Meadow

You’ve been walking the length of your new room, arms out to the sides trying to get comfortable with the extra weight on your head. Hoping if you keep practicing you’ll look more natural with it on. But as minutes turned into hours you don’t feel any better about it. You feel if anything more unnatural. How are you going to be a princess? Better yet how are you going to be queen one day? You’ve only ever known how to serve others, how are you going to let the people you grew up with serve you now? Everything felt so… different.

You sigh yanking the tiara off your head and look at it. God you feel like a imposter. You feel like you’re playing dress up. You shuffle your bare feet across the room and sit on the edge of the ridiculously cloud like bed. You wish you could see James. Just talk to him. But tradition has it the bride and groom aren’t to see each other before the wedding. You wondered if he was feeling as anxious and stressed as you were. Was he pacing his room? Was he missing you as much as you missed him? Gosh you just wanted to hold him. You just wanted him to tell you he loved you and everything is ok.

But no, the cruel joke of this whole situation is that he’s right across the hall and you’re supposed to stay here. Alone. With your thoughts. You’re supposed to be getting “beauty sleep for your big day tomorrow!” As Becca and Miriam so excitedly put it before leaving you for the night. You sigh heavily flopping down back on your bed.

You lay there staring up at the ceiling, fingers twisting into the night gown you wear. Thinking of everything that’ll happen tomorrow. But most of all, you’re going to marry your best friend. Someone you’ve loved since you could pronounce the word properly, And he loves you and is marrying you. You’re going to be husband and wife.

So screw it. Sitting up with a huff you mutter “screw tradition, he’s going to be my husband anyways” you all but stomp over to your door. Grabbing the handle and taking a deep breath before swinging it open. But to your surprise, said soon to be husband is already there. And looks quite as shocked as you are. “Oh” you gasp out. He’s in nothing but his under shirt and trousers, hair looking slightly tousled. He was mid pace before you had swung open the door, now he stands there with his mouth half open.

“I um.. I couldn’t sleep” he says quietly, straighten his stance. You nod slightly, hand still on the door handle “I couldn’t either” you say softly. He nods and offers a small smile. Silence soon fills the hall as you both stand there unsure of where to go from here. You swallow before stepping aside slightly “w-would you like to come in?” You ask softly. He huffs out a laugh and scratches the back of his neck “I don’t believe that would be the proper thing to do”. You smile at him tilting your head “when has any we’ve ever done been proper?” You ask and he rubs his hands together, his tongue darting out quickly to wet his bottom lip before nodding and stepping towards you “I suppose you are right”.

He steps into your room and you shut the door behind you and turn to watch him as he looks around the space. His eyes fall to the tiara that lays on your bed, he walks over and picks it up “trying it on?” He asks turning it over in his hand before facing you. You give a slight nod taking a few steps towards him “thought I’d uh practice, but it turns out gravity is not on my side with it” you say with a small smile. He chuckles “yes it does take some getting use to” he says softly before placing it back on the edge of the bed.

“Do uh, do you like the room?” He asks shifting on his feet as his hands clasp behind his back. “Oh um yes.. it is rather big though for one person” you admit, he nods and sucks on his teeth glancing around again “I suppose you have a point”. You hum in response and look down at your feet. “I um I did want to give you something. It was left behind in your.. in your old room” he says as he reaches into his pocket pulling out a small chain.

“Miriam brought it to me, though I don’t know why she wouldn’t have just given it to you herself” he holds out the necklace to you and you gently take it from him. “Oh.. thank you I guess with everything I forgot it” you say quietly looking down at the small sapphire. “Was it your mother’s?” He asks, his eyes locked on you as you gaze at it. You nod and look up at him with a sad smile “yes, yes it was”, he nods towards you and points at the necklace “may i?” He asks and you furrow your brows at him before realizing “oh um sure” you say handing him the necklace and turning around.

Gently he unclasps it and brings it around your neck, with delicate hands he puts it around your neck. Once it’s clasped again he gently fixes the chain before his hands rub down your neck and to your shoulders, resting there. You bring a hand to the small stone and look down at it before turning your head to look at him. He’s closer than you’d thought he’d be “thank you” you say, voice coming out as a whisper. He bites his lower lip and nods, his eyes looking over your face. Slowly his face comes closer to yours his breath fanning over your lips.

You close your eyes slightly as his lips softly graze yours. You smile before whispering “I don’t think this is proper before the wedding”. He smirks and brings one of his hands to your face turning you more towards him. “When has anything we’ve ever done been proper?” He whispers back, his lips ghosting yours as he speaks. Your smile grows as you turn more so you are chest to chest with him. Grabbing his other hand that still rests on your shoulder you take it in yours and hold it “I suppose you are right” you whisper back and he sucks in a breath before pressing his lips onto yours.

It’s slow, and filled with want and longing but it quickly turns into something more heated. He lets go of your hand and brings it up to cup the other side of your face, pulling you more flush against him. Your arms move to wrap around his neck, stretching onto your toes to deepen the kiss. Quickly and without breaking the kiss he removes one of his hands from your face and bends hooking it around your waist “hold on” he mutters against your lips as his lifts you. With a gasp you grip him as you are hoisted up, on instinct your legs wrap around his waist. Your night gown bunching up slightly.

He moves to kiss your neck as he turns and backs up until he is sitting on the edge of your bed, you straddling his lap. Your hands move to his hair combing through it as a soft moan leaves your lips as he places hurried kisses on your pulse point below your ear. He nips at the skin there, the action causing you to gasp and grip his hair tightly drawing a low moan from his chest. He pulls away from your neck and looks into your eyes, you bring your hands to his face resting your forehead on his as you both breathe each other in.

“We should probably stop” he pants, voice now rough. You close your eyes and gently kiss his cheek before pulling back slightly to look at him “ but what if I do not wish to?” You whisper a smile pulling at your lips. “What if I want to know all of you now?” You ask quietly slowly placing a kiss to his lips. He shudders his arms tightening around you, gripping the fabric of your night gown “you don’t know what you do to me… I am trying to be a gentleman” he mumbles against your lips. You move so your mouth is next to his ear “I do not want you to be” you whisper. And that breaks him.

His hands move to grip the back of your head and around your waist before quickly flipping the both of you. You land on your back and he wastes no time in capturing your lips once again. His hand at your waist moves to grip your leg and hooks it around his hip as he scoots you both further up the bed, the tiara clatters to the ground but neither of you care enough to make sure it didn’t break. His hand on your leg travels up higher until it rests on your now exposed thigh. He grips the flesh there and you gasp as your hands move down to the hem of his under shirt, sliding them underneath it and up his abdomen feeling his warm skin under your fingertips.

He shudders as your hands move higher and he pulls away from you to help you remove his shirt, he is beautiful. You trail your hands down his now exposed chest, both of you breathing heavy. He rests his forehead on yours closing his eyes “are you sure?” He asks voice breathless. You nod running one of your hands down his cheek and onto his neck “I want all of you” you whisper pulling him into a kiss. His hand on your thigh moves higher pushing your night gown up around your waist exposing your lower half, he shifts so he can reach down and untie his trousers.

You help him push them off and he looks at you “tell me to stop if it’s too much” he pants lining himself up at your entrance. You nod and suck in a breath at the blunt head pushing slowly into you. It burns, the stretch unfamiliar and invading. Your hands grip his shoulders nails digging into the skin there. He pushes in further and you wince causing him to still “are you alright?” He asks nuzzling his face into your neck. “Y-yes.. don’t stop” you stutter placing a light peck on his shoulder.

He pushes until his hips are flush with yours groaning into your neck holding you tightly. You both stay like that for a few moments, wrapped in each other. Eventually James slowly starts to pull back before pushing in again. You shudder at the friction and he places a kiss to the corner of your mouth. You bring your other leg to hook around his other hip, the angle opening you up more making it so he can go deeper. Slowly his pace picks up and the pain you feel dulls slightly, it starts to become more enjoyable.

One particularly deep thrust draws a surprising moan from your lips, your head titling back at the sudden pleasure you found in it. James brings his lips to your neck peppering kisses there and down to your collar bone, his chin drags down the neckline of your nightgown as he kisses lower. With new confidence that would’ve shocked you in any other situation you manage to shift your weight and roll you both over. You straddle his hips, hands rested on his bare chest as you settle into the new position.

Moaning at the feeling of him seemingly feeling deeper within you now, he sits up with you grabbing the hem of your nightgown and pulling it up and over your body “so beautiful” he moans cupping one of your breasts bringing his face closer to it and placing opened mouth kisses. You gasp and rock your hips moving your hands to his shoulders for more support. He bites gently on the soft flesh near your nipple before taking it into his mouth and sucking, you moan rather loudly at the action and pick up your pace rocking into him harder.

His free hand wraps around your naked waist and pulls you flush against his chest. Lifting his head he captures your lips in a sloppy kiss moaning into your mouth as his own hips buck up to meet your movements. You move a hand to his hair tangling it in there and pulling “fuck” he groans thrusting up into you roughly. He pulls his face back slightly moving his hand from your breast to your cheek placing his forehead against yours, you breathes mingling between you both. “I love you” he pants look into your eyes, you place a kiss to his lips and pull back again looking into his eyes “I love you more”

——

3 years later

“Ian come back! You’ll get your trousers all muddy!” You shout watching the small three year old run off towards one of the fountains in the gardens. You shake your head smiling as he slows slightly, now trying to take careful steps to avoid any stray puddles. James chuckles beside you “at least he’s mindful?” He questions and you roll your eyes at him as you walk slowly along the path. “I just don’t want to have to change him again before dinner” you state softly linking your arm in his “you know Miriam has said she doesn’t mind changing his clothes” James states lightly, you nod “I know, but I like doing it. I am his mother” you say and James places a kiss to your temple “you are an amazing mother but help is always nice, especially with how our son loves to adventure and have dirty trousers” he says.

You stop at the fountain your son is currently trying to get into, his small body hanging on the side splashing the water with his finger tips. James gently pulls away from you and goes over to him, he picks him up and dangles him over his shoulder causing the small child to squeal in excitement laughing as his father tickles his sides “stop dada!” He squeals trying to wiggle out of his grasp “stop? Why would I stop?” He questions jokingly. You laugh and walk over to them poking at James’s side “give me my son you monster” you joke grabbing Ian from his father.

You hold him to you tightly and he wraps his arms around your neck nuzzling his face into your shoulder. You gently rub a hand through his brown hair, James gapes at the two of you “my heart” he says dramatically, bringing a hand to his heart “you call me a monster?” He asks jokingly. You smile leaning your head onto your sons “he is just a poor little boy” you say softly, laughing lightly as Ian mutters a “yeah” turning his head and sticking his tongue out towards his father. James shakes his head lightly bitting back a smile.

The three of you continue your walk, eventually you place Ian back down and both you and James grab each of his hands picking him up gently and swinging him as you go, he giggles and squeals kicking his feet as he gets picked up. “Momma what’s that?” He asks as you both place him down again, he takes his small hand out of yours and points. You squint looking towards where he points “Oh, I completely forgot that was there” you say softly and look to James, he looks towards it and smiles “it’s a gazebo” he says looking down at Ian. The small boys face scrunches up as he looks at it more “grazedo?” He says tilting his head looking up at you. You laugh light shaking your head “gazebo sweetheart” you correct softly.

