( ♥ — GIRL NEXT DOOR ;

“a funny movie, cuddles, and eating our weight in junk food doesn’t sound too bad, so i would love to take you up on that offer. the talking about it part, well, maybe that can wait until later. like way later. like after we’ve cried of laughter a couple of times and i’ve already had a whole pint of my favorite men: ben and jerry’s.”

i am pretty needy, so i think that both would be much better. stroke my ego a little now, and more later, you know? why do i feel like you’re on the verge of popping a boner right now? has it really been that long since you’ve gotten laid, hayes? you’re slacking. you know what tweets i’m talking about, because they involved his girlfriend. his very real girlfriend. he just tries to watch out for me, but he doesn’t get that i’m fine with our... thing. i don’t know, i still don’t even know why you two got in a fight. why wouldn’t i answer you? don’t be stupid. mm, i’ll try. but who says they’ll be holding me down?

you know that i’ve been to most of your games to support you, and i’ve never been to a nickelback concert. do they even go on tour? take that back. i showed your nose so much love, you can’t insult mine. jeff gordon looks like a creep, i wouldn’t want his dick anywhere near my mouth. that doesn’t sound worth it at all. you could have lasted five and not made the girl fear for her life. how would i try and make you crash? i don’t know what you mean. frosting’s not disgusting--- what’s wrong with you, harlan? that’s the best part of any cake, or cupcake. please don’t get me a vibrator for christmas. i really don’t need one, nor do i want one. 

“of course, i don’t know any other way to solve your problems, do you? spending time at the library doesn’t make me boring. i do plenty of fun things to make up for it, i just like my quiet time. right--- yeah, let’s both stop assuming things, then. tequila works.”

“that’s a good thing, though. but it’s okay, my heart will mend. one of these days. i’ll start spending less time at the library, just for you, pres. i just wasn’t sure if you were or not, but that’s good to hear. right, yeah, that sounds like a plan. pick your poison. i’m down for whatever.”

“well, it sounds like… a short vacation, you know? you had some time to enjoy this so called silence–or, discover that you actually cannot live without it constantly lecturing you. what i’m really curious to know, though, is what you actually wrote, because i’m in need of some advice now, and there really is no better person than you to ask for it. it’s good, because that means you’ve never had to struggle with coming up with a lie and all that, but the thought alone sounds quite challenging. like, have you really never been tempted to openly fake something? but there are different types on tackiness, i think. there’s the bad, ugly tackiness that actually makes your eyes roll backwards and then you’ve got the somewhat good tackiness–which, surprisingly enough, works. yeah, we should–though, i think billions is a better number here.”

some of us appreciate sports, others appreciate nickelback. you can’t judge me for my interests, harlan, that’s wrong. i’m not denying that i haven’t thought about it, or been interested in doing it, but i haven’t found someone i’d be willing to trust behind the wheel while i’ve got their dick in my mouth. god, i can just imagine baby you trying not to come within the first minute, while also attempting to drive a car. wish i could’ve been a fly on the wall for that one. stop--- the best way to cover up the taste is to add enough frosting. which means... i hope you like frosting, because there’s going to be more of that than actual cake. shut up, i don’t sleep with every guy. i have standards. and ways to relieve my own sexual frustration, if it comes down to it.

“ouch. you could’ve kept up the facade a little longer, aurora. i knew you weren’t being serious, but i was pretending. i just didn’t think you wanted me there. like, you didn’t want to see me and stuff. but maybe, that’s very likely. a sorority prank?”

no, i think it was more than two. maybe... three. you gonna try, or you just gonna keep talking about it? fuck off, hayes. doesn’t mean as much when i’m saying it just to please you. it was something to do with your tweets. and then he asked if i’d fuck you again, and i might have said yes. not a good decision on my part. i haven’t been that busy. besides, you have my number, you can text me. i have some faith in those noodle arms, don’t you worry.

“i really wish i could help you, but there really is no secret. this ‘voice’ isn’t something that comes with an off switch, so it’s not like you can do anything about it—other than learn how to ignore it, i think. it probably won’t make much difference, but you never know until you try. i know you do; it’s easy to hear sincerity in your voice–or, maybe you’re just too damn good at faking it, which i definitely have to give you mad props for. yeah, i’d absolutely love to. hell, they may eventually become some sort of a top trend, so we gotta make them as tacky as possible–which means that we need to be absolutely smashed when we get down to making them. huh, really? it sure sounds like a lot of fun.”

“i know, it’s a shock, but some people actually go to college for an education. to better themselves and all that other bullshit i’m sure you don’t want to hear. probably, when i’m old, i’ll get a job as a librarian. but yeah? you’ve got my attention now. how do you suggest we have fun?”

look--- the struggle wasn’t because i don’t have nice things to say about you, it’s just hard when you have to think of them on the spot. you’d struggle just as much, if not more. shut up, i did believe you. i still believe you, so fuck off with that. we both know that i can keep quiet, hayes, i’m pretty sure you’ve tested that theory before. unless you’ve already forgotten? no, nothing worthwhile. just shit on twitter, i guess, which ended to him asking me something via text and getting mad at my answer. better get back to it, then, before you lose all your muscle. like flat stanley. see, this is another time i’m going to trust you. so you better not fuck me over.

“fuck you, i’m not sharing my sister! forget it.”

“why the fuck not? you can’t tease me like that. share or i’m gonna do worse than the spaghetti, annie.”

i don’t think it is, but maybe it is? i’m not usually wrong, though, so you might wanna fact check it. um--- no, i’ve actually never given road head. never trusted someone enough. the last thing i need is to get into a car accident while a guy’s dick is in my mouth, you know? you ever receive road head? sometimes i just have to make sure. you say some questionable shit. after a few pieces, we won’t even be able to taste the difference, it’ll be fine. yeah, guess you are my dork. i’ll claim you. are you serious? because she probably does, but i’m not sure i’m ready to graduate to the hard stuff just yet.

“well, there’s always gonna be a part of me that’ll doubt absolutely everything in this life; a significantly small one, though, when it comes to our relationship. and this may or may not have something to do with you showering me with compliments—like, i’m actually living for this. trust me, you’re alright; the words you say are actually making sense and don’t make you sound any less intelligent, so you’ve got nothing to worry about. okay, then you’re definitely the best one. just give me a few days to make, like, matching badges for us or something, alright? listen–i’m a self-admitted uncultured swine when it comes to music, so you can’t really blame me for not knowing about that.”