Anxiety: Symptoms include stress that's out of proportion to the impact of the event, inability to set aside a worry, and restlessness.

I have dealt with anxiety and depression since about 2009. I have some really good days and some really bad ones. Depression will come and go, but I have anxiety almost 90% of the time. Didn’t matter what was going on in my life, I always had a fear that something would go wrong and that fear is so overpowering. Anxiety is different for everyone, but for me my symptoms include: nausea/pit in my stomach, sleeplessness, jitters, crying/anger, and racing thoughts. Pre-Mom/Pre-pregnancy life, my go to for handling my anxiety was snagging Xanax from a friend (my PCP wouldn't prescribe it to me, only a daily medication and those never truly helped) and alcohol! Another way I handled things was to “run away” aka go to my favorite place in the whole wide world (Maine) and shut my phone off and escape. Some may think that me shutting my phone off doesn’t necessarily fix the issues rather than ignore them, but c’mon. The beach, salty breeze, some good wine, and lobster... what else does a girl need? 

WELL once pregnancy hit, I didn’t have those outlets anymore. My hormones from pregnancy and postpartum made/make my anxiety surge. From day 1 of finding out I was pregnant I had a constant fear that I was going to have a miscarriage. I’m not kidding every day I'd wake up and think that my baby boy was dead inside of me and it didn’t get better when time went on, only worse. As pregnancy progresses you’re supposed to count 10 kicks a day within 1 hour. I had an anterior placenta and didn’t really feel him until I was 25 weeks pregnant. I freaked out every time I couldn’t get in the 10 counts. Fear of miscarriage was prominent until he was born... 

then we get to postpartum anxiety. I watch him breathe all day. Hes napping and I'm in the same room as him. “Nap when baby naps” is the biggest fucking joke I've ever heard. Your mind races ‘what if he stops breathing’ ‘what if the swaddle gets lose and goes over his face’ ‘what if he spits up and chokes’ ‘what if he cries and I'm not there to pick him up right away’ ‘is he even sleeping’ ‘how long has he been sleeping for’ Then theres anxiety with eating, breast feeding brought me so much anxiety. As much of a heart break it was for me to end breast feeding, it actually has helped my anxiety a little because I know hes getting the right amount of food. While breast feeding he was eating 24/7 so I never knew if he was getting enough food or not and he was on the ‘slow to gain’ weight scale, bringing him to 9% average during his 2mo. appointment. I didn’t want to pump in the first few weeks in fear I would get an over supply, or if I did pump he would get hungry and I would be unable to feed him. everyone I spoke to said it was normal and hes cluster feeding. lemme tell you cluster feeding every day and every night for 10 weeks is NOT normal. I was SCARED to go to his doctors appointments in fear they would tell me that hes not gaining weight... my fears were real but yet I didn’t want to stop breast feeding. In my last post, you read that I ultimately had enough and we now formula feed, but it was a TIME lemme tell you. 

Leaving the house without him is so hard, currently I only feel comfortable leaving him with my mom and even then I get so nervous. I know that he wouldn’t die and she would watch him but I constantly think ‘I hope she gets him down for a nap’ or ‘I hope she feeds him but doesn’t over feed him’. I refuse to leave him with my dad or my grandparents and I know they wouldn’t let anything bad happen to him but I can't get myself to leave him alone with them. its seriously so hard and then they get offended.

Now on to breast engorgment and drying up my supply. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. It hurts and I did it the “bad” cold turkey way. Which in hindsight I definitely shouldn’t have done. Instead of cutting out a pumping session every few days and slowly drying up your supply I decided to just stop and self express when they’re so big to touch. Big mistake. I can tell the milk his died down drastically, but now I have a clogged duct and it hurts so bad!!! I’m still refusing to pump it out, but I’m hoping hand expressing will release it. Also I’ve been weari a green cabbage bra for the past week and talking Sudafed. Green cabbage is a miracle when it comes to drying up your supply. I think without it, I would have had mastitis by now. My left boob didn’t supply that much, so the engorgment isn’t bad but I have some hard spots while the right boob is so large and lumpy. When all of this is over my boobs are going to be so flat and probably mishapped. My right boob is drastically bigger than the left. Might need to invest in a boob job or something because shit. 28 years old with saggy boobs is not attractive. When my husband gets home from deployment he’s NOT going to be turned on by me. I will say that becoming a mom, going through labor and pregnancy brings a whole new meaning to “loving your body”. My body will never be the same. External hemorrhoids, saggy boobs, saggy skin, stretch marks and a c-section fupa. I hate it all, but it’s given me my baby boy. Who I’d do anything for.