“May I go see it?” He asks softly and you nod “yes but be careful please!” You call after him as he’s already taking off towards it leaving you and James a few feet behind. You both smile and follow the small boy towards the old wooden structure. “You know, we should really ask for someone to fix this up” you say softly, reaching out to touch the old wood of one of the pillars that holds it up, your eyes following Ian as he moves around inside of it. “Should probably just tear it down.. build a new one maybe?” James questions, you nod softly stepping into it and brushing some dirt and leaves off of the bench before sitting. “Perhaps, but then we’d be tearing down memories… and it’d be a nice place for Ian to be able to bring his siblings to.” You say softly looking at James as he leans on the pillar “siblings?” He asks cocking an eyebrow.

You hum softly “yes, I believe in a year or so this one will be running rampant with him” you say smiling placing a hand on your abdomen. It takes him a moment, he just stands there looking at you confused before realization crosses over his features and then shock “y-you mean.. your?” He asks taking a step towards you “about two months along now says the healer” you say nonchalantly and James quickly rushes over to you picking you up and spinning you. You laugh and he sets you down placing a kiss to your lips “yucky dada” the three year old now standing on one of the benches states, James pulls away from you and turns towards him “it’s not yucky, it’s love Ian” he says picking up the small boy and bring him over towards you.

“Love?” He asks looking at his father “yes, love. I love your mother and you very deeply. And now you’ll have a little bother or sister to add to the love” he explains and the boys face scrunches “brother or sister?” He asks look towards you “yes my heart, there’s a baby in my belly. Right here” you point and he smiles “momma ate a baby?” He asks with a laugh and you shake your head as James joins him “no silly, I’ll explain it better when you are older” you say lightly reaching out and brushing some of his hair out of his face. “Can it be a sister?” He asks as you move your hand back to your side. “I hope” James mutters and you eye him before shaking your head “we won’t know what it is until it is born my dear” you explain and Ian nods before wiggling out of James’s grasp again and wondering out of the gazebo.

You call for him not to go far as James pulls you close to him, one of his hands gently coming to your face “I love you, all of you” he says softly rubbing his thumb along your cheek, you smile “we love you more”.

A delicate moment squashed in seconds. Trampled over by the harsh reality you live in. God you are so stupid. So so stupid. You hadn’t slept all night. You tried. You tossed and turned until the sun came up. Until the work bells rung and you were called to assist the princess in getting ready for her horse riding lessons. You got ready on auto pilot, exhausted but your mind unable to slow down. The whole walk to her chambers you felt like you were being watched.

You helped her get ready in silence. well, you were silent she talked about all kinds of things. It wasn’t until you were braiding her hair back that she finally paused and squinted at you through her mirror “what happened?” She asks. You pause staring at her hair in your hands “e-excuse me?” You stutter and slowly started on the braid again. “You are very quiet today. You seem lost in thought. Did.. something happen?” She asks picking at some nonexistent dirt on her nails.

“Oh um… n-no sorry just um” she cuts you off turning in her stool to face you. “You know you can talk with me. what is spoken between us will always stay between just us” she says softly. You offer her a small smile “I’m alright I promise. Just didn’t get alot of sleep” you say and she nods turning forward again. It’s quiet after that and you finish her hair then take a step back. She looks at it gently pulling the braid over her shoulder and running her hand down it.

“You know, I saw James leave the ball last night. He seemed… perturbed. And when he came back he seemed even more so. All after you had left…” she says slowly, you take in a deep breath “I wouldn’t know anything about that.. I stepped out for some air.” You explain “and never came back?” She asks tilting her head and glancing at you through her mirror.

“I- I was feeling.. overwhelmed. It being my first event since my uh my mother passing.” You stutter, she turns to face you again. Her face neutral. “Please don’t lie to me” she shakes her head, voice low. You feel the tears well up, and your chest rises faster now. “Please don’t say anything! it was a mistake” you rush out, taking a step closer to her. Becca’s eyes widen and she turns to fully face you now “so something did happen!” She says her mouth dropping open slightly with a smirk.

“It-um it was- he… he kissed me then I sort of kissed him back then Miriam came in and she told him to leave-“ Becca stands up “you… kissed?” She asks, you stop your rant taking in fast breaths. You nod slowly “b-but it was a mistake! A-and it won’t happen again I promise! Please d-don’t say anything..” you beg a tear slipping down your cheek. Becca calmly walks over to you placing both her hands on your shoulders. Her face is unreadable as her eyes stare directly into your own.

“Do you regret it?” She asks calmly. You shake your head at her trying to steady your breath “I know it was wrong, it was a mistake-“ she cuts you off “no.. I know you said it was a mistake. But do you regret it?” You take in a shaky breath “no…” you say quietly. Becca lets her arms drop back down to her sides and she folds them neatly in front of her before slowly smiling. “W-why are you smiling?” You ask as she takes a step back.

Shaking her head she lets out a small laugh “I knew you two had something more!” She says sounding.. excited? “God I was waiting for this! Can’t believe it was right after his engagement though that’s a little bad timing but-“ cutting her off, eyes wide “wait.. you-you aren’t mad?” You ask, voice still a little shaky but laced with confusion. She just smiles at you “no! Why would I be mad? You think I want Elizabeth as my sister in law? I much rather it be you” you look at her now like she’s grown a second head “m-me?… Becca you know this can’t happen. he’s engaged! And even so to a wealthy and titled woman” she just waves her hand at you “so? Outrageous things have happened before” she says nonchalantly.

You almost scoff at her “Becca I could hang for this!” You say as she walks past you and towards her wardrobe “royals do not kiss and they certainly do not merry servants” you say turning to her again as she pulls out a gown before walking over to you “and again he’s engaged! He could’ve just been feeling- what are you doing?” You stop talking as she holds the dress up to you. Her eyes squinted as she tilts her head “this will look beautiful on you” she mutters “but we’d definitely need to do something about your hair..” “Becca” “maybe some light rouge on the cheeks” “Becca!” She looks at you then “what?”.

“What are you doing?” You ask glancing between the dress she has held up and her. “Oh! I have a plan!” She says with a little smile “our dear lady Elizabeth requested a masquerade ball be thrown in celebration of the engagement. you are going to attend but not as a servant” she explains and walks over to her bed to lay the dress down. “This was going to be my dress but I think it suits you much better” you turn and follow her. Now really looking at the dress. It’s a pale gold color, with intricate lace on the corset. The skirt is layers of glittering fabric that goes down to the floor and it’s has short but flowy sleeves that couldn’t go at most past the middle of your upper arms. It’s gorgeous.

Becca turns and walks over to a drawer in her vanity and pulls out a mask. She walks back over to you and holds it out, gently you grab it turning it over in your hands. It’s gold too, with beautiful lace covering it. The ribbons are soft and a slightly darker shade of gold. “Becca.. I-i can’t..” you stutter, eyes looking between the mask and dress. “Oh hush, trust me when he see you in this he’ll absolutely die!” She says excitedly. You look at her then

“listen.. I appreciate you listening and not calling the guards on me but it shouldn’t have happened and I can’t… merry your brother.” She crosses her arms over her chest “says who?” She asks. You raise a eyebrow at her “umm says every royal marriage known to man?” She just laughs “yes it is the norm for people of our status, but it’s not necessarily a requirement… it’s just… preferred” she shrugs “you know for alliances and what not” you just stare at her, your mouth falling open slightly.

She sighs places a hand on your shoulder “I want this for you and for my brother. He is not happy with her.. you make him happy. I saw it when we were children and I see it now. You understand each other.” She says softly. “Becca.. your father-the King will never allow it” she just shakes her head “don’t worry about him, he’s a tough man but at the end of the day and deep.. deep down wants his children to be happy. We just have to convince him and that’s when my plan comes in”

——

To say you are anxious is the understatement of the century. You are absolutely a shaking, semi sweaty, might throw up mess. Becca brought in Miriam, Jeanie and Yvette to help get you ready. Miriam had some convictions, but Yvette and Jeanie were very excited. They worked fast shoving you in a bath and scrubbing you down, then threw you into a gown that cost more than your entire life. They did your hair and then Becca placed the mask over your eyes, It covering the top part of your face. Looking in the mirror you barely recognize yourself.

“Oh your gorgeous” Jeanie says softly, Miriam nods “she looks like a princess” Yvette and Becca hum in agreement. You stand abruptly “I don’t think I can do this.” You mutter bringing a hand to your now restricted abdomen. “I think I might faint” you pant and turn looking at the four of them. Jeanie steps towards you and brings a gentle hand to your cheek. “Dear, you can do this. We’ll all be there and the princess will be right by your side” she says, Becca nods and Yvette chimes in “yeah we just have to sneak you in there and break up a engagement” everyone turns and looks at her “what? This could get all of us put on a chopping block, we can’t forget how dangerous this is. We are going against the King here” she points out. “I’m going to throw up” you mutter bringing your hand to your mouth.

Becca steps up to you “no, no! You’ll be fine! You all will be. I won’t anything happen to any of you. We just stick with the plan, I’ll walk in with her while Jeanie and Miriam distracts my mother and father, Yvette just has to distract Elizabeth. With any luck she’ll be to busy boasting about the engagement to really notice anything. If anyone asks who she is I’ll say she’s a friend from over seas” Becca explains again. “Yes but we can’t distract them all night. Or keep Elizabeth away from him. It is their engagement ball” Yvette states. “They will notice” she adds.

“Yes! But hopefully after they have had a few dances and everyone else has seen how perfect they are together!” Becca says excitedly “now we need to get me ready fast we don’t have much time!”

——

“Becca… I can’t do this.. this is wrong-“ you pant, struggling to catch your breath. God this corset is tight. “Listen, all will be ok” she takes your hands in hers “you deserve some happiness” she whispers, but the sounds of tonight‘s festivities through the big double doors you both stand in front of continues to crowd your mind. You take a deep breath and she lets go of your hands turning to face the door with you. She nods to the door men and they open it.

Slowly the doors open and reveal dozens upon dozens of masked Lords, ladies, Dukes, Duchess and other high status guests. The room lit by warm golden light. Music plays in the background as guests dance in the middle, while others stand around watching or conversing with each other. It feels like a dream. Becca glances at you and nods smiling before walking through, you follow her taking deep breaths.

Slowly you make it through the crowd, stopping at a table with glasses filled with wine. She takes two and hands one to you which you down half of it “woah ok slow down don’t want you falling over before he sees you” Becca says with a laugh “have you even drank before?” She asks and you shake your head “no but I’ll start tonight” you say taking another gulp of the red liquid.

“Oookay.. I’m going to take this away from you now” she says slowly and grabs the glass from your hand placing it back down on the table “bec- please I’m panicking” she laughs lightly “you’ll be ok, take a breath and help me look for my brother” she says turning towards the sea the masked guests. You glance around fiddling with your fingers as your eyes scan the faces. Eventually you spot him, his crown on top of his head giving him away even with the mask. Elizabeth hangs on his arm, laughing at whatever is being said between them and whoever it is they are talking to.

