* PARTY TIME, LADIES !

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Alright, man, here we go. Tough love time. I’ll take it tough, I’ll take it sissy, I’ll take it any way you’re giving it!

                                                 now let’s party  !

❛ why do i feel like we keep having this conversation ? ❜ ❛ i’ll do your job for you,  you take all the personal days you want. ❜ ❛ it’s not like we sit around talking about crime. ❜ ❛ we are on a secret mission. ❜ ❛ this takes family night to a whole new level. ❜ ❛ come on princess,  stop worrying about your manicure. ❜ ❛ go home.  take a long shower.  wash all that noise down the drain. ❜ ❛ the stupid thing is,  i can’t live without her. ❜ ❛ oy,  yoy,  yoy,  what happened ? ❜ ❛ that is not oil,  but you must know that,  right ? ❜ ❛ why don’t you sit down ? ❜ ❛ oh.  you think ‘cause you all have guns that you’re in charge ?  that’s adorable. ❜ ❛ see all this goes away the second you disrespect me. ❜ ❛ so what do you wanna do here ? you wanna make it personal or you wanna keep it professional ? ❜ ❛ i’m sorry.  i tried to call you.  i was trying to text you. ❜ ❛ you have a yarn emergency ? ❜ ❛ no, no  -  he is not a child.  he is not a person.  he is a cat,  who would probably eat your face off if he didn’t have food for,  like,  five minutes. ❜ ❛ we got her this hilarious card that’s like ‘you’re not getting older, you’re just increasing your value!’ ❜ ❛ can i get a margarita ? um,  hold the lime juice and uh,  the triple sec,  and the sour mix.  yeah,  and can you put it in a shot glass and,  uh,  throw it on the birthday girl’s tab ?  thanks ! ❜ ❛ i’m not gonna have sex with you. ❜ ❛ yeah,  i know for some reason all this seems to scream that i’m real down to party,  but i’m actually just a regular person who’s trying to get real drunk.  i’ve had a week. ❜ ❛ won’t even let you drop a deuce on company time. ❜ ❛ just imagine,  if you will.  rounding up the saddest little losers on the entire planet.  perverts,  knuckle-draggers,  and rapists.  that is who they hire,  every time,  without fail. ❜ ❛ you’ve really got a whole  ‘i’ve thrown away everything in my life’  vibe. ❜ ❛ i really hate the way you’re speaking to me right now. ❜ ❛ how has it never occurred to you that what you’re doing is gonna come back and bite us in the ass ? ❜ ❛ we’ve gotta stop this guy. ❜ ❛ what do you think this is,  huh ?  some kind of hobby ? ❜ ❛ if you mess up at that,  you go to jail,  or you die. ❜ ❛ your traveling game is on point.  you’ve got your friends,  gummy bears,  what more do you need ? ❜ ❛ i’m really trying to give you your space but,  um,  gotta be honest,  it’s kind of killing me. ❜ ❛ if you’re just gonna torture me for the next six months,  i really think it’s better for both of us if i just cut my losses and move on ❜ ❛ for one,  you’ve got a great attitude,  and i feel like we could really use that school spirit around here. ❜ ❛ i just feel like i would have a lot less fun if you’re not here. ❜ ❛ why are you being so cool ? ❜ ❛ i do have one question,  though  -  what do you want ? ❜ ❛ this violates so many codes.  hr,  health,  morality.  and just common decency. ❜ ❛ i’m as low as it gets.  i’m disgusting.  i’m sewage.  you know how they drain it for fertilizer or whatever ?  i’m what they can’t use.  i’m the sewage so rancid they have to bury it a hundred miles in the earth and hope that nobody ever finds it  -  i’m that garbage. ❜ ❛ please,  just say something. ❜ ❛ but you thought about it.  i would never even think about it. ❜ ❛ i think i’m gonna have to teach you how to dirty talk because this  -  it’s not doing it for me. ❜ ❛ the more you know,  the less you’re gonna like,  okay ?  just trust me. ❜ ❛ i failed.  like capital F failed.  with flying colors. ❜ ❛ you gotta keep your head,  man. ❜ ❛ you can’t solve every problem by shooting someone in the face. ❜ ❛ the next time they come knocking  -  and they will,  ‘cause they know where you live,  and they know what you do  -  they’re just gonna want a cut of the action. ❜ ❛ they’re just gonna keep taking,  and taking,  until you’ve got nothing left. ❜ ❛ after she gave you a certain wedding ring that turned into two nights at the bellagio. ❜ ❛ we’ve known her for like ten thousand years,  you don’t just throw that away for almost. ❜ ❛ where are you going ?  you look like a cat burglar. ❜ ❛ she won’t let me call him,  she’s just pooping and screaming. ❜ ❛ you know what,  your vagina’s probably like way more destroyed than mine. ❜ ❛ hey,  you can do this,  okay ? ❜ ❛ hey,  what are you still doing here ? ❜ ❛ are you in love with your ex ? ❜ ❛ so,  do i even have a shot here ? ❜ ❛ so what,  you want me to carry you out like costner in the bodyguard ? ❜ ❛ again,  you are mad at me for something i did not do. ❜ ❛ i would choose you every time. ❜ ❛ honestly this whole thing makes me want to puke. ❜

                                                 now let’s party  !

“Tough? Listen, I grew up in five states, two countries, fourteen different homes, eight fathers, three care homes, two correctional facilities, one beautiful, damaged flower of a mother, I’ve served time, my country, your country and myself. I’ve committed every mortal sin, I’ve loved, hated and searched for meaning, and do you find me saying things were tough? Do you? Listen, kid, if you take one thing away from me, it is that self-mythologizing and self-pity are for the weak. You got me?”

BRUH