there isnât a single night amelia doesnât fall asleep with tears attached to her face, dreaming of the what ifâs sheâd have if only the universe was kind to her, once. only her la family knows about her deepest secret. her blood related family has absolutely no idea of how TRAGIC her story has become. they donât know about the last time she has fallen off the wagon, what it meant and what it cost her. addison tried to make her tell her family, her brother at least, but she knew how secrets never stay hidden in her family. she couldnât bear to listen to her motherâs disappointed voice another time. she didnât know any other tone to her voice, to be honest, but she felt this time could be the breaking point.
     leaving la behind and go live with her brother in seattle hadnât been an easy decision. she was finally in a happy relationship, with a man she loved and who loved and respected her, working an ideal job. everything was good, she was surrounded by family and soon, sheâd start her own. that thought though was enough to keep her awake at night. that simple thought alone terrified her more than anything else and so she ran. she left james and didnât look back, too overwhelmed by dark feelings. she had only tell derek and meredith that she had broken up her engagement with james but never gave them a reason. meredith probably kept thinking she was just a junkie, too crazy and too childish to make a real commitment. as for derek? she prefered not wondering.
     at the sound of a key entering and opening the front door, amelia wiped her tears as quickly as she could and she straightened up in the couch. she thought the room would fill up with the kids laughter and little screams, running around the house like they werenât there every day. instead, it was solely her brother. she looked at him in the eye, no words needed to understand each other. it didnât matter how much they fought, somehow, their dreadful shared event as kids had bonded them together forever. the house was too silent, only derekâs steps around and as he stepped one of baileyâs toys, a chill ran down her spine and it triggered a whole sobbing moment. she started and she couldnât make it stop. a few seconds later, she tried to focus on breathing i n and breathing o u t. she saw her brother sitting next to her through her clouded blue eyes, concern painted on his own. and just like that, as easy as her tears shaped her face, she started venting like she hadnât before, with him.
       â i canâtâ i canât do this. i CANâT. i donât know how you can do this. be there and be here. have kids, keeping up. i mean, i know but i canât. i justââ oh god.  i was SUPPOSED to have this. not with jamesâ also with james but i canât.   iâm already a mom.  iâm already a mom. â  inhale, exhale.  â iâve had a son, derek. a baby boy. back in la, before james. i was a mom but heâ uh, he had no brain so heâ he died. i got to hold him but thenâ it was T I M E. he donated all of his organs.     he was MY unicorn baby. â
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