I’ve written some essays that got me in a few prestigious universities with scholarships, since high school. Yeah, obviously I did not want people to read them. One of my best buddies in high school used to ask me to read mine. I know he was curious about what I wrote. Because we were close, and he liked me, was into me and wanted to know more about me. But I was not an open book. I can answer people about what I’ve written about, but I do not really want people to read them. It is because it’s vulnerable that people reading what I write and they can see how I see things, which is basically the same thing as reading my mind.
However, at that time, I brought one of my essays to a girl that I adored and asked her to read it. She read and complimented it a lot. I realized that it was not about the scare of being vulnerable anymore. It was about the people I chose to be seen with. Even when me and this girl were not best friends, we were and are on good terms, but she made me feel safe, seen and heard. I adores her, and she adores me. The mutual respect has given me the chance of being more open to human. And I’m glad I chose her for doing that.
Till this day, not so many people can read what I write, even though I’ve thought about making a blog writing about stuff or making a podcast talking about daily stuff. I may do it one day. Like anh K, he used to make a podcast talking about stuff (I mean I was really supportive of him and his podcast but he discontinued it years ago). He was also one of my inspirations years ago. We are still on good terms, and our respect for each other remains unchanged.
Same as anh HA, one of the people that always believes in me, said I have big potential and encouraged me in several ways at that time.
The rest of the world, I don’t know. Why do people want to look at me when I accomplished something, not when I was in the progress of doing it? Because I know those people did not have faith in me, said my portfolio was not good enough. Overall, the underestimating and the unmatched respect were always there at the first place, given me the open eyes to see that people simply do not care until you show them the result, or at least something beforehand.
I enjoy the process, to be honest. I love every moment of it. I did not care how it turned out, and just simply poured my heart into it. I like the processes, I like the final products, and I also like the results. I just do not want to share them with people that I do not trust and that do not trust me completely.
Because I’m an ordinary girl.
My point of view, is a unique one, just as everybody else.
So unless there’s a reason that I want to be more open or more connected to people, I choose to stay away. Because the more open I am, the more drama I have. It’s better to mind my own biz. And it’s better to close my mouth, in every ways.
But here’s what the world chooses, they like being heard, they like sweet words, and they like a good storyteller. I’m none of those things. I don’t make promises that I know I will not keep. I don’t brag about what I did. I don’t want people to think about me in a good way whatsoever through my words. I believe in actions, not words. I like when people noticed what I did, through their eyes, not through my words. My good reputation comes from people around me, people who met me, worked with me, and saw me doing hard things at the hard times.
However, because I don’t speak up, people thought it was easy. Not appreciating people enough is the easiest way to let them go.
But do I care? Lemme tell you, old Mel can be nervous about what people think of her, but the now one doesn’t really care about it anymore. You can like her, or you just don’t care about her. Either way she appreciates your effort of getting to know her.
turnnoffyourmind
andulkaphoto
tangentwithtanner
blakekathryn
