death and dying

彼女の奥

photo /  https://ryo-nov14.tumblr.com/

Sorry I’ve been pretty inactive here. I’ve sort of.. moved on from the tumblr phase of my life, if that makes sense. Not that I’ve outgrown it, because I’m still effectively 5 years old, but I’ve found new things to fill my spare time. Sorry I don’t respond to messages either.. I never get notified :(

I am on an upward swing. New job, impending change to my living situation, all that. I want to move into this chapter of my life with a clean slate, as much as I can. I want to unload a lot of the baggage I have been holding on to. A lot of it is petty and high school, but you need to understand that I have never gotten closure on any of these things. I will admit to some amount of a victim complex… But I’ve gotten support towards the idea that I really was pretty disenfranchised in a lot of this. 

Before I get into it, I want to be totally clear. I am not going to name names here. If you feel like something I say is directed towards you, feel free to reach out. You do not have to. This is also certainly not everything, but I’ll start reaching out to individuals soon. I’m not trying to call anyone out, but I’m feeling compelled to be candid in a way I haven’t afforded myself before.

1) Years ago there was a situation with a certain person. This person was… honestly just awful to me. Used my religion, anxiety, depression, self-harm, and giving nature to manipulate and toy with me. This “friendship” ended in flames and resulted in me going to therapy. I had close friends who were aware of the situation and claimed to be behind me 100%, but then let this person worm their way in like they had done to me. I was met with anger when I tried to speak up to the individuals involved, and when I vented on here about how people I trusted were giving my abusive ex-friend this power, one of you screenshotted it and sent it to that person, resulting in them lashing out at me. Why would you do that? Every person I could think of denied doing it, but regardless, if you’re reading this, you really messed me up for a while. I didn’t feel safe venting to anybody, anywhere. You can send this to that person too if you want, I don’t care anymore, but at the time I was still recovering from that relationship and you knowingly opened the door to more verbal and mental assault from the very person I was upset about. Thanks? I got the guy in the end, and we still laugh about how awful this person was… silver lining?

2) There are a few people here (one/some may be reading this. Hi.) who I have had to distance myself from, either in defense of someone they hurt, or for my own good. You know who you are, and I want you to know that I genuinely wish no ill will upon you. I social-media-stalk you from time to time to make sure you’re okay. Please just know that I don’t hate you. I hope you don’t hate me.

3) A consistent theme throughout my life is people I care about playing the misery games… It hurts when I try to reach out to people or vent and it becomes “me too listen how it’s worse for me”. I know it’s not intentional, but it… sucks that as much as I try to give people all the time and support they need when they need it, that’s not given to me. I won’t get into it here, but in my darkest moments I felt really alone. Madisson is wonderful and he does as much as he can, but I feel like I have no safety net or support network at those times…