Be My Brometheos

Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there and he was like “how ya feeling son” in the dadliest way possible and I was like “MAN I AM PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I’M STARVED” so we drove about 3 blocks to a jamba juice, whereupon I say “I’m good I can do this” and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door. I burst in the door like a viking returning from some fucking battle and holler “WHATS UP FUCKS” to everyone in the store, which was thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter, who looked probably as scared/confused as a jamba juice employee could look.

So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I looked up at the jamba juice menu and was utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was looking at this menu board for a year, deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits. I distinctly remember that I was looking at each item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted, then moving on to the next thing and thinking of how that tasted, and how they would taste together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and says “hey are you going to order or what”. Keep in mind I’m on the first fucking smoothie on the list here. So I just say “shush man I’m trying to do fruit science”, and then when I realized that this process could take literal years, I just said “yeah give me a smooth regular” which for the uninitiated, isn’t actually a real thing on any menu. Oh, also I asked them if the “boosted” smoothies would give me super powers and then pointed my fingers at them and made “lightning noises”.

So my dad just orders me the first thing on the menu and I go to sit down and stare out the window or some shit and my thoroughly amused dad just looks at me and says “how ya feelin?”. Now at this time I was feeling a lot of things, but most noticeable to me was the gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say “there’s these fuckin… tiny sheep in my head” which at the time was the best way I had to convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of emotion that gift made me feel (I still have them).

“You’re from Arizona, and you’re skin is STILL that pale?”

“Yeah, I can’t be around blood, it makes me…squeamish.”

“I know she keeps saying Edward jumped in front of the van and that’s why she’s okay, but that makes even less sense? He wasn’t even near her anyway.”

It pays homage to Pluto, previously known as the ninth planet, since Persephone was Pluto/Hades’s wife in Greek Mythology

It helps make up for the gender inequality in the names of planets, since Venus is the only other planet named after a woman

Like I’m not even surprised

Black cards-

• THERES A ______ LOOSE! IN THE HOSPITAL

• Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell ________

• Canceling plans is like ________

• Do my friends hate me? Or do I just need _____

• You have the moral backbone of a _______

• I’ll keep all of my ___________ right here and the one day I’ll die

White Cards-

• what’s new pussycat played 7 times followed by its not unusual followed by what’s new pussy cat

• smoking cocaine the night before your college graduation

• a 28 year old healthy man trying his best

• one black coffee

• STREET SMARTS

• shushing animals even though they’ve never spoken

• Delta Airlines

• the one thing they can’t replace

• an on fire garbage can… could be a nursery

• a sea of drunk toddlers

• a pre- y2k asshole

One of them stays behind to pay the bill and the other three proceed to the first hole. While golfing, the three fathers start bragging about their sons.

The first father says, “I am very proud of my son Arthur; he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel and now he is at the top!  He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”

The second fathers says, “My son Ivan is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third father says, “Well, well, well - congratulations! My son, Ludwig, is also my pride and joy and is also very rich. He became an engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He built a mansion especially for his best friend.”

Then the fourth father catches up and they ask him how his son is doing.

The fourth father replies, “Oh, my son Alfred is gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends shake their heads and say, “What a shame, you must be so unhappy! How tragic.”

Have we ever discussed the fact that 2001 - 2012 Disney channel’s shows all had strong female leads, with the exception of Zack and Cody but they had a black man in charge, a smart poor white blonde girl and a dumb rich Asian so still beautifully diverse.

humans irl: *pack bond with strangers*

*pack bond with large carnivores*

*pack bond with robots in space thousands of miles away*

Millions of years of evolution (more than that, really. Billions) have hard-wired you. Unless you are an aberrant (sociopathy/psychopathy) in some way, you are hard coded, in your very GENES, to give a shit about your fellow man and organize into peer groups.