I originally wanted to wait to write this post as I wanted a successful breast feeding journey. BUT here I am, and I think I've officially had enough. I am all for ‘fed is best’ and whatever you feed your baby I'm proud of you for giving them what they need and to grow and be strong. HOWEVER, I don’t give myself the same standards. Before having a baby I had the mindset of ‘I’m going to try to breast feed but if I can’t its no big deal, I'll feed him formula’ Literally the first night of having my baby, I was 100% invested in breast feeding. I have a LONG and emotional breast feeding journey. Here is how mine and my sons journey went with breast feeding. Prepare... it’s a LONG post

First hour: Not latching, Nurses throw nipple shield at me. I get my son to have WHATEVER colostrum I have, who knows if its enough, but he seemed content for the first two days. He would only use a nipple shield from here on out- will explain more later. Also the nurses were AGGRESSIVE and awful with helping me. When I say aggressive I mean shoving my sons face in my boob with his mouth closed and SQUEEZING my boob.

Day three noon: Didn’t have enough wet diapers and about to be discharged early after a c-section thanks to COVID. Babies at this point have the same number of wet diapers as they are old... so he should have had three. My husband and I questioned his output and we were pushed aside. I also reached out to the nurses because it was taking my son an hour to eat colostrum... Babies at this age have TINY stomachs and it should not take long to fill him up. No lactation consult was given to me at any point even when we asked

Day three midnight: My son was hysterical. Every time I tried to breast feed him (with the nipple shield) he would suck a few times then pass out, which you think “oh he’s “milk drunk”” but not even 5 minutes later he woke up screaming and hungry. This went on until 4am when I finally broke down hysterically crying and my husband took him and fed him formula which he gulped down in seconds then passed out for 4 hours. I was devastated. Devastated that I clearly just starved my son and that I didn’t do what he needed from me most which brings in a lot of guilt.

Day four: we go see a lactation consultant and she said my colostrum isn’t enough for him and to supplement until my milk comes in. He lost 10% birth weight and needed to come back in a few days.

Day six: follow up with lactation consultant. My milk finally comes in and she gives me three days to come back for a weight check and weighted feed. I feel good at this point thinking that now my milk is in I can give my baby what he needs. He starts to eat my milk but is still taking over an hour to eat but at this point he falls asleep and sleeps for a good few hours. I’m feeling like a giant weight has lifted off my shoulders and the guilt fades now that I can feed my baby.

Day nine: go in for a weighted feed but I screwed up and fed him right before the car ride. He was hysterical and hungry i couldn’t starve him just for a “weighted feed”, so I did what I thought was best. We see the consultant and she’s happy with his weight gain.

From here until our two week check up something changes. His naps are no longer for two to three hours they’re more like an hour. He’s feeding close to two hours. I felt like I couldn’t keep him off my boob but when I googled or spoke to any mom friends it was normal and known as cluster feeding. That he was trying to get my milk to increase so he would have enough as he got older. This cluster feeding started to be all day and night.

Two week check up: his doctor says that his weight is a slow gain but once he hits his birth weight it should sky rocket. His diaper output is perfect. I mention the “cluster feeding” she says it’s normal and should subside soon. He’s still using the nipple shield. I mention to her how he looks yellow and she said his bilirubin levels have decreased since birth he’s fine. I feel good but still questioning why he’s at my breast for so long.