Becca seems to spot them at that moment too “oh! There!” She exclaims a little too loudly. Right at that moment James looks up and notices her, you watch as he excuses himself from his current conversation and walks over to you both. Leaving Elizabeth there. You notice that’s when Yvette walks up to Elizabeth pulling her attention away. “Becca..” you whine quietly and she hushes you as he approaches. “Sister” he greets glancing towards you then back at his her “who is this?” He asks and you glance down at your hands “oh! This is my friend! She’s visiting for awhile” she states and nudges you. You offer a bow and a quiet “good evening” avoiding his eyes.

He squints he’s eyes at you, but before he can say anything the music changes and it’s a slow song. Becca gasps “oh I love this song! Brother you must dance with my friend! She loves to dance!” She says shoving you towards him. You stumble slightly and glare at her “sister I must return-“ she cuts him off “oh Elizabeth will survive one dance, go!” She snaps waving her hand towards you both.

James looks towards you offering his hand. “Will you join me?” He asks and you look at him then, mouth opens slightly before closing it and giving a hesitant nod, gently placing your hand in his. He closes his hand around yours and guides you to the dance floor. You spare a glance back towards Becca and she gives you a subtle thumbs up with a big smile.

Turning your head forward as James stops, you look around at the other guests who surround you with their partners. James’s hand setting on your waist pulls you back to him. Your head turns and you look up at him as he offers a small smile and you take a deep breath. Placing your hand softly on his shoulder your other is still held in his hand as the music plays and everyone starts to move. Thank god you attended some dance lessons with Becca.

Your eyes continue to wonder around the room as you both move. “How do you know my sister?” He asks, moving his head to try and catch your eyes again. You glance at him and open your mouth before closing it again. Your chest heaves slightly and in your panic you step on his foot. He groans and you gasp letting go of him quickly and taking a step back “I’m so sorry!” You exclaim and his head snaps up to you. You look at him wide eyed and his are almost as big as yours. He quietly says your name, it sounds breathy and in disbelief. You turn to try and make a quick get away but he grabs your arm and pulls you back turning you to face him.

He looks over you, his breath coming out heavily from his mouth “h-how?” He asks quietly his hand hesitantly coming up to your face. He does touch though. “Umm.. Becca- she um” you stutter voice shaky as you quickly look around worried someone is hearing or watching this. Everyone seems to not notice. He places his hand on your face then, gently turning you to look at him. He pulls you close until your chest is touching his. Wrapping his arm around your waist and his other hand grabbing yours once more he begins to dance with you again. You shake slightly as you place your hand back on his shoulder.

He leans his head close to yours “I’ve got you” he whispers in your ear. “Just don’t let go” you whisper back as you move with the others dancing. He holds you tighter and it’s like everyone else disappears. It feels as though it’s just you and him there now. He pulls his head back and locks eyes with you as he leads the dance. The music crescendos and he picks you up with his arm around your waist and spins, your dress skirt flowing around you. You bring your hand on his shoulder to the side of his face and your forehead rests on his and his places you gently back on the floor. The music slowly dies down and the crowd around you clapping breaks the small bubble you found yourselves in.

You step back, dropping your arms to your sides and look around. Some of the guests are glancing at the two of you, whispering to each other. You look towards him with worried eyes. He tries to reach for you but you take another step back and accidentally bump into a lady, you turn quickly to apologize but Becca comes up to you both quickly saying your name “we have to leave” she says grabbing your arm. But James stops her “wait” “James not now!-“ Becca gets cut off by someone behind you clearing their throat. Slowly the three of you turn. “Father… m-mother” Becca says offering a grin. “I was just showing my friend out-“ “throne room. Now. All of you.” He says steadily and you then notice Miriam, Yvette, and Jeanie behind them, heads down. He stalks past you, the crowd clearing for him as the Queen follows, her face unreadable.

——

“What were you thinking?” The King questions. Pacing in front of his throne as the Queen stands next to it and the six of you stand facing them. “You are engaged! And you pull that-that stunt in front of the whole court! And you!” He points to you “I’ve offered you nothing but grace, you and your mother even after-“ “father it wasn’t her idea-“ Becca tries to cut in but he stops he putting his hand up “I know who planned it. I’m not blind. I knew when you two were young how close you were. I thought sending him away would fix the issue. I thought you’d grow out of it.” He grumbles “father-“ “no James!” He shouts cutting him off. The Queen steps in then stopping her husband with a hand on his shoulder.

“My love, breath.” She says softly, he shakes his head. “This is mad!” He shouts looking at her, she nods and looks to you all before softly dismissing Becca, Yvette, Miriam and Jeanie. They all bow and turn to leave. Now just it’s just you, James and the King and Queen. You fiddle with the mask that is now in your hands. James holds his tightly at his side. The Queen speaks lowly with the King “but plans have already been made!” He says a little loudly, you and James catch it. She nods “yes but look at them.” She says softly. He turns away from her and looks to the both of you. He then takes two careful step towards you.

He eyes you up and down, a scowl on his face. “Look at me” he demands and you bring your eyes to his “ your majesty-“ he puts his hand up cutting you off “answer me this. Do you love him? Truly?” he asks and your eyes widen slightly. You feel James shift beside you. “I-“ “it’s a yes or no girl” he snaps “I do, yes. since we where little” You admit quietly, the King huffs out a breath and turns to his son. “And you? What have you to say?” He questions and James doesn’t hesitate “I love her more than anything father.” He admits glancing towards you. “Well then that’s that.” He states looking at you both. He shakes his head and walks out, you both stand there in shock.

As the door to the throne room closes the Queen walks up to you both “mother what does-“ she cuts him off each of her hands grabbing one of yours and James’s “he’s going to handle some things… he has to speak with Elizabeth’s father and then you both will be announced once the time is right” she explains “announced?” You ask breathlessly and she smiles at you dropping your hand and bringing hers to your cheek “yes my dear. It’s custom to announce an engagement.” She states. Your breath catches and you and James look to each other, his breathing uneven. “Now, I’m going to go help with any.. outbursts. You both stay here, I’ll come grab you when it’s clear” she says softly and walks out.

You’re both just staring at each other before a small laugh leaves your chest. “We’re-“ “I know” he says softly, a smile pulling at his lips. Tears well in your eyes just as he quickly scoops you up. Lifting you off the ground as he spins you in a hug. You wrap your arms around his neck and he holds you tightly as he sets you down and pulls back just enough so he can hold your face in his hands “so you’ve loved me since we were little?” He asks jokingly and you roll your eyes at him laughing. He smiles before slowly bringing his face to yours. Your lips touching, pressing together in a searing kiss. A kiss that’s full of warmth and longing. Full of love. Because you love him and he loves you, and now.. you get to have him.

She’s seated next to your mother. Speaking in a quiet tone, holding her hand in her lap. Weakly your mother turns her eyes to you “my heart” she whispers. The Queen looks at you then. Offering a sad smile before she stands, laying your mother’s hand back down by her side. She turns to you and gently places her hand on your shoulder “she’s been asking for you” she says softly, removing her hand and stepping off to the side by the priest. You take quick breaths in. Eyes burning with tears as you take the spot the Queen was previously occupying.

“Momma..” you say weakly. She has dried blood on her lips, and she looks pale. slowly she brings her hand up and you grab it with both of yours. Holding onto it tightly. “It’s alright my heart..” she says softly. You shake your head tears flowing down your face. Sniffling you then your head to the healer “what is happening? Why is she like this?” You ask voice desperate. The healers looks to you with sad eyes “she is very sick. The infection in her lungs has spread” you nod and take a deep breath in “alright then what are you going to do about it then?” You ask and the room gets quiet. You keep looking at her “well!” You shout and your mother weakly squeezes your hand drawing your attention back to her.

“There is nothing more they can do my dear..” she states. You shake your head “no... No there has to be something- you-they have to do something” you stutter, fresh tears falling heavy now. “Come here my heart, let me hold you” your mother says and you let out a small sob. Slowly and carefully crawling into the bed next to her. You lay on your side, putting your arm across her torso and laying your head on her shoulder. You don’t care about the people around you anymore. You close your eyes and bury your face into her shoulder.

She rubs your arm, breath coming and going with harsh wheezes. You feel her chest rattling. “I love you, with all my heart. You have always b-been the best part of my existence” your mother mumbles, a cough follows before she takes a heavy breath in “I-i wish, I could’ve offered you more in this life. But I kn-know, you will become far more than I could’ve ever imagined for you” she turns her head and places a kiss to the crown of your head. “Never forget you are truly something special my dear.” She whispers then turning her head back, she takes in another deep breath before it comes out slowly.

But her chest doesn’t rise again. You wait for a few moments waiting before you slowly bring your head up. Her eyes are closed, and she looks peaceful for the first time in decades. It breaks you. Sitting up you grab her shoulders “mother?” You shake her slightly. “Momma please” you beg, voice broken. “She is gone dear” the priest says softly and you shake your head vigorously “no, no she’s not she can’t be she-“ you sob.

Gently, the Queen steps over to you. Placing a hand on your shoulder “come my dear” she pulls you gently as you sob, helping you stand. She turns you and pulls you into her chest wrapping her arms around you. You wail and hold onto her. Surely ruining her dress with snot and tears but you couldn’t care now, and it seems she doesn’t either. You don’t realize she has slowly started to walk the both of you back into the hall. Signaling for the guards to step into the room. Servants disperse, creating room in the hallway. You glance up and through your tears you see as they take your mother’s body away.

The Queen rubs your shoulders and cheek with her hands. Holding you tight. You haven’t let go of her. You just watch as the guards carefully move through the others standing around. Taking your mother with them. James runs in then. But stops short as they pass him, your mother in their arms. He stares as they walk past before looking up and down the hall to you. To where his mother is holding you. You don’t see her shake her head towards him, giving him a silent “not now” and you don’t see how his heart breaks for you because your too busy feeling yours shatter in your own chest.

——

You didn’t sleep that night. You kept your candles lit and sat on the chair in the corner of your room. Staring at the bed. You haven’t touched it since they took her away. When the sun came up Miriam stopped by to let you know she and Jeanie would take care of your chores and duties for the day. You didn’t respond, just stared at the bed. Another servant whose name you didn’t know, a younger girl had come to bring you lunch, you didn’t eat it. When night began to fall once more Jeanie came and tried to get you to move. Offering to change the bedding. Your head snaps at her when she went to grab the wool blanket that laid on top “don’t.” You had said. Voice hoarse but finite.

The next day, later in the afternoon Miriam came and told you of the burial plans. You got up then and she helped you get ready for it. You never said a word. What was there to say? You lost the one person you cared for most. What is there to say after that? You have nothing now.

The funeral was small and quick. A few servants who knew her, the priest and you. They buried her in the part of the castles cemetery where all the servants go to be buried when they pass. A cross stuck in the ground the only thing to mark it. After, everyone went to the kitchens for a drink and to talk of memories. You didn’t go, you stayed by the grave. Not moving from where you stood at the foot of it. you didn’t move when the sun started to set and Miriam had come out begging you to come inside. You just stood there. Silent and motionless.

