Mazey:>

It started the way that most things seemed to with James Potter - with him noticing something that he wasn't meant to.

You had been friends with James, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew and Remus Lupin since fourth year and slowly brought your other friends - Lily Evans, Dorcus Meadows and Marlene McKinnon - into the fold until by your final year you were all one big inseparable crew. Still, there were certainly small separations and alliances, arguments and drunken fucks and little feuds that would be forgotten by the next morning. Only you hadn't forgotten about having sex with James Potter, and nor had he.

Nothing had changed between you two - on the surface, but if anyone looked closer they would've seen it. The way that his friendly monitoring of your actions had become something more, with light touches and admitted concern when you were late to class or didn't show up to lunch. He'd never cared about things like that before.

The truth was, James had started seeing your change weeks ago - your silent decline - and had wanted to address it on that night in which you'd slept together. Instead, he’d ended up drunkenly confessing to his least scary feelings about you - namely the ones involving how much he wanted to fuck you - and so the night had ensued as so. Now he was beginning to regret only saying those parts, thinking that he might've made your habits worse. The timings certainly matched up.

When he'd first noticed it in the weeks prior, it had been in the Great Hall, watching you with a big grin on your face as you joked and laughed with everyone, picking and pushing at the food on your plate but never quite bringing much to your mouth. Nobody else noticed, but of course he did.

Then he started to see the way that your smile would grow tighter when Sirius joked about how much he could eat. How when everyone else joined in, competing in a game of who could eat the craziest munchies snack, you said nothing. How quick you were to deny an invite to a bakery in Hogsmeade with a poor excuse of how busy you were, whilst everyone else excitedly set on trying the new fairy dusted chocolate cakes.

"Your loss. What else do you even have to do? You literally have no life." Sirius had joked and you had playfully insulted him back, laughing but not from your belly.

When the gang had brought you back treats from the bakery and excitedly handed them to you, James had noticed how you'd flinched almost imperceptibly. And then as they all waited with impatient eyes to see your reaction, a sharp uncharacteristic awkwardness had exuded from you so much so that they'd all noticed - quickly dialling down the pressure to enjoy the cupcakes.

James had tried to brush it off at first. Maybe you just weren't hungry, maybe it was stress, everyone was stressed. But he wasn't dense, he just hoped for the best - especially for you.

It was undeniable now though, watching you in the flickering light of the common room, a foot apart in front of the fire and each focusing on separate study material. Admittedly though, James was struggling to focus, obsessing over how beautiful you looked close up in the orange light, but also the slight changes in the face that he knew so well. Sunken in eyes and hollow cheeks. When your sleeve fell down as you reached for a fresh ink pot and revealed a wrist that looked far too delicate to even lift a quill, let alone belong to someone who used to spend most nights climbing the various castle towers with ease, James decided that he had to say something.

"Hey." He whispered softly, aware that there was no one else in the common room at the late hour but cautious anyway.

You looked up from your parchment hesitantly, hating how close he was to you and how much you liked it - his skin only being inches from yours felt like a cruel tease.

"What's up?" You whispered, looking back down at your parchment nonchalantly.

"When was the last time you ate something?" He asked quietly, sounding like he'd just asked a simple question out of plain curiosity.

Which realistically, you supposed he had.

Still, you froze, feeling as if the air in the room had suddenly gone still and the fire had gotten uncomfortably hot.

Ever since you'd slept with James and realised just how strong your feelings were for him, your self esteem had taken a devastating hit. You logically knew that it had just been an act out of boyish lust from James - something that he was known for - and that it wasn't a big deal that he hadn't tried to initiate anything again after. Emotionally though, you felt rejected and used, and somehow, as those feelings often had in the past, that had manifested into an obsession with your weight - a painful, gnawing desire to be perfect.

"I'm not having a go at you or anything." He added quickly, seeing how stiff you'd gotten.

"I- I do eat, James." You poorly tried to pull off a playful tone but miserably failed.

He slid off the couch and sat on the rug beside you, creating no distance between you now, and spoke as if he hadn't heard your last statement.

"I've just- I've noticed it. You've not been yourself, not for a while but especially not since.. well-"

"I'm fine." You spoke quickly with a blush. "I just haven't been hungry. I've been busy."

You bit your lip and squeezed your eyes shut for a moment, wishing he would go away. Offended that he was even insinuating that something was wrong with you - and although he was very correct, why did he care now? Why couldn't he have cared on that morning in which you'd woken up in each others arms? When you needed so badly to hear him call you beautiful, and all he could do was laugh about how messy the previous night had been.