3 weeks old: I scheduled a new lactation consultant because I felt the cluster feeding was too often to be all day every day. He also was still eating 2-3 hours at a time before taking a nap and sometimes he wouldn’t even nap he would sleep at my breast, I would try to move him then he would wake up and want to eat again. This consult was over zoom thanks to covid :( she looked at his latch and I brought up all concerns and she blamed the slow eating on the breast sheild and recommended breast compressions and massage while he’s active on the breast. I did what she said and it seemed to help a little but not much, she just kept pressing trying to get him off the nipple shield.

4 weeks old: I call the doctor because his jaundice isn’t getting better and they argued with me for awhile but because he was slow weight gain they said okay. While we were there he only gained a few oz... doctor said that we had to do another weight check in two weeks. While I was there his bilirubin stayed the same, doctor claimed it was breast milk jaundice and it could take weeks to get out of his system. The levels weren’t harmful but noticeable in his skin and eyes.

5 weeks old: I schedule a different lactation consultant but this time someone who could meet me in person. We do a weighted feed and evaluation. 1 hour prior to the visit he was hysterical so I fed him expressed breast milk via bottle and he had 1oz. While she was there He took in 1.5oz. She said that because he took 1oz prior to the appointment and 1.5oz now he was getting enough and I was producing adequately. She saw a tongue and lip tie and told us to have his pediatrician look at it to be released. She said it could be the reasoning as to why he needs the nipple tie and isnt sucking as efficiently.

6 weeks old: his pediatrician says there are no ties and his suck is fine. We discuss his slow weight gain once again. I express my concern about him eating all day and not napping. Like seriously eating all day. The moment I get up to the moment I go to bed he’s just connected to my boob and not sleeping. He cries every time I unlatch him, I’m barely eating and drinking at this point because I don’t have time to go to the bathroom and I don’t have time to eat or have hands to eat.

7 weeks: I get a second opinion with a pediatric dentist. He says both tongue and lip ties are grade three and we discuss the complications of them. I pay OOP to get them released. He said that it would take time but he should start to eat efficiently.

8 weeks: I’m able to feed him 70/30 with nipple shield and without it. Which is an amazing start from someone that had to use it EVERY time. He still is eating all day and not napping. At this point I’m getting REALLY exhausted. Guilt and frustration fill me every time I feed him. “I wish you could just eat better” “I’m sorry I cant have the nipples that make it easier for you” “is my supply even there?” “Come on baby boy, stay active I know you’re hungry”. We go to his 2 month check up and see a new pediatrician. He states that his weight is in the 9th percentile and has only gained 6oz in 3 weeks. At this point he should be gaining more and he recommends I start supplementing with breast. We also find out that he has a severe dairy allergy which has been causing his rash issues, green mucus poops, bad gas and severe reflux. I need to cut diary out of my diet and buy dairy free formula.

9 weeks: I decide to pump and bottle feed with formula. I’m only pumping 1-2 oz at a time total which CLEARLY shows I don’t have a good milk supply. At this point I can’t get dairy out of my breast milk fast enough for him. His reflux and gas are so bad he’s spitting up half an oz per oz. I’m advices to take a break from breast feeding and just formula feed to heal him.

9 weeks and 6 days: I’ve officially thrown in the towel. I’m so exhausted and it’s taking a huge toll on my mental health. I’m no longer a happy mommy. Yesterday we the first night I didn’t nurse him to sleep. It was heart breaking for me. I feel so much failure, sadness, and guilt. Why couldn’t my breasts provide you what you need. I gave breast feeding my everything. I’ve consumed so many different lactation products, power pumping, kept you at the breast every hour and every day since I had you. My breast milk was causing you so much pain internally and you were so hungry that I couldn’t ever satisfy. I feel so selfish that I carried on this journey when we had issues from the start. I feel inadequate and that I didn’t try harder. Maybe if I weren’t a single mom I’d have more energy to push through and make my breast milk dairy free but you don’t like to be put down ever so it makes pumping so hard. I’m sorry little man, I have it my all. At least this formula will fill you up and won’t give you tummy issues

I’m repeatedly saying “I’m a good mom” today because I don’t feel like one. One day this will be a memory and I don’t want it to be a negative one. Trying to find the good when I’m crushed our breast feeding journey has been a complete failure. But you’re with me now taking a nap on me which was never a thing before. So I’m going to soak in these snuggles.