You don’t know for how long you have been there but night had fallen some time ago, you still stayed. Just standing and staring at the soil. Like maybe if you stood long enough, or were quiet enough. She’d come back, or you’d hear her voice again. Just once. You did realize someone else had joined you until a delicate hand placed a small bouquet of daisies upon the mound. You look up then. “She was always fond of daisies” the queens soft voice rings through the silent night air. You just look at her, you know it’s wrong. But what else do you have to lose?

She looks at you too, eyes scanning over your face. She knows you haven’t slept or ate since they took her away. Having asked Miriam and Jeanie to keep an eye on you. They had giving her updates on your condition and have expressed their concerns for you. She moves to stand next to you now, hand clasped delicately in front of her. “You know, your mother and I… we were close once” she says, you blink at her and she continues, staring at the cross in the ground. “Before I was betrothed to the king, I was a living with my father lord Hubbard. Your mother was my ladies maid and your father was working on his rank in the kings guard. Your parents are how I came to know the king” she tells, releasing a sigh. “If it wasn’t for them I never would have married him” she adds.

You swallow hard, “why are you tell me this?” You ask. Voice small and weak. “Because, during all that time. We had confided in each other. We shared our hopes a dreams with each other. Not only for ourselves but for our children. She would not want you to mourn her like this” she turns to you then “I was there, when you were born. I had just had Rebecca a few months prior and your father had- was gone by then. She was alone and heart broken in that small cabin in the village. But she knew she had to bring you into this world. And my did you come in screaming like a banshee” she gives a small laugh “I was amazed at her strength, she just.. picked you right up and brought you to her breast. I didn’t get that with James or Rebecca. But seeing it was beautiful” she takes in a small breath.

“I had offered her that day to come to the castle, that I’d convince the king to let you both stay but she insisted she didn’t need the help… Not until you got sick. She came at night with you in her arms. You were so small, so fragile. Only three years of age. I snuck you both in and convinced the healer to help you and keep you both hidden while I went to the king. I finally convinced him that having you both here would be a show of mercy given the treason of your father.” She brings a hand to your shoulder “I promised your mother I’d always do what was in my power to protect you. Even if she were to pass before me. I plan on keeping that promise.” She reaches into her small pocket hidden in her dress and pulls out a small necklace. Removing her hand from your shoulder she grabs the back of yours gently and lifts it, placing the necklace in your palm and closing it.

“She gave me this before she passed. It was your great grandmothers that your father had given to her on their wedding night. As you know servants aren’t allowed to keep things like this but.. I allowed her too and she made me promise to give it to you.” She lets go of your hand and takes and step back, “you are stronger than you know” she says softly before turning and walking away. You watch as she leaves and once she disappears closer to the castle you look down at your palm. Opening your hand slowly you see It’s a small, round sapphire. Lined with sliver. The chain is delicate and also sliver. Your eyes fill with tears as your other hand gently touches the small stone.

You never met your father, but your mother told you stories about him. You use to dream about him one day just reappearing and storming the castle to save you both. You dreamed that he would pick you up and hold you. Never letting go. You wished a many times someone would come and save you and your mother. To take you away from here and live a happy life on a farm or some beautiful village where you’d be free. It never happened, just a child’s imagination. A dream.

You look at the cross again. Tears falling down your cheeks. “I’m going to make you proud mother. I love you” you say quietly. A sad but determined promise. You place the necklace in your pocket and walk away then. You move your stiff legs, dragging yourself back into the castle. It’s quiet in the halls. Most already in bed for the night besides the guards on night shift. You make it down to the servants quarters and it’s just as quiet. Stopping in front of your door you hesitate. Taking a deep breath you open the door and step in.

You gasp when you see James sitting in the chair in the corner, he looks like he hasn’t slept either. You just look at him for a moment before peaking back out into the hall and closing your door behind you. “You shouldn’t be here” you say quietly, disregarding him as you remove your cloak and hang it on the hook by the door, your back to him. “I just.. I wanted to check on you.” He admits softly. You shake your head and lean it on the post by the door “I can’t do this…” you mutter, more towards yourself but James hears anyways and he stands. “I’m not- I don’t want to make this harder for you.. but I’ve just been worrying about you” he says and you turn then. “Well. You’ve checked in. I am fine. You can leave now.” You snap.

“Don’t do that..” he mutters “do what? Ask you to leave? I’m sorry your highness. Please. make yourself comfortable.” you say mocking a cheery tone. He says your name “don’t” he mutters lowly “would you like me to go fetch you something?” You ask tilting your head “stop it.” He grits his teeth “how about some tea? Or bread if you’re hungry? OH! I know how about lady Elizabeth-“ “STOP IT” he shouts “why? Why should I! It’s what I’m here for aren’t I? To server you, your sister. The whole damn royal family” you snap. He stalks up to you then chest heaving. You glare up at him. Your own breath unsteady.

He does something you don’t expect from him next. He grabs you and pulls you into his chest. Holding you tightly. A hug. It’s almost crushing. Your stunned. But you quickly try to push away from him. He doesn’t let you, holding onto you. “Let me go” you snap teeth gritted. He doesn’t answer or move. You put your arms on his chest pushing harder “stop it James” you say, voice starting to waver. He still doesn’t move. You get frustrated and hit his chest then. Just once at first. Then again as fresh tears start to well in your eyes. You manage to wiggle somewhat free and push him hard “stop it! Stop it! Go away!” You shout hitting him, his hands move to your upper arms as you continue to hit and shove him. Tears trailing down your cheeks. “Get out! I don’t want you here! I hate you! I hate you!” You sob, your hits getting weaker.

You grip his forearms and you being to fall. Exhaustion taking over your body and your legs now feeling weak. He catches you, picking you up. One arm moving behind your back and the other goes behind your legs as he hoists you up. He moves to sit on the edge of your bed. Holding you in his lap. Your face in his neck as you sob. You dig your hand into his shirt gripping it like a life line. He just hushes you gently. Bringing the hand that was behind your legs to your cheek and resting his head on yours. Holding you close. Letting you cry. Being with you. You know this isn’t right. You know if caught you’d get reprimanded. You know this is selfish but for so long you’ve wanted to be held by him again. You should be mad at him. But the sadness is bigger than your anger.

So you hold onto him, and he holds onto you. Rocking you softly in his lap. Caressing your face with a gentleness you’ve only known your mother to show you. Letting you sob into his neck. Because in this moment you are not a servant and he is not a prince. You are just two kids. Who need someone to hold onto.

——

You don’t know when, but eventually you succumbed to your exhaustion. Falling into a deep dreamless sleep. You woke a few hours later, now laying down in bed. Covers pulled over you. Rubbing your sore eyes you look to the side of you. He stayed. He lays next to you. Snoring lightly, laying on top of your covers one arm behind his head and the other close to where you lay. Some would say dangerously close. Scandalously close. Like he was reaching out for you in his sleep.

Glancing towards your curtain covered window, you notice no light is shining through it. Must still be night time, or at least early morning. You sit up carefully, attempting to stretch your sore and exhausted body. James besides you begins to stir, you look at him. Watching as his eyes flutter open and he squints at you “is it morning?” He asks, voice rough from sleep. You turn away from him looking at your hands in your lap “not sure, suns not out yet so maybe soon” you say softly. He groans and sits up, “are you alright?” He asks and you give a sad laugh “no… but I will be” you offer weakly, attempting a small smile as you turn to face him.

You just sit there together for awhile. Letting the silence and the events from only hours ago settle around you. “I-I’m sorry.. for hitting you.” You say quietly. He shakes his head “it’s fine. I get it. I would hate me too” “I don’t hate you..” you cut him off. “I did. For awhile after you left. You hurt me, you were one of if not my only friend in this place and you just… threw me away and then left” you admit. He sighs rubbing a hand down his face. “I was.. angry. Not at you but my father. I didn’t want to go. But he insisted, demanded it. I knew no matter what I did you’d be upset so I thought if you hated me it’d make it easier for you to forget me” you just look at him.

“I never wanted to hurt you… or to confuse you. I guess a small part of me hoped when I came back things would just be.. normal again. Like how they were when we were younger. But then my father told me about the courting and-“ he sucks in a breath “I knew.. eventually I’d have to wed but I just thought I’d have more time.. and then I saw you again and I-“ he looks you in the eyes. Biting the inside of his cheek and you shake your head at him “don’t” you say quietly “d-don’t say… we can’t” you conclude sadly.

He nods, his tongue digging into the back of his teeth. “I wish things were different” he says quietly, voice at a whisper. You give a sad smile “I do too… but this c-can’t happen again.. it’s to dangerous. For both of us” you state and he blinks hard nodding in agreement “I know”.

That morning, James had snuck out before anyone outside started moving about. You felt strangely.. lighter in a way. You allowed yourself to rest for a few moments longer. Not sleeping but closing your eyes and letting the days past events sink in. You cannot wallow in it. You cannot allow yourself too or it’ll drown you. So you get up. Change your clothes. Fix your hair into its normal bun.

You turn and stare at the bed and with a shaky breath you begin to remove the covers and the thin sheet. Balling them up and carrying them out and to the laundry hall. It’s empty in there, still too early for the regular laundry washers to be up and working. You fill a basin with water from the laundries water spout, grabbing soap and a wash board you, you set them by the basin and grab one of the covers, holding it to you.

Breathing in the faint sent of your mother still on it. Of James on it. Closing your eyes you stand there for a moment before plunging it into the water. Getting it wet and then grabbing the wash board and soap you begin to clean it. Washing away the last piece of your mother. Letting her go. Letting James go. You have too, you know this. You have to let them both go or you won’t survive.

——

Days past, and slowly you start to feel a calm again in your day to day life. You do your duties and chores, you eat, sleep and bathe. You begin to talk with Miriam more and offer to help Jeanie with the mending often. Tonight you are even taking Jeanie’s post at the ball. You know what it’s for. To announce the engagement of prince James to lady Elizabeth. You’d be lying if you said a small part of you broke at the news. But you hope being there would help you with letting him go.

You know some would call this unnecessary torture. But you need this. You need to see it. To hear it. To let it be real for you. So you help set up the tables, assist in hanging decorations. You even help the cook with kneading dough for the pastries. Now you stand, in a dimly lit corner of the ballroom, waiting for someone to need something. James hasn’t seen that you are here. Not that you’d expect him to. He’s busy dancing with his soon to be announced fiancé. They seemed.. happy.

Eventually, the king at the high table stands. Clinking his knife against his glass. Everyone goes silent. You take a deep breath, shaking slightly. “As most of you know, or have seen. Over the past few weeks my son and lady Elizabeth have been spending time together.. courting each other…” just say it already. “And it is with great pleasure to announce their happy engagement!” There it is. You look to them then. Surrounded by people cheering and clapping for them. They both smile and she links her arm into his leaning into him.

