MBFH ❤️

Dear Heart (na puro na band-aid at peklat),

So kumusta ka na? Buhay ka pa ba? Para ka nang nadaanan ng sampung lindol at benteng bagyo ah. Pero parang mukhang mas madami ka pang buhay sa pusa. Hanggang ngayon, hanga parin ako sa tapang mo. Hanggang ngayon, buo ka parin magmahal. Hanggang ngayon, nakakaya mo paring magtiwala. Hanggang ngayon...tanga ka parin. Ay sorry! Sorry, bago ata yang bendahe mo? Asensado tayo ha. Hindi na band-aid, benda na. Congrats ha! Naglelevel-up ka na. Ano kamo? Sariwa pa yan? O saan ka ba nadapa? San ka na naman ba nahulog at nagkadurog-durog na naman yang ibang parte mo? Ang tibay mo bes. Laban ka parin nang laban eh.

So ilang hit-and-run pa ang dapat mong madaanan para magising ka na talaga? Eh lahat na lang kasi ng magbibigay ng free band-aid sayo, akala mo sila na yung magbibigay ng unlimited supply sayo. Di ganun yun bes. Ilang beses ka na bang nakarinig nang paulit-ulit na pangako? Hindi ka pa ba naririndi? Eh yung pagpaparamdam sayo na mahalaga ka at mahal ka, ilan na? Pare-parehas lang naman eh. Oo, binubuo ka nila. Pero bago ka pa nila tuluyang mabuo, binibitiwan ka na...ayan, pira-piraso ka na naman. So band-aid at benda na lang ba tayo forever? Napakabilis mo naman kasi ipagkatiwala ang sarili mo. Ano kamo? Kasalanan ko? Hoy ah, lagi kitang pinipigilan. Pero go ka lang nang go. Ako nga yung friend mo na iniiwan mo pag sobrang saya mo eh. O ayan, magkausap na naman tayo kasi walang magtatali niyang benda mo.

Hayaan mo bes. Lagi naman ako andito for you. Ako lang naman ang hindi nang-iiwan sayo diba? O sige na, hug na kita. Next time, hindi na kita iiwan. Wag mo din ako pangunahan. Sabay tayo. Aalalayan kita. Pero sa ngayon...magpahinga ka na. Alam ko pagod ka na. Matagal ka nang pagod. Okay lang yan. Baka nga oras na para maghilom ka nang kusa. Aalagaan kita hanggang makaya mo na at sasamahan na kita...forever bes.

I think the most vital part of falling in love is 'readiness'. I also think that for a person who went through numerous heart breaks and is still positively believing in the power of love, readiness is not a question. The only problem is if the other person is ready...or not.

I've been through so much that you could say, "Pang-MMK na yan!". No, really, in all seriousness. Different situations. Different stories. Different heart breaks. But I stand up after each one, with a heart ready to fight again. Can you call me not normal if I say that after a minor heart break, I am ready to give the love I can give again. Stupid, right? Well I don't really care. I follow my heart and I speak what my mind says.

I don't really know what's wrong with me, or what I do wrong, but I always end up alone and hurt. Just a few months ago, I was in a very heart-racing 'no-label' relationship with a colleague. We were youngsters who only cared about being with each other. In the end, he got back with his EX and I was left alone, without at least a decent explanation. It started to fade and things got bleak and then poof! (Cues "We Don't Talk Anymore" by Charlie Puth ft. Selena Gomez) we just stopped talking. I actually saw that break coming. He wasn't wholly mine to begin with, so...but hey, someone came unexpectedly. And here's where this entry is actually all about...

For a year, I was giving spiritual formation to other youth around my age. I had prior formation so I was assigned to do it. These kids are actually a part of a scholarship program where I became a part also. The goal was to nourish their spiritual selves and live better lives. I was then assigned to lead the College group. And there I met this cutie. He was my crush-at-first-sight. Mind you, this happened way before I had a thing with that colleague of mine. So going back, he's this definition of a walking man doll. His physique, those strong jaws, pretty eyes and lashes (that I still gush over), how he dresses, and that mysterious aura - he's an OPPA. So I had my eyes on him but not just because he looks so dang good, but because I saw a potential in him. He's quiet and reserved but I know he has something valuable to share to everyone, he just needs more time and formation. So I decided to bring him as one of the representatives of our community to an event in Manila. We were 5 and he managed pretty well, actually. After that, I saw a changed man. He was more open and he became willing to share his side, stories, reflections, and everything to the group. I saw him as an achievement. I never thought I'd be able to bring out that side of him.

And because he had formation in Manila, he became one of the officers to handle an event for our community. He's dependable and very responsible. I saw a more jolly and brighter side to him. He's just dazzling whenever I see him. He's...sincere...and very...I don't even know how to describe him. His growth was nothing like the others. Don't get me wrong! I'm not biased. I just never realized that I had my eyes on him ever since. I've always been watching him and becomes happy looking at him.

So fast forward, we have this group chat for all of the officers and that's where I started to feel comfortable teasing him. Not really teasing, but I say stupid honest things! Like, he was cute while doing their group cheer, or how he looks manly and handsome. OMG! Yes! Was I drunk? No, I just felt like he deserved to know. The others in the group started to, yes, tease us. They gave us a love team name. I thought he won't ride with the jokes but he did. There he said that he was smiling and was not offended. We had our love team page, created by one of our co-officers, we created a call sign (which he researched himself because I wanted it haha), we chose a theme song (you can guess it, come on! Yes! "Ikaw" by Yeng Constantino!) - we did everything. He would make 'banat' and pick up lines. I am honestly super kilig! I don't know. I know I got over 'Mr. Colleague' already. And this man, he's making me feel so different.

We had our follow-up overnight at my sister's crib. Of course, he's there. And so we had an honest talk and there he said that he loves everyone BUT he loves me more. So the damsel in distress that is yours truly, felt her heart beating fast. So kilig!

Or that's what I thought...

People...he's not ready. He's scared. He doesn't know if he can handle a relationship. He's scared that he might hurt me.

Me? Call me straightforward. Call me too strong. Call me desperate. I don't care. Why?

I've been looking at him for a year and I only realize now that I see him as someone worthwhile. I was looking at him thinking that the girl he will love will be so lucky to have a man so sincere and reliable. I was looking at him not realizing that this same man will express his feelings for me.

Again, don't get me wrong, I am not in a hurry. Maybe I just feel bad that he's having second thoughts about everything. Maybe I am overthinking again? I just...don't know how to tell him to never be afraid. To let it all go...

You know why I am starting to get scared? Communication is not constant. I don't know how I will reach out for him or if I should be the one reaching out. I feel like, his feelings will die down sooner, and I'm scared that it will happen once I finally decide to go and reach out to hold him. I am now full of what if's and slowing down's.