You know how you get older and some things seem better but a small part of you still wants to die? Yeah.

I'm a fucking idiot. Just all around. I wish I could just disappear, dissolve into the void.

I fucking hate feeling like this. Fucking sad and I'm not even sure what it's about. Obviously I have some reasons to be sad but this feels like more than that. I don't know. That doesn't even make sense. Whatever. I'm fucking sad. No fucking surprise there.

I wish I could just fucking disappear.

I think I'm really stupid and I don't know what I'm doing with my life.

Today is a bad mental health day. It's been a bad mental health day for a while now. But I don't tell anyone, I don't talk to anyone about what is going on or how I feel because what's the point. I feel like crying but at the same time too numb to even do that. I feel like sleeping but at the same time hate myself for not being productive for not doing shit with my fucking life. I really fucking hate myself sometimes, a waste of space human being. I know they say you should be kind to yourself and love yourself more than anything but I don't know if I can. I feel like I've hated myself for so long now that's there's really no going back. I don't know anymore. Just rambling about nonsense that no one cares about. Some days I really wish I could just disappear, I wish that I had never existed, because I think about suicide but then, as I always do, I immediately think of the people it would hurt and how I can't do that to them but if I could go back and just stop my existence from ever happening, I think I would. That way no one would be hurt and I could not be here feeling the way that I do. It's just all too much.