You feel it then. The heart break. But it’s not like how it felt when mother passed. This feels very different. This feeling like pain you’ve never felt before. You don’t realize the tears filling your eyes as you stare at them. Not until by chance, James looks up right at you. You look back at him for a moment before looking down. Trying to catch your breath you hadn’t realized was trying to run away from you.

Once the king takes his seat again, everyone starts to go back to what they were doing before, some moving to go and congratulate the new couple. You take this opportunity where everyone is to consumed with the news to quickly but silently slip out. Needing to breathe. Needing to get out of that room. To get away from him. This was a stupid idea. You shouldn’t have come. What were you thinking?

You walk quickly down the empty hallway, the sounds of the balls festivities slowly starting to fade behind you. You continue to take deep breaths, trying to calm your racing heart and hopefully keep back the unshed tears pushing against your eyes. You knew this was coming. You always did. So why does it hurt so much? Why does it feel like you’re losing him when you never had him to begin with?

Behind you the door to the ballroom opens and closes with a bang, you pay it no mind. Probably just a guest leaving. You continue to walk, and before you even realize it you’re at your bedroom door. You push the door open but before you can close it a hand stops it. James slips in and slams it shut behind him. You stare at him wide eyed. His chest is heaving. Breathing loud like he had been running. He just looks at you. Like he’s fighting an internal battle.

He’s shaking, hands clenching and then releasing by his sides. You shift on your feet, “you should get-“ “shut up” he mumbles and then he move quickly. Grabbing your face with both his hands and pulling you to him, his lips crashing onto yours. You gasp into it. Hands instinctively reaching up to grip the sleeves of his coat. You pull back quickly, eyes wide and looking at him. Your both breathless, foreheads now rest against each other you lick your lips before slowly moving in again. Delicately your lips press against his again, hesitant and unsure.

“Hey, are you- oh my god!” You pull away, practically shoving James in the process and taking a large step back. It was Miriam. She looks at you both for a moment shock on her face, you are staring at her breath quickening. James turns, his hand coming up to pinch the bridge of his nose. Miriam steps in slowly and shuts the door behind her, sucking in a heavy breath and pointing at you “this didn’t happen” she states lowly, and James looks at her then “I didn’t see this, you weren’t here” she points to James who mumbles a “fuck” under his breath. “Go back to your fiancé, now. Say you went for some air, or to find the nearest chamber pot. I don’t care. But you need to leave” she states looking James in the eye.

He looks to you quickly before walking out in a rush, he shuts the door behind him and you bring a hand to your mouth “oh my god” you mutter. “Oh my god!” You repeat a little louder and shuffle back until the back of your knees hit your bed and you fall onto it in a seated position. Miriam stalks up to you and grips your shoulders “this didn’t Happen you hear me? You came back to your room overwhelmed still from your mother’s passing and needed a break” she explained trying to meet your wondering eyes as you shake.

“I-I didn’t… it wasn’t what-“ you stutter trying to think of anything to say but Miriam just grabs your chin and forces you to look at her. “I don’t care. It didn’t happen. You will stay here for the rest of the night. got it?” You can only nod, she sighs heavily and backs up from you “god” she mumbles placing her hands on her hips. “I’m sorry” you say quietly “don’t apologize to me. Just hope no one else saw him come here.” She says pointedly. “Stay. Here.” She states again harshly before walking out. Shit.

“Mother, please you’ve been dealing with this for weeks..” you beg kneeling down by her side of the bed grabbing her hand. “Please let me just go speak with the healer again” you ask. She closes her eyes leaning her head back before opening them again and looking at you “y-you worry to much my heart. I am fine, pl-please go. Before you are late for your duties” she huffs out, breaths uneven. You shake your head, face full of concern. But you listen to her and leave. Making sure to speak with Jeanie on the way out who offers to check in on her for you while you work.

It’s been weeks now, what started off as a cold long before the prince had arrived back has turned into a lung rattling cough that just won’t go away. The teas no longer work and you hear the gravely sound in her chest when she breathes. She should’ve been resting more long before now. But your mother is nothing if not stubborn. She’s been working all the events recently. After the princes welcome home ball she had insisted on working the events that came after. The long nights finally catching up to her have now caused her to be stuck in bed for the past two days.

A small part of you wondered if she had taken the shifts because of you. Because all the events recently were for him. Were to find a bride. Had she been taking them so you didn’t have to see? It broke your heart to imagine she had been pushing herself so much just to protect you. Shaking your head, trying to push the thoughts away you make your way outside heading for the stables.

Pulling open the rickety door you grab the bucket next to it and fill it with grain, heading back out to the rather large pasture on the other side of the stable to the trough, dumping the grain into it. Walking back to the stable you pull open the large doors on the side closets to the pasture. Propping the open and stepping in you pull open the gates to the four horses stalls, clicking your tongue calling for them to follow you out. Three follow, but one is missing. Alpine. James’s horse. You walk back inside the now empty stable and to alpines stall. She’s not there. James must’ve taken her out. It’s awfully late for a ride.

You brush it off and head back to the pasture. The other three horses now eating you grab two other buckets and head for the well. Sun beating down on your back you trek the few feet it takes to get to the water pump. It sits atop of a hill that leads down to the lake. Absentmindedly you set the buckets down, one placed underneath the spout and grab the handle of the pump. Giving it a few pulls the water eventually spurts out. Your minding your own business. lost in thought full of worry for your mother, and going through your mental checklist of everything you have to get done today. You don’t notice two bodies down by the lakes. Not until you hear a giggle.

Looking up you squint glancing down towards the sound. It’s James, but he isn’t alone. He is walking with someone. A lady. Looking harder to make out who. Lady Elizabeth. They walk side by side. Alpine getting pulled by her reins on the other side of James. They are talking… and laughing. And coming this way. Shit.

Abandoning the buckets, you quickly beeline it for the large tree that also sits on top of the hill. Hiding on the side they won’t see you from. You press yourself against it as their voices start to become clearer. “You know, your highness I’ve never been bucked off a horse before” Elizabeth states, voice attempting to sound nonchalant but you can tell the bitterness in it. “Yes.. alpine is.. she can be a tad difficult around new people” James mutters. You hear the movement of their feet in the grass. Coming closer. They walk a few more steps before they seemingly stop.

Shuffling quietly you shift so you can peak out behind the tree. They stand not too far from the water pump. Facing each other now. “I can see that” Elizabeth adds, giving a light chuckle. “But besides my now sore bottom I am looking forward to tonight” she says, her hand reaching out the touch James’s arm. He looks down at it and then back at her “as am I” he says softly, but he takes a step back. Glancing around. You see when he notices the abandoned buckets you had left.

“Shall I expect more dances with you again?” Elizabeth’s voice cuts through the air, his head snapping back to look at her. “If time allows it” he says rather rushed. He glances towards the tree then, and you quickly duck back behind it. Silently cursing yourself. he didn’t see you did he? “Well then I look forward to seeing you” Elizabeth says and James offers her a farewell. You hear light foot steps walking away then. But only one pair. “I saw you” James voice cuts through the air. Damn it. “You can come out now”

Slowly you step out from behind the tree. Hands clasping in front of you as you bow to him “your highness” you say looking down at the grass. “Did you forget something?” He asks pointing towards the buckets. You glance at them “I was filling them.. for the horses” you explain. He nods “and then you ended up hiding behind a tree?” He asks eyes squinting at you taking a step closer. “I umm I-“ you stutter and he takes another step towards you “were you spying on me?” He asks, his face nothing but serious. you snap your eyes to his “no! I was getting water for the horses! Which yours shouldn’t even be out right now!” You exclaim chest heaving slightly at his accusation.

He looks at you for a moment before his lips crack into a smile. You squint at him before your mouth drops open slightly “your messing with me” you breath out, he covers his mouth and chuckles. Shaking your head you step around him heading back towards the buckets. He turns, eyes following you as you move. “You never were very good at hiding” he states and you glance at him as you pull the pump handle to finish filling the first bucket.

You don’t reply, and he doesn’t act like he’s leaving anytime soon. Glancing at him again as you switch out buckets, he’s petting alpines neck and looking up towards the sky. “Looks like it might rain” he points out. you look up. He is right, clouds are quickly rolling in. “You should get back inside then” you say stopping what you are doing once again and walk over to him to grab alpines reins, but he pulls them out of your reach. “What are you doing?” He asks.

“I’m going to take her back to her stall” you say, trying to reach for them again but he moves them away. “I’ll do it” he says quickly, “no, I will. You need to head back to the castle” you say in a slight matter of fact tone. He cocks a eyebrow at you “did you just tell me no?” He asks and you all but almost glare at him before attempting another reach for her reins which he dodges and shifts moving alpine a little further away from you. Huffing you try again and he steps alpine out of your way. She jerks her head slightly at the abrupt movements “you are stressing her out” you snap crossing your arms over your chest.

James scoffs a laugh “I think the one aggressively trying to reach for her reins is stressing her out” he says and you scoff back at him “she is perfectly comfortable with me. Who do you think has been taking care of her for over a decade while you were gone?” You state putting your hands on your hips and tilting your head at him. Before he can respond though there is a rather bright crack of lightning over head that’s quickly followed by booming thunder. The abrupt noise causes alpine to buck up, James losing his grip and drops her reins. She neighs loudly stomping on the ground before she bucks up again. Way too close to you. James quickly grabs your arm pulling you out of the way. The jerking movement and uneven ground causing you both to fall back as you hit his chest.

You land almost completely on his lap as he lands on his bottom with a grunt. Before you can even begin to think of how wrong this must look another boom from the sky goes off and alpine shuffles before taking off down the hill. In the opposite direction. “Alpine!” You shout and quickly get up sprinting after her. James shouts after you but you’re more worried about the horse you were supposed to be taking care of at the moment currently booking it towards the more wooded area. You grip the skirt of your dress with one hand hiking it up so you’re able to run easier without tripping.

Alpine jumps a fallen tree and skirts around another weaving into the trees. “Alpine!” You shout again. slowing slightly as you approach the tree line. Careful to step over the fallen tree and brush. It startles you slightly when you hear James not to far behind you call for her too. Not expecting him to follow. It’s starts to sprinkle then, before another flash of lightning hits and it down pours. You gasp at the sudden cold but keep moving through the trees calling for her.

Eventually you spot her, reins caught and tangled in a thicker spot of brush. She’s bucking trying to get out. You quickly go over to her, hushing her and grabbing the upper part of her rein steadying her. James comes up behind you heaving “She’s caught on something” you shout over the heavy rain beating down on the three of you. James nods and squints walking around to where her reins at tangled. He pulls a small blade from his boot and starts cutting at the brush.

you pet alpines neck, trying to keep her calm as he cuts her out. Soon her reins snap free and she takes a few steps back pulling at her reins but you keep a firm hand on them and hush her gently “we have to get back!” James shouts and grabs the other side of her reins. You both walk quickly back towards the stables. James gets her back into her stall while you rush to the pasture to usher the other three inside. You close the large doors and James assists you with getting the others into their own stalls.

