Meet me at the wall.

Dont know why but the tone and content of this message really hit me in the ol’ chest a bit. I wanna give you a hug and buy you a drink and then five more drinks and then go to noraebang and scream 2NE1’s “I Don’t Care” followed by “Africa”. 

Do you know what? I am going to lay out plain and clear my opinion on this really common complaint among foreign women dating Korean men in Korea. I started thinking about how I would answer this very simply on my phone waiting in the bank earlier, and then my brain just went off on a wild one by itself, and I realised I have a lot pent up in the corners of my being about this topic. So here it is. Four years of experience gleaned by dating and reading and talking and hearing about dating in Korea to try and answer the question: “The Fade: Why the hell does this keep happening to me and what can I do about it?”

Feel free to disagree.

Here is my opinion.

Anon, lovely anon, you are not crazy. You feel crazy because this thing keeps repeating itself and your gut instinct is telling you that it’s bullshit but the fact that you like these men and want them to like you back and you are in a foreign country with ~*culture difference*~ is clouding your better judgment. I know. how. you. feel.

So.

Question: Would you not put up with this behaviour from a good friend?

Another question: Would you not put up with this behaviour from a guy back home?

Two final questions: Is this behaviour consistent? Does it make you feel shit and does he acknowledge that it makes you feel shit but refuses to change or compromise?

First and foremost. If the answer is yes to any of the above then let him go. Let him go. He is not good for you. He is not treating you right. You don’t deserve this. This is not culture difference. THIS IS NOT CULTURE DIFFERENCE. This is douchebag behaviour.Got it? GOT IT?? Good.

No ifs or buts!!! Wait a minute!!!

Have I been on dates with guys in Korea I liked who became inconsistent and flaky with contact? Yes, I have. Have some made these kinds of “But I’m just so busy please understaaaaand” excuses? Yes, they have. Did I try to understand? Yes, I did. Did it get better? No. Did I feel shit about it? Yes. Did I roll about on my friends’ beds in my pyjamas like WHY GOD WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY I HATE MYSELF? Maybe a few times.

“Ok” I hear you say, “But Why does it seem like this only happens to foreign women here??”

Lots of reasons. First reason is: it doesn’t. You just might not hear about all the times it happens to Korean women (and Korean men!). Because what I do think can be pinned down to ~*culture difference*~ is this apparently fairly common way of ‘ending’ things with a romantic partner. I’m not talking about marriages, or long term relationships. I’m talking about the early stages of dating. I’m talking about meeting someone for a while, trying to work out whether you genuinely like that person or not, and then realising you maybe don’t as much as you thought you did and deciding what to do about it. I’m talking about the text messages or phonecalls we might be used to at home: an honest “I’m sorry, I’ve realised I just don’t like you in that way”, or the euphemi-bismal “I’m just not looking for a girlfriend right now.” Even if you’ve been quite intimate with a person, back at home, we still might expect a piece of contact just honestly letting us down.In Korea? In my humble experience I don’t think it is necessarily the same. In a culture where ‘saving face’ is very much an integral part of everyday life, a painfully honest “I just don’t like you enough, sorry”, might seem far more disrespectful or offensive than a softer ”I’m just too busy to meet at the minute”.

Of course, this not an absolute rule. There are foreign guys who beat around the bush, and there are Korean guys who tell it how it is.

Second reason: I outlined here some reasons I think maybe it’s harder sometimes for foreign women in Korea to meet the ‘good guys’. Maybe his motives for wanting to meet with you as a foreigner were not so pure to start with. Maybe he has another girlfriend, who he assumes you can’t find out about because you don’t speak Korean/are removed from his social circle/he is not even bothered either way because he’s that much of a twat* (delete as appropriate). Maybe he knows in the back of his head that you two could never be anything long term.

Whatever his reason, this leads me on to what I believe to be a very simple equation: flaky, inconsistent contact and excuses for flaky, inconsistent contact =  he is just not that into you.

(I’m sorry it’s mean I know)

Is this 100% always, always the case? Of course not. Obviously people are PEOPLE and not robots and so no guidelines on human behaviour can ever be followed down to a T. Yes he MIGHT just be insanely busy with work. He MIGHT not be able to look at his phone all day. He MIGHT have a grandmother who he needs to visit in hospital at the weekends, or a friend’s wedding suddenly when you’d arranged to meet, or parents who don’t like him staying out late or away from home, or unexpected work meals and overtime all the time, or exams, or assignments, or a pushy boss, or or or or or or. But my genuine, gut, serious, honest, brutal, basic opinion is that if a Korean guy - ANY guy - keeps saying he is too busy to see you or even talk to you, to the point where it is making you feel neglected and anxious, then he just does not feel the same way about you as you do him. Fin.

What is one thing that makes me certain I can know this as fact? Simple. Because I am fucking busy!!!!! I am 너무 너무 너무 힘들어! I feel like, DUDE, if I like you enough to make the time in my million hour work days to make you feel a little appreciated then you can be DAMN sure that I am not putting up with anything less from your sorry ass.

*breathes through nostrils*

Sorry where was I.

“So how can I stop it from happening to me again????” You wail, I wail, we all wail in a chorus of exasperation while refreshing our Tumblr dashboards and mixing soju-tears with mouthfuls of 7-11 Haagen Daaz ice cream that cost like a days’ wage but you’re so pissed off right now you don’t even CARE.

Easy answer: You can’t. There is no magic filter for sale on g-market which weans out the Bad Korean Men, just as there is no way to protect yourself from being treated like a butt wipe by any man anywhere in the world. However there are things you can do. Look out for signs. If a guy can’t even manage to make a great first impression on you, then things are unlikely to get any better. Meet his friends, be involved in his life, if he hurts you tell him he has hurt you, go on dates, travel together, do all of the things that normal couples do.And most importantly: be yourself. Trying to be someone else, or making yourself into something else, or forcing yourself to settle for less because he is trying to tell you that you should never helped anyone. Why? Because that shit is impossible to keep up. Then, when it does all inevitably crumble to pieces, you will only kick yourself for making allowances for that no-good piece of trash.

THIS I KNOW!!!!

Finally: at the end of the day, someone can be as culturally different from you as humanly possible, they can have grown up on a deserted island raised by alpacas having never spoken to another human, he or she can be a kakao talk alien head from another planet, and it does not matter. If they do not know how to make you happy, or they are making you unhappy, and there seems to be zero room for understanding or compassion or compromise on their part, then they are just not the person for you.

Stop that. No buts. I said stop it. You deserve better.

I lived and still live in Gangnam. The guy would finish his first shift at 11pm, drive the 40 minutes in the dark from his work to my house to be with me, and then leave at 5am again (while it was still dark) to do the 40 minute drive back. Even if I was asleep the whole time, he would just climb in my bed, spoon and sleep himself, and then leave as quietly as he could at five. I would regularly wake up to small gifts or snacks and notes from him left in my house.

We broke up after two years (and he didn't have that work schedule the whole time) but like ... that truly hit it home for me. If a guy likes you, he will go the distance. Quite literally. He will make an effort, no matter how overworked, successful, stressed, or famous.

And now I am busier even than I was when I wrote that post, and I still make time for the guys I like. So any man that ever tries to tell me otherwise can show himself out! 💁🏼‍♀️