"I don't believe you, darling." He spoke firmly but still quietly, studying you in a way that could only be described as painfully gentle - so full of worry.

"You're not yourself. You're tired all of the time, dizzy when you stand up, always cold. I never see you eat-"

"James, I- I'm fine." You cut him off, but you hadn't expected for your voice to shake the way that it did, or for him to continue on, seeming even more determined to get his message across than before.

"No, you're not Y/N. And I can see it. I've been seeing it for a while. I should've said something that night. It really hit me then-"

"What, that I was a drunken mess and you regret fucking me. You don't have to say it." You hissed, not expecting the words to come out so bitterly, but thinking you'd at least defended yourself from a gut wrenching insult.

He scoffed dryly, almost sounding insulted.

"No, actually Y/N. What hit me was how thin you've gotten."

And with that you froze again, all the courage you'd mustered in the seconds beforehand flying away with the blunt concern of James voice.

James put a firm hand on your shoulder, and you didn't have any resistance- not to stand up and walk away as you really wanted to do. You didn't feel as if you could've lifted your legs up those stairs and into your dorm anyway, weighted down with the heaviness of the truth that James had pointed out.

"Why have you been doing this to yourself? I don't get it. Is it a control thing? Is it stress? Has someone said something to you?... Because if it's about how you look, well I've got to say you're beautiful, Y/N. Incredibly so. But at the moment... you don't look very well."

You could barely manage to turn your head away, so overwhelmed, your bottom lip trembling as you whispered "Please don't-"

"Don't what? Care? Don't speak the truth?... I love you. I'll always care."

And that did it.

Your whole body started to shake, the thin layer of wetness that had started to build along your eye line erupting into a thick, streaming trail of tears. You struggled to hold back a choked sob between your outpouring of truth.

"It's just so hard- it's stupid, James... I- I don't deserve to be loved by you, a-and I was so mad that you didn't say anything- after we- slept together… but I don’t deserve it anyway… not your care or your love... I just- I don’t know- we shouldn’t have- I’m sorry.”

“Oh no… Don’t apologise. Of course you deserve my care and love. You deserve everyone’s care and love.” He whispered, pulling you into a hug and trying to hide the shame in his face. “I didn’t realise I was going to make you feel like this… I’m sorry. I- I guess I just… when I say I love you, I don’t just mean it as a friend. And I was so excited to- to be with you… I’m sorry, Y/N. This probably isn’t helping.”

“No, James. I- I feel the same way.” You quickly admitted, and though you were quietly elated, you still felt indescribably defeated.

You were just so tired.

Then James pulled his body slightly from yours so that he could look into your eyes, asking you in a serious tone “So are you going to start looking after yourself now? For me? Scrap that - for everyone?”

You were quickly rigid and almost annoyed again, wanting to scoff at the ridiculous ignorance of James expectation. Did he really think that unrequited love was the reason behind your eating disorder?

You sighed and looked down at your parchment again.

“It’s not that simple… I’m not just.. doing this because of you. It’s more than that, that night just… didn’t help.” You muttered then, not wanting James to feel bad, added “It’s a habit- I don’t know. I need just need to be better… I need to be perfect.”

James nodded, trying to seem like he understood though his face that showed he didn’t.

“But you are perfect… I mean, no one is.. but you’re the closest thing.” He whispered, and though you knew that he was trying to be vulnerable, you did scoff this time.

“You’re bluffing, James. I don’t want to hear this stuff just because you feel bad and you think you need to say it... I’m not stupid.”

“No, you’re not stupid, but you’re not right either.” He returned with a sheepish smile before continuing in his more solemn tone. His mood was certainly better for knowing that you wanted him too, but he was still dominated by guilt and concern.

“You’re right that I feel bad, but I mean what I’m saying right now. And I know that might be hard to believe because I’m such an unromantic idiot… but I want to be there for you. I don’t want you to fight this alone anymore, darling… I can’t bare to see you get any more unwell.”

And though you wanted to argue further - to reject any form of help or love - you kept your mouth closed and nodded. Instead, you allowed yourself to sink into his body and accept his warmth. It was what you’d wanted for so long and although it felt great to have it, there was still a grey cloud looming over your head - heavy and numbing. James could see that. Even as you both snuck into his dorm to spend the winter night wrapped around each other, quietly giggling against warm flesh, you were holding things back. But it would be a conversation for the morning. For now, his lips and yours would silently talk each other into comfortable sleep, and James was beyond content with that. He hoped that he’d never stop noticing the small things - not when they were this important, and especially not when it came to you.