˗ˏˋ ♡ Ella ♡´ˎ˗

I loved you with everything in me. Everything I had, I gave it all to you and I let you take up all the room you needed, even though you were never mine, and I was never yours. You lived in my mind, you took over my thoughts, made my heart flutter so disgustingly. You did all that and yet you never even knew.

I never wanted it to come to this, really. In fact, I tried to force myself to believe that I was over you, that I didn’t love you anymore. Over the years, I was never angry with you, and so I didn’t want to end this time angry with you either, but it didn’t work. Nothing would work, actually, so this letter is my last resort

Before I wrote this, I asked myself what it was about you that drew me in so closely towards you? What kept me so tightly wrapped around your finger that it could cut off the circulation? Why did I keep hanging on after so many years? But I couldn’t find an answer. I didn’t know why, but no matter what I did, and how hard I tried, I couldn’t get you out of my head. I was stuck. The image of you wouldn’t budge. It was like I was trapped in a room with iron walls and the door had no handle. I couldn’t escape. The warning signs wouldn’t veer me off on a different path because it was like they were covered with the sweet thought of you.

But then, one random night, I realised how tired I was. I noticed how trapped I felt and I didn’t like it, so here I am, writing this to you, to try and finally get over you. This is what I feel like I need to do in order to be normal again… to feel free because I’m tired of this stupid, aching feeling I get when I think about you. I got tired of knowing the one I wanted didn’t want me back. I got tired of thinking about someone I knew who never thought about me. I didn’t like how you constantly haunted my dreams when I didn’t even know if you dreamed at all. What if you just slept at night? Do you know how boring that is? I was tired of being held back by someone who didn’t even know their hold on me, and I wanted it to stop. I wanted you to let me go so I can move on with my life. I didn’t want to be hyper-aware of every move I make when we're in the same room. I want to be free of these feelings because these feelings suck.

They suck and they’re making me mad.

I feel like I’m starting to regret them all because of how annoying this has been. I want to take every emotion I’ve felt so far because of you, and give them back, so you can experience everything I have because of you. I want you to try and be me, just for once, so you know what it feels like… just for a day. I want you to see me and crave the attention that you know you’ll never get from me. I want you to feel the pain I felt, and how your heart strained when you see me. I want you to long for my attention, to yearn for it, only to find out that I can’t stand you. That every time I see you I cringe with disgust. I want you to know what all of this feels like, because the fact of the matter is, you’re just a boy who thinks too highly of himself when that simply is not the case. You’re a womaniser and a douchebag at best. You’re a delusional love-bomber that needs to be put in his place.

My final words to you are as follows: Screw you.