hey take those earbuds out. shows u a really loud picture of a horse

in my Enclosure, performing Behaviors

every time i try to check whats inside eggs stupid goop comes out

crazy how quickly dust accumulates. i should be allowed to put my trinkets on a shelf and not touch them and they remain in perfect condition forever. dont even get me STARTED on the inside of a computer. why do i have to brush your teeth. youre technology.

go, my penis warriors. kill without reason

I rock up to strip poker night wearing a t-shirt with an image of a Russian nesting doll on it. When I lose my first hand, I take it off to reveal I was wearing a second shirt underneath with a smaller but otherwise identical print. After the sixth shirt I am thrown out of strip poker night.

Where I come from, we don’t worry about pulling our cheeks apart to fart. Okay? I’m from Scranton. When I'm farting it's loud. So lets get that straight jack. Pure stank. Ass. Okay? America- Americans are wanting to shart that loud, okay? You go up to someone and say, hey, I gotta rip massively, you gotta start coughing to help me cover up the noise, they’re gonna say C’mon man! get out of here! *audience cheers* that’s right. that’s right. Get the hell out of here! We like sharts! We like ass blasts! Where I come from.

it shouldnt be illegal to kidnap a guy if he looks really sad and you know he would have a better life in captivity