MedeMedeMed.

It's weird, isn't it. I matched into my dream program, this is what I've worked for basically all my life. I spent the first two weeks not being totally comfortable in this new skin though; not knowing how to stand, how to speak, what hat to wear. I was slowly shedding my past skin to become a new version of my resident self, while navigating a completely new environment, new people, new systems, new everything. And than I had to abruptly take myself away from that, and spend ten days at home, with absolutely nothing to do. I wanted to be productive, trust me. There were so many things I could've done; I could've studied, painted, written a new song, decluttered my digital space, unpacked that box of decor that's still sitting in my closet... but instead I went for the road with least resistance, the one needing the least energy, and I binged watched movies and TV shows (and read two books!). And part of me is mad at myself for that. But the other part just doesn't care.

It's a bizarre feeling, to feel so unmotivated in this new chapter of my life. I had felt some sort of senioritis hit me back in June, as I was finishing the last chapter, but I feel like it has never left? I still feel unmotivated, lethargic, like I don't belong anywhere. I'm not sure I feel quite at home in this new apartment yet, despite having spent 100% of my time between these four walls in the past few days. I feel lonely, but I also don't want to be social. I feel sad, and it's starting to become comfortable. It's an uneasy mess of emotions, and I don't know why it's happening.

That's a lie. Rationally, I know what it is. It's a lot of adjustment disorder peeking through. It's a lot of new things in very little time. It's also majorly imposter syndrome, hitting me right in the face with all the new responsibilities I've gained on July 1st. And just as I was adapting, I was thrown out into isolation, and I went into complete inertia. And the less you do, the less you want to do. Ain't that how it works? Rationally, I also know that motivation doesn't drive action; action drives motivation. I know that comes tomorrow, once I'll be forced to go to work, to see people, to get back into the role I was learning, the cogwheel will start spinning, and the engine will start again. Rationally I know all that. But right now, right before I get there, I feel like wallowing in this mess, and at the same time hope that I'll get out of here asap.

Until tomorrow, I'm gonna let myself be a potato and potate. But tomorrow is a new day, I know it. It has to be.

Hope your Sunday scaries are not this scary.

I'm 100% nostalgic and sad and feeling all sorts of mixed feelings. I feel like I have moved here barely a year ago. Some of my best friends now were still strangers not so long ago. I don't know where time went; I don't know how life has decided that my chapter here was meant to be only three years, but here I am.

Five lessons (+1) I learned from studying for my board exams 💻📚 • 1️⃣ Until you know, you truly don’t even know what you don’t know. 2️⃣ This is probably the moment I’ll know most in my whole life, and I gotta be okay with that. 3️⃣ Studying is a muscle — it doesn’t come easy when you haven’t done it for a while, but the more you do it, the smoother it gets. 4️⃣ Life keeps on going even when you’re studying, and even when you don’t feel like you can, it’s okay that you keep on living too. 5️⃣ After you’re done with the exam, there’s no use focusing on the questions you got wrong — it just discredits all the ones you got right that you’re not thinking about, and discredits all the hard work you’ve put into your studies. ✨Be proud of what you’ve achieved. No matter the result, you did your absolute best and no one and no grade can take that from you. • I am finally done with my board examsssss!!!!!! (Unless I fail my orals but hopefully I won’t haha) I can’t begin to tell you how relieved I feel now, despite the weird unsure feeling you get after an exam. I feel like the whole year since last July, and maybe even the last two years or so have amounted to this, and I don’t quite know how to feel now that I’m on the other side. I have gained so much knowledge in the past months, forgotten a lot of it tbh, but I’ve also learned a lot about studying, and thought it’d be worth it to remind y’all. • Now just waiting on these critical results, and sending good vibes out in the universe, but it’s all out of my hands now. I did everything I could! 🙌🏻

This past week I got sick and it forcibly taught me to slow down. Success is not achieved by running sprints; you’ll only get to the finish line if you jog at a sustainable pace, whatever that may be. And if you need to slow down sometime during that marathon, then so be it, you’ll get there anyway.

Spent Easter weekend at my parents, half being on call and half relaxing, and by relaxing I mean studying, and by studying I mean procrastinating too much in between study sessions. 🙃 • How was your long weekend?

Another week off has gone and passed, and I have no clue what I did and where time went. I’m still grateful I got to rest, spend time with friends and family, got time to do some life admin stuff that I’ve procrastinated for too long. I feel like the older I get, the less exciting time off becomes — or maybe the last two years have made life more mundane — but I’m deciding to focus on the positives and show gratefulness for every little moment! • What are you grateful for right now?

💬 What are your goals for the week? 🙋️ Mine are to finalize my research protocol, to rest, to have a fun night out with friends at the end of the week, and to do as much studying as I can in between all that!

💬 What have you been up to recently? • Had a great time as a senior resident with an amazing team on the GIM floor over the past three weeks. From the med students and junior residents to the attendings, nurses, PT/OT/SW, and pharmacists, everyone played a brilliant part in bringing the best care to our patients. Medicine is all about team work, and to me, that’s one of the best things about it. 👏🏻 • Now on to a week off (woo!) where I’ll rest a lot in between a bit of studying and life admin!

The past few days/weeks have been really tiring, with a lot going on and very little break, and that’s been making me feel burned out recently. I’ve been unmotivated, not creative, a little more cynic, just overall feeling ‘meh’. But I’ve learned over the years to stop and smell the flowers, that after a long winter always comes spring with its growth and rebirth, and I know that this will be transposed in my life too. This too (like the long winter we just had) shall pass. Despite the obstacles ahead, I’m excited to see what this next season of my life brings, and I hope you do too! 🌸