MeAspie

Throughout my life, I've been known to said sarcastic remarks about almost everything . I also known as saying things as they were. No sugar coated words for me. And also....when I get emotional, I would say nasty words that could make a sailor proud. Am I proud of this.. ? Sometimes. Being blunt and sarcastic is my way to show whats on my mind. I don't know any other way. Especially to those who- I personally think - stupid. It bugs me very much when people just don't get simple logic with simple words. But as I grew up, I learn that people doesn't think the same way I do. That I was born different. And that I have to accept the fact that not a lot of people would understand and accepted me. Then came what they called social rules. Rules like "it is not polite to be sarcastic." Or "don't curse or swear it make you looked like uneducated person" True. But I am not like most NT who could sweet-talking all their life but doesn't really mean it. Aspies said what they intended to say. Even if it harsh. We find it difficult to say meaningless words. That's why we chose to keep it for ourselves most of the time. Rather than being misunderstood, it is better keep mum and carry on with life. Maybe that is why most of aspies are very very private person. I for one, is getting tired of being misunderstood. And when I do defend myself, most likely people with say I am stubborn.. What?? Yes we do have detailed perspective and sometimes we need to remind ourselves to take a helicopter's view on the matter. Luckily our brain are designed in such a way that we could use logic and strategies anytime we want. But then again, the problems would appear as soon as we open our mouth. So how to deal with this? I still find a better approach to NT's . To make my voice heard without being mistaken and misunderstood. So here is my first step... I usually rehearsed the words I want to say in my mind. Or asked a friend whether saying this or that are appropriate. I still failed every now and then.. Words that came out still hurts people and I ended up feeling misunderstood. Just don't give up the fight yet... I truly believe, someday we will get our words across. If its not to the universe, at least to the one we love.

Hello Thank's for your questions. Yes I do swing my leg every now and then. The more excited and nervous I get the more gestures I make. I do get anxiety and depressed even more when there's a lot if social interactions. I was diagnosed 4 years ago whe I'm 29. How about you?

Ok, I've did it again. I've burn bridges once again. Please don't take it literally , I'm not a pyromaniac afterall... In my life, I've burn bridges quiet a few times. Before my diagnose, I thought it was just my habit. But the more I read and understand Asperger's, I came to understand why I do the things I do. In the course of our life we will come across situations or people that make us feel threatened, unacceptable, taking granted of, uncomfortable and unloved. Sometimes all we need to do is just duck down and hide. And rise again when we feel better. But there are times when we fully aware that the only sane thing to do, is just to cut all the cords and run. Why? You might asked. Well there are numerous reasons, some do it for revenge, and some for our own's sake. Aspies been dealing with the feeling of uncomfortable, unaccepted, misunderstood almost the whole time. We got to deal with the world while we got to deal with our own difficulties. It is barely easy sometimes! All those negative feelings can result in one thing, Depression, and it is not good. I repeat, it is not good. So what's the quickest way to get away? Yup, burn bridges!! Cut the umbillical cord! Severe all ties! Any regrets? Personally, no. My recent was with this guy I've been seeing for 8 months. We even planned and booked a trip together. But two months before the trip he suddenly got cold feet and said that he didn't see this relationship going anywhere. Well, that I can handle. Feelings changed and there's nothing I can do about it. But what set the fire was, when he said he will go on our trip but with his friend instead, and will be taking the hotel that I've booked from the beginning. And for the cherry on top he said, I am welcome to stay with them but for only a couple of days. It is one thing to loose interest, but it is just heartless when you are taking me for granted. The first thing on my mind was to burning bridges. But here's a tip, do not do that based on anger or emotions. Step aside, take a deep breath, leave emotions at the door, and ask yourself a question. As for me, I asked myself "Do I need this kind of treatment in my life?" So later on that day, with a calm clear head and heart, I delet him from my life. I am fully aware we can not choose who or what will come across our path, but we can choose how to deal with it. We deserve to be surrounded by people who really understand and accept us. Me burning bridges have nothing to do with hate, its all for my own good. I still love him, but I just chose not to be treated that way.

Ok, so it's been awhile since my last blog. Been through a lot and having a pretty hard time finding the words. After the initial heartbreak I try to find ways to recover. But the more I tried the more harder it gets. A fellow Aspies suggested to try meditation. Then I start to look for informations about meditation ( we people with Aspergers LOVE informations ) . There I was, in the corner of my room, sitting comfortably, and trying to breathe. Listening to the air as it comes in and out from my lungs. Slowly my muscle started to relax. It wasn't easy I tell you, as a sensory sensitive as I am, I could hear every slightest sound there is. So I chose to meditate around midnight. The more I give in, the more relax I get. So it dawned to me that I should stop trying to hard. So I stopped. Another thing that help me was mindfulness. Its about how we focusing and enjoying the simple stuff. Shifting the negative energy. I started by enjoying my morning tea. I paid more attention to the warm feeling in my hands, or when the warm tea goes into my throat. Little by little I started to gain confident and enjoying life. My perceptions changed to the better. Then I realise there's a difference between love and dependency. Maybe what make it hard to let go was the dependency feeling. Clinging to what was safe. The hurt is gone now, and I do feel better in some ways. I know it is not always easy for aspies to adapt to changes. But the fact is, sometimes we have to. For our own good. Take baby steps. Stop when you feel overwhelmed. Stop and breathe. Your self deserve to be listened.

