.

If you've grabbed him in order to force him to sit still, he's less likely to understand consent.

If you've labeled him as "too sensitive" for not wanting to be touched, he's less likely to understand consent.

If you've assumed he's okay with something because he technically allowed it even though he felt pressured, he's less likely to understand consent.

One of my sisters has young children, both of whom are some flavor of neurodivergent. She is too, and as a result she often lost patience quickly with some of their quirks. The biggest offender is that her kids are extremely wary around anyone they deem to be a stranger, making social connection very difficult for all participants.

When I first met her daughter, she was 3 or 4, and was extremely reluctant to come and meet me. My sister began to shame and push and pull her towards me and I stopped her. I said "don't force her, don't teach her that she has to let men she doesn't know touch her, she doesn't need to hug me"

My sister froze in place, processed it for a moment, and let her daughter go. She went back to hiding behind mom. We continued our conversation and her son slowly approached me, hugged me, and climbed up onto the chair I was in to sit beside me and partially in my lap. After a few minutes, her daughter joined him. She didn't hug me, but she came over to touch and talk to me.

My sister was speechless. Her kids DON'T do that. I've heard many complaints from many family members about how antisocial they are. All I did was stick up for their right to offer or withdraw consent- and really just her daughter's, as her son had met me pre-covid and had already gotten over the hurdle at 2 years old, but her daughter was born during covid and thus it made her severe distrust of strangers even worse.

Now her kids are in elementary school and making friends easily and I regularly get stories from her about how she witnesses them connect with other socially withdrawn kids and stand up for both themselves and their quieter friends. She took my advice to heart and started allowing them to voice whether they consented to something and now her little boy will approach a crying kid on the playground and say something like "do you want to play, or do you want me to just sit with you, or do you want to be alone?" and then actually listen to what the other kid tells him.

My niece has an incredibly traumatized boy in her class who escaped war with his family, and he doesn't talk to anyone. But he visibly relaxes when my niece goes to sit next to him when he's too scared and curled up in the classroom's Quiet Corner. She reads to him and shows him her toys and holds his hand on field trips and yells at anyone who is mean to him. I'm told she's the only person who can approach or touch him without causing a meltdown besides his family, and it started because the first time she sat with him she asked if it was okay if she did so and she waited several minutes for him to nod before she sat down.

But they still avoid the family members that forced them to interact even when they were uncomfortable. I still hear those complaints, hundreds of miles away, and the jealousy that I've only met the kids a few times but they talk incessantly about me. If I call one of my family members and the kids are over, I can hear them in the background trying to talk to me if they figure out it's me on the other line.

Other useful AI Removal/Detection links

How to spot AI Hallucinations like a Reference Librarian (originally on Substack)

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