Your name here

It's been a while. As I am starting to write this, fingers stumbling all over the keyboard trying to find their way, I am reminded of the fact that I have not really even used a keyboard in the last 4 years.

Life has been busy. Had a job, quit that job. Got another job, got married and bought a house, then quit that job. Found a job that I really liked and was very good at, got pregnant, stopped working. Now here I am.

She will be 4 this July 2026 and I am trying to wrap my head around where all the time has gone as well try to discover myself again. What do I like? What are my goals? What do I want to do with any spare time I may be gaining when she starts preschool soon. Like, what do I want to be when I grow up? I'm 41, what a question. Crazy.

Anyway, there is a lot to figure out. There is one thing I know, I miss literature. I miss writing. I miss reading. I miss learning new things and drinking in information like water. I am dehydrated. I figure this is the first step to my return to home base. Me.

Making a decision for you....

Deciding to pursue something for you, because you need to, because you are unhappy.....

These are things that are selfish, but they are ok. Change can be really scary, we all know it, but sometimes change is necessary. I suppose it’s good to never be completely comfortable and settled with yourself. There should always be a small part of you that is a bit hungry for something more.

Self evaluation, taking a closer look at yourself, is vital. In this process you can decide what it is you truly want and why.

I have not written here in a very long time. In fact, I’ve been unable to write just about anywhere I have tried lately. The amount of pages I have torn out of my journal in an attempt to get my thoughts out on paper is ridiculous and wasteful. However, something happened this morning that made me want to post here, no matter how hard or how long it took for me to get out the proper words....

The lesson here is simple. DO NOT let one negative event impact how you shape the rest of your day. I am already losing this battle as something occurred this morning that set me off. Unfortunately, the way I am wired (especially lately) just does not allow me to move past the bad right now. The only person I have to blame for that is myself. In fact, I will just say it, I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO GET PAST THIS RIGHT NOW. Believe me guys, I am well aware. I am my own friggin’ worst enemy. I just get stuck. YOU DON’T HAVE TO.

We cannot choose what happens to us. Wouldn’t that be nice? We can, however, choose how we REACT to what happens to us. Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to state the obvious here... .WE ARE IN COMPLETE CONTROL OF OURSELVES. WE DRIVE THE BUS. WE MAP OUT THE ROUTE. WE ARE THE BOSS.

Some of us, including myself, need to hear that. ESPECIALLY this morning. If you don’t like something, change it. If you want something, go get it. If you feel something, validate it. If you’re afraid of something, confront it. If you love something or someone, tell them. BE YOU. Be imperfectly, unapoligetically you. When it comes to your life, DO NOT get in the passenger seat. Drive god dammit. Trust me, you will thank yourself later.

You know when your mother would tell you “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”.......

True Story. I swear this is something I will forever be attempting to instill in my girls. I will say this until I am blue in the face and to be honest I NEVER pictured myself saying it at all. In fact, there are many things my parents used to say to me that I remember laughing at, or getting annoyed and angry at that I have caught myself repeating to my own kids.

I sometimes find myself always thinking of the negative things going on around me and waiting for the other shoe to drop. However, when that moment happens, it truly does pack a punch.

I know her so well because I gave her shelter while she grew. I felt each movement and each breath. Every ripple was new life and exciting possibility. Every kick was gratifying and awakening. Every stillness was peaceful yet I was nervous she had went away. 

She knows me so well because she has heard the sound of my heartbeat from the inside. She knows the way my voice sounded. It was like listening to me call her name behind a closed door. Still I spoke to her save she would hear me and know that I was still there. 

I gave her life and she gave me purpose. Together we exist and apart there will still be no bond stronger than a mother and her child. 

There was a time when I would settle because it was the easiest thing to do. The path of least resistance was the best path for me. If it didn’t make me happy it was ok because there were always small fleeting moments when I would smile again and I told myself that made up for all the frowns.

There is no excuse for being unhappy. There is no reason that you should EVER settle. There is always a way to choose what is best for you. Even if the cost is high at first, I promise you the price you pay near the end is even greater if you don’t make the choice now.

I once lost myself. There was a past that wasn’t pleasant for me. I hurt some people along the way. I forgot who I was, what I wanted and what was important to me. I dismissed it all and because of that the effort it took for me to feel good again was large. I did it though. I got there. I am here now because of where I was.