One of the words I can live without is Heartbreak. There is no nice way to put it. Your heart been broken, crushed, almost literally. Few days ago I found out the guy I still very much I have feelings to is getting married. We used to date and for some reason things weren’t right for us so I called it off. But secretly I still hope and pray we will patch things up again. So one can only imagine how heartwrenching (again, not my favourite word) it was to hear the news. I quickly go spiralling down to a dark gloomy place. 
Losing love or a person is a big deal for people who have heart. Millions of songs and poems been made based from that. So why is it such a big deal then? If we can find rows of self-help books in Borders , or download it from ebooks. Well, have you find one that is for Aspies? Hmm thought so.
 When we open ourself to others, it means we willingly let them enter our own unique world. That’s been said, to let our guard down and let your partner see the whole you, warts and all. Trust is a must to form a bond. Otherwise it will only hurt both parts. So when the bond is breaking, the world you carefully arrange will breaks into little pieces. 
 When we broke up, I knew things are changing. Although I don’t like changes, but I embraced it thinking I can handle this, and we will get back together. That is one hope that keep me thinking I still have a bond with him. But then he started seeing someone, and all of the sudden they are engaged. Suddenly I feel everything is snowballing right in front of me, my world shifting and everything’s a blur. As I write this, I confess I haven’t sleep nor eat at least for the last 20 hours. This is raw for me and I am forcing myself to deal with my pain and sorrow.
 Most of Aspies, once they have a bond with someone, would most likely to hold on to it tightly. We like things that are solid, and dependable. We like things that we know well. But this world we live in, well sometimes things can go topsy turvy in matter of seconds. We have to deal when things are beyond our control. It is ok to grieve, crying your heart out. All those feelings of rejections deserve some way out. 
 Now I feel helpless and pain, what hurts me the most is the feeling that I lost him forever and I can’t do anything about it.My world’s changing and I feel like sliding further down. Do I plan this? No. Do I have to deal with this? Yes. 
 No matter how hard it is to wake up in the morning with a raw sense of loss, I try to take one step at a time. Wake up, get up, go to the bathroom…you get the idea. All of this helps me to take a small grip to reality that not everything’s change. Still have some of my routines there. Still safe. 
 We Aspies tend to shut ourselves out from the world (oh yes I am still in that phase ) but please, by all means, force yourself to call for help. Talk to friends that really understand you. I did it after three days wallowing in sadness, and I regret that I didn’t do it sooner. It take some chunks of sorrow and I did laughed today.
 Well this is as far as I can be this time, I am still finding ways to deal. But I will write as soon as I found more ways and steps. But you know what, apparently I started to feel a little hungry, so I guess I am on the right path

Even a cat find text book is boring

Even a cat find text book is boring

I have deal with rejections all my life. I remember I always get picked the last in kindergaten, or when other kids go out and play, I get left out alone in class playing with an old-school play-doh. Elementary school wasn't easy for me either, I only have one good friend that last for four years before she move to another city. After that I was almost always alone. I didn't know what went wrong. But no matter how hard I tried, those kids just don't accept me. I thought at first maybe they just being immature and it will change once we are in junior high school. Wrong! I get bullied in junior high. Looking back now, I do not blame those bullies for treating me that way. I realize that being different only mean one thing to them "Different is not normal, therefore...." But being bullied , rejected, shut down from the society ( at school or social peers ) has teach me to be more resilient. No matter what, I always found myself getting back up again ( eventhough sometimes I just want to stay there in the mud and play dead so nobody would bother me) When I was diagnosed, it was not all becoming rosy and bloom in an instant. Even my (then) husband said "You just made it all up you drama queen" errr..... What? When you don't get the right kind of support from the people around you, there are two thing in mind either you cave in or you support yourself. I chose the later. After my divorce, I was seeing this guy who didn't even believe that Asperger exist! I start to question myself was I'm addicted to rejections? Or maybe I was so low in my self-esteem I let people walk all over me? Don't get me wrong, being resilient does not mean I can tackle the feeling of rejections easily. It is still raw. It makes you want to crawl to the ground and dissapear. Everytime. Resilient means after you fall to the ground you learn to dust yourself up and get up again. People change, they learn. Some for the good and some just grow worse. We will never know who we'll meet. You will still get rejections just because you are different, but this you have to remember, never reject being who you are. You owe it to yourself.