mehowity

this is totally canon unless i’m remembering wrong

The hunting competition of 2x04 will always have my heart for the parallels it draws between Lottie and Nat, even at their most divided. They share the same lack of internal self-worth, driven by abuse and neglect in their childhoods, and therefore they seek this worth externally by depleting themselves in service of others (in ways that directly oppose and harm each other). This episode captures that dynamic at one of its most dysfunctional points, where Lottie and Nat’s need to be useful turns actively self-destructive.

Natalie has found a sense of worth and purpose in providing for the team as the hunter, which grants her praise and admiration she has always secretly craved, but when winter sets in and game becomes scarce (and the group’s praise of her is gradually replaced by resentment and doubt), Nat’s desperation to maintain her value leads her to push herself to the brink trudging through several feet of snow in subzero temperatures for miles every single day searching for something to bring back to the group. Every time she returns empty-handed, her sense of failure and responsibility for the group’s starvation grows.

In 2x04, Nat is directly blamed for the group’s lack of food while Lottie is favored as the group’s savior, which is quietly devastating for her (even as she attempts to mask it with defensiveness and anger). It’s reopening this wound of rejection, alienation, and perceived uselessness she has suffered her entire life, and the need to escape this feeling (along with her strong envy of Lottie) pushes her into suggesting the hunting competition, not out of practicality but out of a need to prove her worth to the group again.

Lottie is placed on a pedestal as the group’s savior, and while she’s visibly uncomfortable with their idolization of her, she doesn’t challenge it or defend Nat. Speaking up would risk losing the only thing anchoring her, the group’s belief in her. Lottie has felt the same alienation and sense of inadequacy that Nat is experiencing, and she’s finally found a way to escape that feeling through her role as the group’s prophet. After a lifetime of being seen as “sick,” this is the first time she’s been treated as valuable, even sacred. This is her first time experienced connection and what it’s like to belong. So she protects that role at all costs. Just as Nat is desperate to prove herself, Lottie is desperate to maintain the group’s faith. So she accepts the competition, even though it reinforces a dynamic that’s harming both of them.

During the competition, Lottie nearly freezes to death chasing the Wilderness, and Natalie nearly drowns trying to retrieve the white moose. Nat’s devastated sobs as she watches the moose sink, and Lottie’s gasps of pain as she lays in the snow unable to move show just how far these girls have pushed themselves in pursuit of feeling worthy. The group demands too much from both of them, and they both destroy themselves in different ways in order to fulfill the group's needs. They both act in ways that appear selfless on the surface, but are really driven by self-preservation and fulfillment, and tend to result in the destruction of themselves and those around them.

she’s cheesing bro

with the holes in his sneakers

and his eyes all over me