Taking in a heavy breath you sigh leaning against the wall of the stable closing your eyes for a second. You open them at the sound of James grunting. He’s shoving off his waistcoat, revealing is drenched almost see through white under shirt. He goes to remove it and you turn around quickly “what are you doing?” You ask in a rushed tone. “Ringing out my shirt it’s drenched” he says nonchalantly “why have you turned away?” He asks and your eyes widen. “We-we need to get back to the castle” you stutter ignoring his question. He laughs “I am not running through that again, we’ll just wait here” he states and you turn then, eyes practically bulging out of your head “what?”

Your breath catches at the sight of him. He’s looking down as he squeezes the water from his shirt, but he’s standing straight and by god. He really has… changed. He’s damn sculpted. Your eyes catch onto a drop of water that trails down his chest all the way to his toned belly and towards his- Jesus Christ woman look away!

You snap yourself out of it and glance off to the side, now finding the wood of the stalls interesting. Why do your cheeks feel warm? “I’m not walking through that again, you shouldn’t either. Hopefully it’ll let up soon” he says looking up at you now. He squints at you, taking in your demeanor. “Are you uncomfortable?” He asks and shake your head perching your lips. “No.. just. I have to get back, I have more to do and someone will start to wonder where I am” you explain, trying to sound natural while still avoiding looking at him.

“I’ll just explain what’s happened. No repercussions will fall on you” he states, like it’s that easy. But for him you guess it is. You only offer him a nod then. “Are you sure you’re alright?” He asks taking a step closer to you, his shirt hanging in his hand at his side. You glance at him from the side and nod again “yes, just- you should put your shirt back on” you rush out. James looks down at it in his hand and then back at you letting out a low chuckle “you are acting strange… because I don’t have a shirt on?” He smirks “it’s improper! And if someone sees-“ “no one is going to come out here in this weather and I am not a fan of wearing rain soaked clothes” he cuts you off and takes another step towards you.

You shift slightly turn more away from him “look at me” he says and you shake your head, wrapping your arms around your middle. He takes another step, and you feel the warmth of him at your back now. He says your name softly “please, look at me” he whispers. You take in a shaky breath slowly turning to face him. Your eyes flicking up to meet his. He looks more serious now. Bringing his hand up he gently brings it to brush your cheek. “What are you-“ “you’re freezing” he mutters cutting you off. Dropping the shirt his other hand comes up to rest on the other side of your face. Rubbing both his thumbs along your skin and tilting your head back slightly, forcing you to look at him more directly.

Your breathing is uneven, and your stomach feels as though a million butterflies are trying to escape it. He leans his head closer to yours and instinctively you try to move back but he stops you “don’t move” he whispers. You blink at him, shaking slightly as he gets closer. So close you can feel his breath on your lips. Your breathing picks up more. Brain reeling. You panic. “Are you courting her?” You ask rushed. He shifts back slightly looking you in the eyes again. He swallows hard. Chest heaving now you gently bring your shaking hands to where his rest on your face, grabbing his wrists and slowly removing them “this isn’t right” you state voice shaking. Taking a step away you let go of him.

He says your name but you ignore it “this isn’t right… you-you’re courting her and I-i need to get back” you go to reach for the door of the stable. Quickly walking past him he calls your name again and you whip your head around to look at him “why would you do that?” You ask shaking “why.. why? Everything was fine before you came back. I was fine. My mother was fine. I knew what I am and what I should do and now I-“ you cut yourself off, taking a deep breath. “I wish you hadn’t done that” you say, voice breaking. Swinging the door open you step out.

The rain has lightened up and you quickly walk, wiping your eyes. Not really sure if it’s tears or rain you’re trying to wipe away. James shouts after you and you glance back. He’s stepping out of the stables shirt thrown back on and he’s shoving his arms through his waistcoat as he jogs after you. You turn forward again not stopping, picking up the pace a little bit. You hear him groan and run up to you. Quickly getting in front of you and sticking his hands out to stop you. “I’m sorry. I am. I don’t know- so much is happening and you’ve been distant-“ you cut him off

“distant? I am distant because I am not a lady. I am not a duchess. I am not someone who gets to talk with you whenever I like because if I do I could lose a ear. Or get my tongue cut out. I don’t get to enjoy fine clothes or fancy feast or balls. I serve. I am a servant. I am nothing more than someone who picks up after you. We are not friends and I am not someone you get to do… whatever that was with. Because for you it’d be a slap on the wrist maybe less but for me.. I could be killed.” You rant. Chest heaving as hot tears roll down your cheeks mixing with the rain. “You are a prince. Eventually to be king. You should remember that” you finish shaking.

James opens his mouth, but closes it again dropping his arms to his sides. He opens it again taking a breath but shouting cuts through the air. Looking behind him you see Jeanie running towards you calling your name. You move past James and meet her half way. “Jeanie? What’s the matter?” You ask as she slows in front of you. “It-it’s your mother… you must come now”

She knows he has something to do with it. She knows how close you were growing up. Often being the one to warn you to be careful when you were littler. Giving you gentle warnings to be weary in your friendship with the prince and princess. More so the prince as she worried what the harsh reality of your rank in this world would do to you when you got older and began to understand.

She in some ways was grateful when the young prince was sent off. For the simple reason she didn’t want you to get your hopes up for something that would never be able to happen. she’s seen how you’ve changed. She’s seen how you now conduct yourself. But since the announcement of the princes return you’ve had your head in a cloud and it worried her.

“My heart.. are you alright?” Your mother asks softly, her gaze following you as you polish more silver before placing it on the table. You raise your brows slightly and nod “mhm” you hum quietly. Your mother nods and returns to placing the table settings. But then she sighs, “yaknow… I’m still feeling a bit under the weather today, would you do me the favor of taking my shift tonight for the ball?” She asks turning her head to look at you.

When you were little you always begged to be brought to the balls, offering to do anything to come. You even offered to clean up horse poop if it meant you got to get a glance of the lavish gowns and well dressed men of status. To sneak a peak into the grand room fully lit and adorned with the finest of decorations and exquisite feasts.

You turn your head to her “are you sure? What if you need something? What if you get another coughing fit? Who will fetch your tea?” You ask, already worrying for her. She shakes her head raising her hand to you. “I’ll have Jeanie with me if I need anything, plus we need to get ahead of the sewing for the kings new shirts anyways” she waves you off. Going back to her table settings. You blink at her “but I-I’ve never” you stuttered and she turns to you again. “My dear, you will to fine. Miriam will be there. Just stay next to her and she’ll help you” she explained.

You nod softly, a now shaky hand picking up a new piece of silver. You absentmindedly polish it, mind now reeling. This is something you’ve dreamed of, But the thought of it also shook you. Knowing Miriam will be there gives you some relief though. She’s a few years older than you and she’s attended more of these events than you can count. She’s also somewhat of a friend to you. You aren’t super close, but you’ve confided in each other on a few occasions. Sometimes tossing jokes back and forth while elbow deep in soap and water scrubbing floors or fetching linens.

You’ll need to bathe before hand, not that you’ll be there to impress anyone but you’ve been running around all day. You’ll also need to change into your nicer work dress, maybe redo your bun. Your hair must look a mess. As if your mother can hear the gears turning in your head she sighs heavily. “Go” she says and you turn to her rather quickly, snapping out of your thoughts “what?” You say and she just smiles shaking her head. “Go, get cleaned up and be back here before it starts. I’ll let Miriam know you’ll be assisting tonight” she says waving you off. You smiling softly placing your cloth down on the table and giving a soft peck on your mother’s cheek before rushing off.

You speed walk through the halls, weaving past other servants and guards walking about the hall, already imagining tonight. Mind filling with a small ounce of excitement. You’re nervous, but knowing you won’t be alone is relieving. So you allow yourself to imagine all the beauty you’ll be able to witness tonight. Even if it’s from the shadows. Even if to everyone else in the room you are nothing but a hand that brings the wine or serves the small cakes. You’ll be there, taking it all in.

You are so lost in your thoughts you don’t realize you’re walking straight into someone, and you don’t bump into them softly either. You almost fall over but a hand quickly catches your arm to steady you. “I-I’m so sorry-“ “it’s alright” the voice cuts you off and you look up making eye contact with them. With him.

“O-oh your highness I’m so sorry I wasn’t paying attention” you stutter adverting your eyes, quickly offering a bow and taking a step back causing him to release your arm. “I said it’s alright” he says softly, your eyes are still facing down and you don’t know why but you don’t move right away. James takes in a breath, like he’s about to say something more. But the soft call of your name from his sister stops him and he turns to greet her. “Hello sister” he says and she smiles at him “hello brother, keeping the workers from their duties are we?” She asks with a joking tone switching her glaze to you. You bow to her and she gives you a soft hello “I was wondering if you’d assist me tonight with getting ready? If you aren’t otherwise be occupied” Becca asks you.

“Oh umm yes. I can do that” you agree hesitantly, she catches it “you don’t have to if have other obligations, I can always ask Yvette. you just always do my hair how I like it” Becca explains and you shake your head “no, I can do it. I’ll just need a few minutes to change” you say offering her a glance. “Change? Why?” She asks her brows pulling together “I’m covering for my mother tonight at the ball” you state and Becca gasps. “Oh! then we can get ready together!” She exclaims, grabbing your hand quickly and pulling you away down the hall. James left alone in the crowd of passersby’s.

She pulls you along all the way to her chambers, quickly rushing you both inside and closing the doors. She dismisses her ladies maids after speaking with Yvette and soon it’s just you two. You stand close to her door, hands clasped in front of you watching as she heads to her wardrobe and pulls out a beautiful deep blue dress. “Isn’t it just gorgeous” she exclaims laying it gently on the edge of her bed. You nod smiling softly “you’ll look beautiful in it your highness” you say and she turns to look at you “we are alone, you may call me Becca” she says, voice light.

You nod, and she waves you over to her vanity. You walk over and for the first time since this morning you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Gods you really needed a bath. You grimace and Becca laughs lightly catching the reaction. “Do not worry, I’ve sent Yvette to fetch you a clean work dress and for a bath to be made. I’m so happy you’ll be there tonight.” she says voice laced with excitement.

“T-thank you, it’s very appreciated. If I can speak freely… I am quite nervous and excited.. I’ve never attended one” you admit and Becca’s eyes widened “you’ve never been?” She asks sitting on her stool in front of her vanity. “No, but my mother has been feeling under the weather recently so she asked me to cover for her” you explained grabbing her brush, ready to get working on her long soft hair. But a knock on the door stops you, both your heads turning towards it.

“Oh that must be Yvette! Come in!” She calls, and Yvette comes in with a few other servants. Carrying your change of clothes and a tub with a few buckets of warm water. They set the items down and you watch as they set up the tub with quiet efficiency. Once they are done, they bow to Becca and excuse themselves. “Now, you get washed up! I’m going to take my hair down” she says turning around in her stool, you hesitate.

This has definitely never happened before. Yes you and the princess are close. Probably closer than you should be with a royal but this… if caught you could lose a finger for it. Or worse, thrown in the dungeons for exposing yourself to a royal and then sentenced to death. Becca, as if she hears your silent worries stands and gently grabs your arm turning you to face her. “You are safe, you need not worry. You are a friend here” she says softly looking you in the eye. “I’ll move the privacy screen to give you more space. But I promise no one will enter” she explains, stepping away from you and pulling the screen in front of the tub.

