mdvl

i love him so much and i ADORE spending time with him and being with him 24/7.

i’m the eldest daughter, so i also love being alone but he is one of the few i can be around forever.

i’m visiting my parents’ place this weekend and maybe it’s because i’m not working and i’m sleeping by myself but i feel more in sync with my thoughts and the whims i want to do. and i think is because i am alone.

when i was in high school, i spent so much time alone in my room and i used to journal a lot (i was really depressed and in an abusive relationship), so i was in my head lots of the time but now life has changed and i go to work and basically live with my boyfriend and i realized i don’t have time to think.

i am constantly distracted by my boyfriend, by the games we play, by doing something together, hanging with friends so i don’t have the time to meditate. i think that is my fault as well, so i can quiet and ignore the voices

maybe i’ve lost my individuality, which is a shame because i’ve always prided myself on being independent and liking being alone.

latitudinarian

i considere myself a latitudinarian person. even when i was young and was raised to believe certain things, i always thought by myself and supported takes that at that time were controversial, like same sex marriage or abortion.

i think it is because i’m an aquarius.

i should stop comparing him but,

his father’s best friend is staying over and he was drunk and stupid and sexist. and it was so uncomfortable for me, he called me my boyfriend’s female (which is even more insulting in spanish btw) and he was making sexual jokes about us and i was so annoyed and my in-laws did tell him to behave but yeah that didn’t happen. (and i didn’t eat so i’m starving)

i texted my boyfriend about how annoyed i was and that i wanted to leave and he told me that he is one of the riches assholes ever and that he has like a ton of cows and shit and he wants to buy some cows for business and yeah, he told me that i could leave if i wanted but i didn’t because i have manners.

when we finally went upstairs, i was understandably upset you know? he was zero supportive by message and then he asked me that why was i annoyed, that i could’ve gone upstairs if i wanted and i lost my composure and i told him that i didn’t leave because i have manners and that i find annoying the way he replied to me.

somehow since we met, i’ve always had shotgun in his car. it was an unspoken rule, no matter how many of us are going, that is my place.

but it stopped being unspoken when he told him that was my designated spot.

and today, when we went out for lunch, our tallest friend was going to ride in his car but he told him to go to the other car cause he was going to bump his head in the roof, he wouldn’t have to if he was going in the passenger seat, but i was there.

usually, when something happens but no one notices but us, we lock eyes and have a conversation by just looking at each other.

yesterday, something like that happened but he wasn’t there and it was so funny that i had to tell him what happened.

i told him that i was sad he missed that because he’d have laughed so hard with us, and he told me he appreciated it.

then walking together to the bathroom, he told me that there is not many people who can lock eyes with him and shre thoughts the way we do, usually when that happens and i’m not there he feels lonely but if i’m there he feels a sense of companionship.

and it is always us and our scrupulousness, we have a secret language just using our gaze.

scrupulousness

adronitis

compunction

i started to talk to him again, in a casual way, but even that i’ve stopped doing to stop my feelings.

it happened organically, and everything is alright, i don’t think i’ll develop feelings like THAT again.

SONDER

of course there is a word for every feeling, there really isn’t a unique experience huh? sometimes when i’m in the passenger seat or in a long drive in a bus, i experience sonder, of course i didn’t know there’s a word for that.

i try to put myself in “the eyes” of random passerby’s and create a life to where they’re going to, even try to physically see what they’re seeing if they’re in my field of view.

we feel entitled all the time, even if we don’t realize it. we do have empathy for others but the reality of things is that we are so self absorbed we forget we are not alone in this world, we have to mind other’s feelings too.