When Jane Austen said, "And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself, because I could find no language to describe them in."

When Fyodor Dostoevsky said, “Much unhappiness has come into world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid.”

When Parveen Shakir said "jo ġham milā hai bojh uThāyā hai us kā ḳhud ,

sar zer-e-bār-e-sāġhar-o-bāda nahīñ kiyā"

And Ahmad Faraz wrote "dukh fasāna nahīñ ki tujh se kaheñ "

ham ki dukh oḌh ke ḳhalvat meñ paḌe rahte haiñ ,ham ne bāzār meñ zaḳhmoñ kī numā.ish nahīñ kī

- Faraz

so i walk and that's fine and i'm using the phone in an okay-way in that moment. but sometimes i am using the phone like it is a weapon and that's stupid because no it's not. ive seen a weapon those are different this is a phone. but it's also in my hands until 2 AM and i haven't slept. at 4AM. i don't even mean to do it half the time i'm opening the phone to check the weather or to check my email which are things-that-are-okay but then i am in my phone for hours somehow, and i missed the dawn while i was on instagram. i don't even like instagram.

i don't want to be on my phone im not good at it so i try to put distance there but then i'm distancing myself from my friends. we meet up in person but my pictures are on my phone and the menu is on the phone (mon dieu) and so is venmo. so i need the phone to be with my friends and that's fine because it can record concerts and fun activities and i can take pictures of them smiling with pumpkins.

but i don't want to be on the phone because i go to look at the pictures of the pumpkins and i hate how i look in it but it's fine. and somewhere between the pumpkins and 3AM i have lost so much time. i don't even know what i'm doing on it only that i don't enjoy it any longer. it is this long blank void. forever and ever. restless like how mushrooms feel restless beside a dead body.