You nod and let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. Stepping behind the screen as she goes to sit back on her stool. You stare at the water for a moment, it’s been ages since you’ve had a warm bath. Even longer since you’ve had one with such nice smelling oils and petals in it. Because servants don’t need to smell nice. They need to work. To serve. Slowly you remove your dress and under clothes. Taking a hesitant step into the tub before fully emerging yourself. Sighing softly as the warmth surrounds you.

You scrub your body with the soft sponge they provided, way softer than the rag you usually use. You then grab the small bar of soap, it smells of vanilla and tea tree. You lather it and scrub the suds into your hair then lean back to wash it out. It feels nice, it feels lavish, it feels like something forbidden. But selfishly you soak it in anyways. You spent a few brief moments just sitting and letting the warmth settle into your bones before you carefully stand, grabbing the towel they laid out for you and wrapping it around yourself.

You glance around before spotting your clean work dress folded on top of a small stool by the tub. Drying yourself you get dressed quickly. Making sure to pat your hair dry as much as you can. You leave it down for now. Wanting to let it dry before you but it back in it’s usual bun. Quietly you step out from behind the screen and Becca glances at you through her mirror. “Feel better?” She asks running her brush through her hair. You nod “yes, thank you very much”, she smiles “of course, you know. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you with your hair down. At least not since we were little” she points out “you look lovely with it down” she adds and you look down out of shyness “thank you Becca, you are too kind”

“I am being nothing but honest” she says turning to face you “now, I really need you to do that beautiful half up half down look you did for mother’s birthday dinner for tonight” she says with a nonchalant tone, you smile and nod walking over to her, taking her brush from her hand softly.

——

To say the ball was everything you’d hoped was a understatement. You always heard about the grandeur of these events, you even day dreamed more than you’d like to admit about them. Often trying to catch glimpses of the events or while helping set up trying to imagine what it’d look like in full swing.

Things were going smoothly, Miriam giving you pointers and telling you when to pass around drinks and hors d’oeuvres to the vast amounts of Lords, ladies, Dukes and other high status guests. You stand off to the side now, taking in the ambience of the room.

Hands clasped in front of you, you watch as beautiful women in extravagant ballgowns are twirled about by handsome gentleman as instruments play a soft melody. You have to say this is your favorite part, because for a short while you just get to watch. You don’t need to worry about making sure glasses are full or that the bite sized foods are fully stocked because everyone is dancing or too busy watching the elegance of their moves. Entranced by the synchronicity, everyone seemingly moving as one.

This also gave you a chance to subtly gaze towards the royal family, and for the first time in over a decade really look at the prince. Adorned in royal attire. A crown placed perfectly upon his head. They all sit at the high table at the end of the room, chatting idly with those who came up to pay respects to them. Becca has been asked a few times by suitors for her hand in a dance, she’s accepted a few. Every time once a dance had ended she’d make her way back to the table but not before offering you a glance and a small smile.

Rumors were circulating of an announcement the king was going to give tonight, but you didn’t know what for. You had only heard whispers during one of your rounds you had made around the room offering to fill empty glasses. “Do you think the princess is engaged?” Miriam questions. Standing like a statue next to you, so still you almost forgot she was there.

You shrug, “I’m not sure” you say. Surely Becca would’ve told you if she were to be married. Another hour passed by and guests were still dancing or taking seats at the tables enjoying the food. The King stands clearing his throat, effectively silencing the low rumble of voices. Every head turning to look towards him. you being so far back and covered behind dozens of bodies take the chance to also look.

”It is with great pleasure that I announce with the return of my dear son, we will be hosting events throughout the season in search for his bride” the kings voice booms with steadiness and grace. But your heart quickens. “He shall then be married and produce heirs to continue our strong family line…” the king continues but your ears start to ring and his voice is muffled.

So he is to be married… why does that make your chest feel tight? Glancing towards James he looks almost indifferent to his father’s words. But you can see a hint of something else on his face, you just aren’t sure what. You take your eyes away from him, fixing your gaze on the young ladies of title who are not betrothed start to whisper with each other. He’ll end up with one of them. He’ll marry one of them. Have babies with one of them.

Suddenly the ginormous room feels smaller, and your breath is harder the catch. You take shaky breaths in and out turning your gaze down to your hands. He’ll be married soon, with children. And eventually king. You knew this would happen, ever since you were little. It never bothered you then, never really thinking about it but now.. it was happening and a small part of you, more on the surface than you thought, broke.

Too busy in thought you hadn’t noticed the king sitting back down. You hadn’t heard the multitude of voices picking back up again or the band returning to their instruments, or guests returning to their dances. You hadn’t noticed when the prince stepped down from the table. Walking into the crowd, saying hellos to guests on the way by. You definitely hadn’t noticed when he stood not too far from you until Miriam greeted him with a bow “your highness” she said gracefully, elbowing you and snapping you out of your thoughts. You look up quickly.

Reality coming back to you, you bow and offer him a greeting. Swallowing hard. Keeping your gaze away from him. You don’t notice the Prince giving Miriam a nod silently telling her she may move about, not until you hear her move and you turn to look at her. She gives you a small smile before walking off. You take in a deep breath again, trying to focus on anything to keep you grounded. You don’t hear what he says, not at first. He says your name softly and you, forgetting for a moment look at him. Eyes locking with his. Those deep, beautiful blue eyes.

“Are you enjoying yourself?” He asks, you stare for a moment before glancing around. Confused for a moment on the question. “Me?” You ask, sounding more out of breath than you would’ve liked. He cracks a smile then. Glancing down at his feet before looking back towards you again “yes, who else is around us?” He asks and you almost laugh at it. There’s a lot of people around you, just not necessarily in this dim corner he found you in. “I- yes I am” you reply softly. “Are you?” You ask not making direct eye contact, choosing to turn your gaze back towards the guests.

Beside you, and slightly closer now James sucks in a breath. “I should be” he admits but before he can say more, a lady approaches. Lady Elizabeth. Her father is a higher ranking Lord, and she… is available. She bows to him offering a gleaming smile, she glances towards you. Eyes scanning you with distaste. You keep your head turned away. “Mind taking this for me? It’s dirty and needs to be cleaned” she snaps, holding out her empty glass to you. You turn and gently take the glass. Bowing to James before rather gratefully exiting the ballroom. Thankful to get away.

Your thoughts wander ‘he does remember me’ you think. He had called your name. Asked if you were enjoying yourself. But it was shattered. The walk to the kitchens and the glass gripped in your hands serves as a painful reminder of who you are exactly in this world. Nothing more than someone who picks up after the ones who are truly important.

The night went on, and once you had returned James was in the middle of the room. Conversing with lords and ladies. You returned to your corner. Your small, dark corner. Hidden out of sight. Not in the way. Not taking attention. Just there. Off to the side where you belong.

——

Hours later, once guests began to leave and the room started to clear out you and a few other servants were left. Cleaning up what was left behind. Miriam stands next to you, helping with getting dishes into a basket to be taken to the kitchens for washing. Others clean up food or are taking down decorations.

It is very late, and you are exhausted. Feet aching from standing for so long. Miriam, handing you one of the baskets that are full dismisses you. Saying to take it to the kitchen and then you are free to retire for the night. You thank her and head on your way.

Slowly but eventually making it to the kitchen you see some cooks and other servants moving about. Some cleaning and others already starting prep for tomorrow mornings breakfast. You move through them and stop at a wash basin. Taking your time to gently place the delicate dishes into the soapy water. Head lost in thought.

This night had started feeling so special to you. Feeling like something you’ve always wanted was something you were finally getting. But now it felt heavy. It felt painfully awakening. Maybe balls weren’t all you have dreamt them to be. At least not for someone like you.

——

Your mother let you sleep in. Careful not to wake you when she got out of bed that morning. Knowing you’d be exhausted. She sees how even when you slept your face that is usually at peace seems unhappy. She knew what had happened at the ball. Jeanie informing her of what she had heard in the halls the day before.

A small part of her hoped the announcement of the prince’s upcoming courtships wouldn’t affect you, but she knew it was a empty hope. Even if you didn’t understand your feeling she did, and she wanted to protect you from them but also help you be aware of the situation. So she allowed you to sleep in, taking care of yours and her own morning chores.

It was a little later into the morning when you finally woke. Eyes still heavy with sleep. It took you a few second before you realized your mother was already gone. No longer laying next to you. It caused you to spring up in a panic. ‘Damn it I’ve missed half the morning’. You rush getting out of your night dress quickly throwing on your work one your mother had laid out for you. Rushing to the small cracked mirror that hangs on your wall you quickly work to get your hair into a neat bun.

While reaching for a pin to shove into your hair you spot a note on the small table. ‘Good morning my heart, I’ve taken care of your morning duties so you can sleep in so do not fret. Be in the laundry hall by mid sun for the linen switch’ -mother. You sigh arms falling down to your sides. Hair still half a mess. She’s taken care of it for you. Your heart fill’s with thankfulness for the kindness of your mother.

You step away from the small mirror, waking over to your equally small window that is covered by a curtain and pull it back a little to look at the sky. The suns not even near the mid sky yet. You have time. Time to do what though? Surely you are needed somewhere. Surely someone needs something. Right?

You sigh plopping down on the edge of your bed. It creaks at the sudden weight. You look around the small room. Utterly lost. This has never happened. You’ve never missed any amount of work. Even when you’ve been ill you’ve worked, just away in the laundry room mending shirts or dresses. Alone in a corner so that you got no one else sick.

Free time was foreign to you, like it was to most people in your position. Maybe you could go for a walk in the gardens? See if any of the landscapers need help? It has been awhile since you’ve been in them. Yeah, that’s what you’ll do. Stepping back up to the mirror you finish your hair and tidy your dress before taking off into the hall.

The gardens have always been a place you enjoyed. Bright floral colors going on for ages and ages. It was quiet aside from the sound of the water fountains and the landscapers at work. When you were younger, James was the first person who ever brought you here. He showed you the small wooden gazebo you sit in now.

It’s hidden away in a less populated area for the gardens. Not many knowing of its existence. When you were younger it was bright and alive feeling. Now it’s splintering and over grown with greenery, but you sit in it anyways. Because no one comes here.. or so you thought.

“I thought they would’ve gotten rid of this by now” your head snaps towards the voice, speak of the devil. He stands there, leaning against one of the old posts of the structure arms crossed over his chest. He looks around before turning his eyes to you and for an odd reason.. you don’t look away from him. You know you should.. but you don’t.

“I guess they’ve forgotten it’s here.” You offer softly. He nods slowly glancing around again before dropping his arms at his sides and pushing off the post, taking a step closer. “Perhaps, honestly kind of grateful for it now” he admits and you tilt your head eyebrows furrowed “it’s a nice get away from all the.. people” he adds and you offer a nod in agreement.

Your heart beat picks up slightly as he takes another step closer towards where you sit “aren’t you supposed to be doing something?” He asks after a few seconds, seemingly attempting to fill the silence. “Oh um.. no, my mother took care of my morning duties.. I’m not needed until later.” You say and then his words fully hit you and you sit up straighter “unless you need something?” You asks and he shakes his head putting a hand up to you “no, no I’m alright. Was just curious.” He says and you release a breath.

He smiles slightly eyes looking over you “you are quieter than i remember” he says. You look down at your hands in your lap for a moment before looking back up at him “not much to say I guess”you add. It gets quiet again after that for a few moments. But then, like he’s made up his mind he sucks in a breath and takes the seat by you on the bench. You watch him as he does, baffled.

“Do you remember the night we first talked?” He asks, turning his head to face you. You nod and he speaks again “I think of it often.. I remember when I told you my nickname and you kept pronouncing it ‘bonky’” he says with a light laugh. Your mouth ticks up into a small smile “I was only little then, still learning words” you defend voice light. He nods bitting his lip to try and stop his smile. leaning forward he props his elbows on his thighs clasping his hands together and resting his chin on them. “It felt simpler then” he mutters looking out towards the gardens. You look at the back of his head for a moment. Taking him in. He looks exhausted.

“It was then, we were only children” you say quietly. He sits back up then, turning to face you. “I am to be married” he states, your face falls a little “I know” you say and it comes out sounding smaller than you wanted. You both look at each other, the air feeling slightly heavier. He leans all the way back now, arms coming back over his chest crossed. “I miss when we were little” he admits, sounding tired. You slowly lean back with him, your shoulder brushing his. “I do too”. The air filled with silences then. Neither of you having anything more to say. But he stayed, and so did you. both content with the quiet company for the small fleeting moment you had with it before you both go on your separate ways. Back to your own realities.

You both make it to his chambers, your small bodies quietly sneaking through his door as to not wake the guard posted outside his room. Bucky shuts it softly with a sigh of relief, he takes your hand again and you both move for his bed.

This isn’t the first time during a storm the young prince has come to find you. You’ve grown up together, granted you were both born into different lives but that didn’t stop the bond you two had. Your father was a knight, But was killed for treason. To spare you and your mother the Queen allowed you both to stay in the castle and work as servants for the crown.

When you first came here you were only three, Bucky was five. The princess, Rebecca being the same age as you, the Queen allowed you to attend some of her courses with her while your mother worked around the castle. Becca was sweet and always made sure you were right by her. Especially during dance lessons which were your favorite.

Bucky, even at the age of five. Was attending lessons on how to rule a kingdom. It wasn’t until almost two years later, during the night you had snuck out of your small room you shared with your mother, feeling restless and craving a snack. You were planning on making a quick trip to the kitchens to snag a biscuit the chef always left out for the guards who worked during the night.

But on your way, in the dark hall you heard sniffling. Your brows furrowed together, your small face scrunching with curiosity. You followed the sound to find the young prince hidden behind a pillar, one of many that decorate the hall.

“Are you alright your ma-majesty?” Your small voice asks, concentrating hard on the last word so that it is pronounced correctly. He snaps his head up, quickly wiping his eyes with the back of his hands “yes. Go away.” He snaps turning away from you more.

“But you are crying” you point out “my momma says if you see someone crying sometimes they just need a hug. To get the sad out” you extend your small arms, smiling softly. He turns his head slowly, looking at you over his shoulder. “I don’t hug servants” he mumbles. “It’s not proper” he adds as he moves to stand.

You drop your arms back to your sides “What’s proper?” You ask head tilted in confusion. He looks at you, head pointed down slightly. “I’m not really sure. But father says I’m not supposed to be kind to servants” he admits, picking at his sleep shirt sleeve.

“Oh” you mutter, “but can you talk to them?” You ask. He shrugs “yeah, to ask for something” you smile then “then why don’t you just ask for a hug? Then it’d be pro-proper” you say matter of factly struggling with the last word slightly. Bucky smiles then. It’s small but there. he glances around the pillar making sure no one is passing before he whispers “may-may I have a hug?” He asks.

You nod quickly and wrap your small arms around his torso. He’s not much taller than you, but he’s tall enough that his chin can rest on top of your head. “Is the sad gone now?” You ask quietly. He slowly wraps his arms around you and nods “I think so” he says and steps back after a few seconds.

Lightening strikes outside the castle walls, causing Bucky to jump slightly. You look from him to the stain glass window where rain is hitting against it. “Do you not like the rain?” You ask and he shakes his head “no… it’s loud and I can’t sleep when it rains..” he mumbles looking down. “I don’t like it either, when I can’t sleep my momma plays with my hair or rubs my back, OH! or sometimes she’ll sing a song! I could do that for you!” You say getting a little excited.

Bucky’s eyes widen a little, “you would?” He asks softly and you nod, “mhmm”. That was the first night you had ever shared a bed with someone other than your mother. A scared seven year old Prince, who let a five year old servant girl rub he’s back until you both fell asleep. That morning you had woken up back in your bed though. You never knew how you got back there but your five year old mind brushed it off. It wasn’t the last time though. You spent many nights running around the castle or sneaking into his chambers with the young prince, comforting each other during the rainy nights and others just spending time together to be kids. Kids without roles that were placed on them at birth.

Now, at the ages ten and thirteen here you are again. Bucky sneaking you into his chambers on a stormy night. You both sit on his bed facing each other, “did you hear?” He asks, fiddling with his thumbs. “Hear what?” You question. “My father’s sending me away.. to a school in the east.. says I’ll become a proper prince there and that they’ll teach me how to be a king..” you frown “in the east? Where in the east? For how long?” You ask quickly, your breath becoming uneven. Bucky shrugs “somewhere called.. Mo-Moldova? I don’t know when I’ll be back…” he sniffles slightly, head pointed down to his lap.

You shake your head, taking in a shaky breath as your eyes fill with tears “but.. but you can’t go..”. He looks up at you as a tear slides down your cheek “I have too, my father ordered it.” He states “but it’s not fair!” You exclaim “you’re my best friend..” you add sadly. Something changes in him then. Something you’ve seen a little of before in recent months but it’s never been directed towards you. Not until now.

“I am not your friend.. I am your prince and soon to be king..” he mumbles. Voice sounding bitter now. “W-what? Bucky-“ he cuts you off standing from his bed now. “My name is not Bucky it is James! Prince James! And you will address me as such!” He snaps, your eyes widen at his out burst. “Get out! Get out! You-you nasty servant! Get out before I call my guard!” He shouts pointing towards his door.

Your breath quickens, and you scramble to stand hopping down off of his bed, running to his door. You pull it open and step out, but glance back once. His back is still towards you and his shoulders are heaving. You shut the door then and with tears streaming down your cheeks you run all the way back down to the servants quarters. All the way back to the small room you shared with your mother. That night, as your mother lay quietly next to you in the small bed you wept quietly. That was the first time a boy has ever made you cry.

——

Now, thirteen years later. You have grown into a young woman. You now assist with chores around the castle and sometimes, you assist the princess. Becca has always been a constant, besides your mother she is a warm comfort during your long days. She’s someone you are able to confide in without worry of repercussions.

Currently you are helping her with her hair. Working on a beautiful updo. “Did you hear?” Becca asks softly, fiddling with a bracelet on her wrist as she glances at you through the mirror in front of her. You smile shaking your head softly “hear what?” You ask “dear James is coming back, should be here in a day or so is what mother says” she explains smiling. Your hands slow on her hair slightly “oh?” You say softly and she nods “yes! Can’t wait to see him, he’s been gone for so long” Becca adds and you hum in response, choosing to stay quiet.

She senses the change in you. Squinting at you through the mirror before turning around to face you. “Aren’t you excited?” She asks. You remove your hands from her hair looking down at her from where she sits. “Of course… it’s just, you know how our last talk was” you explain. The day after it happened you had confided in her about it during a dance lesson you were allowed to go to. Rebecca’s face softens then and she gently grabs your hand in hers “I know, and I know it hurt him just as much. But he does care” she says softly.

You shake your head, offering a small smile as you place your hands on her shoulders and gently turn her to face the mirror again. “I doubt he feels that way now..” you say as your hands begin fixing her hair again. Becca laughs lightly “then you truly don’t know my brother”

——

Two days passed by quickly, and the castle was buzzing with the excitement of the princes return. Some wondering how he’d react being back after being away for so long and others, mostly the younger servants and ladies maids gossiping about how he must look and if he’s as handsome as some say he is now. You were just wondering if hopefully… he’d remember you.

A small part of you always dreamed of this day, when he’d return and things between you would be as they were before that night so long ago. But you knew, deep down. It was a foolish thought. A dream.

“My dear hurry with those linens, we haven’t got much time before he arrives and we are all to be in the entrance hall for his arrival” your mother rushes, shoving a basket of clean linens into your hands and effectively snapping you out of your thoughts. “Yes mother” you nod. Adjusting your grip on the basket you make the all too familiar walk to his room. His chambers. The one for years now has been empty.

Stepping in felt like stepping into a memory. Everything relatively the same besides a few things missing that he had taken with him before he left. You hadn’t stepped back in here since that night. Letting out a heavy sigh you begin undressing the bed, replacing the old linens with the new. Making sure there was no wrinkles or creases. Taking your time to straighten and fluff the pillows. As you finish you slowly leave the room. On your way out taking one last look.

As you make your way back down the hall your mother calls for you, her dress shirts gathered slightly in her hand as she approaches you in a rushed jog “my dear hurry! The carriage has just arrived!” She exclaims, and you both rush to the servants quarters, quickly setting down the baskets you both carry before turning and rushing to the entrance hall where other servants and maids lineup on each side of the grand double doors. Guards stand in a stiff line in front of you. Heads stuck looking straight ahead while you and the other servants behind them stand heads pointed down with your hands clasped in front of you. You were never to make direct eye contact with a royal.

Trumpets blared and cheers roared outside the castle, signaling the prince’s arrival. After what felt like hours but was only minutes the grand doors opened. Revealing the royal family as they walk in together. You glance your eyes up, trying to get a glimpse of them. From what you can see, the prince.. James, and his father were in front. The Queen and Rebecca walking not too far behind them.

They stop in the middle, the king announces his son’s return “the prince has returned!” He exclaims proudly, all the guards and servants bow. In unison we all welcome him back “welcome home our prince” before standing straight again. You glance up once again, careful to not move your head. You spot him through the bodies of guards in front of you. He has grown. He’s taller, a lot taller. Broader too and his hair now hangs softly at his shoulders. He looks strong. He looks like someone who would be king.

He’s looking around, staring at the rows of guards and servants before him. His eyes pass over you without a thought, before.. for a spilt second they come back to you and your eyes lock onto each other. And for that small moment your heart picked up its pace. Does he remember me? But the thought was quickly stopped. Your mother’s elbow poking at your side snapping you back into your proper place.

“Come my son! We are throwing a grand ball in your honor tonight!” The king exclaims, he claps his hands and like clock work the servants and guards disperse. All quickly going back to work to prepare for tonight. Your mother grabs your elbow and drags you with her. But not before you take a chance on one more glance at the prince. But you find he was already looking at you.