It’s amazing really when you find this one person - the one you never thought would fit quite nicely in the space of your heart as if it’s meant to be there. Though as far as you’re concerned, your heart has always known - it flew before you even reached the airport; it danced before you even took the first step forward. It’s beautiful and it fills you with so much love that you don’t know whether to burst and how and where to put your hands and how to love louder so it echoes in his ears. And you recall the time he brushed a strand of hair off your face and it felt like butterfly wings fluttering against your cheeks and you thought, “stay, stay, stay” because that, you’ll never get used to that and you hoped you don’t. Oh you hope you never will. And you hope he feels the same way too. You hope you fill him enough because he fills you enough. Because you love this beautiful boy who touches your dark parts like they’re light, who explores you with such curiosity and vigor that you’re breathless each time he drags his fingers over your skin. And you kiss him with feelings because words aren’t enough sometimes. So you’ve learned the language of his touches and he has learned the definition of your sighs - you can write a novel on every interaction. Endless tales on every move of this special dance. It’s wonderful really when you find this one person. And sometimes it feels overwhelming, in a good way, because he’s making you feel all sorts of things, unraveling all of you in order to know all of you, memorizing every crook and cranny, and loving you all the same. You know this is enough. You know this boy is enough because he nuzzles your nose and says you’re beautiful without knowing that sometimes you don’t agree - and he’s there, with his smiling eyes and gentle hands, giving and showing you love the way he knows how. And you say, stay, stay, stay.

it will not be at 3 am in someone else’s arms and it will not be when you throw the box of pictures and letters and memories across the room because they’re gone now. They are gone now and you can’t do a thing about it. this is how you will fall out of love, it will be slow and it will be painful, like slowly tearing a band-aid off, except worse. It will be gradual, like the first time you realized you were falling into love. You may be walking down the hallway of your home when you forget what their nose looks like. There will be flashbacks and times where you imagine them to be right next to you at anytime. You will smell the cigarette smoke and look around, because that used to be them. A stranger will smile at you and you will wish they weren’t around to see you cry. this is how you will fall out of love, when you realize you used past tense to talk about them. This time you did not have to correct yourself and you did not cry. There will be stormy nights and you will want to text them, “I miss you” but you don’t. You don’t because it’s time. It’s time and you both know it and even though it hurts, you make the decision to turn out the lights and fall asleep alone. this is how you will fall out of love, you will see someone and think they are cute and you will not feel shame because you saw someone that was not them. You will find yourself staring at your reflection in the mirror, with water dripping off of your freckled skin, right after your shower. You will connect your freckles and pinch your love handles and you will close your eyes and you will remember all the times they held you, but you will not miss them. You will allow yourself this one night of no regrets, this one night of not missing them, this one night of being alone and knowing you’re worthy, because there have been so many nights harder than this one. this is how you will fall out of love, you will finally forgive them for keeping that from you. It will be less about forgiving and more about forgetting. You will stop blaming yourself, you will stop imagining a future where you meet ten years down the road in a coffee shop or a punk show where your favorite band is playing, and you start over. There is no starting over. You know this is the end. You know it won’t happen again. this is how you will fall out of love, there will be many sleepless nights. there will be many sleepless nights. there will be many sleepless nights. there will be many sleepless nights, but one day you will drift off to sleep and you won’t dream of them. It will be hard and it may take seven months or a year or three years but you will fall out of love with them and it will hurt and you will hold them in your knees like grass stains that don’t wash out and you may forget their face and you may forget their name but they are a part of you now. You will fall out of love with them and they will fall out of love with you and you will forever see love differently. You will forever see God differently. You will talk to the Divine like they are human, like they are broken, like they have loved and lost it all, too. this is how you will fall out of love, you will remember that you could never promise forever and you will realize that this was good for as long as it lasted. Your love was fresh and pure until it ran out. You will understand that it did not need to last forever, it did not need to become stale.

The best relationships are the ones you don’t expect to be in, the ones you never saw coming.

I just want my head on your chest until I fall asleep listening to your heart beat as if it is a lullaby.

I don’t look for you in everyone anymore.

Life is too short for shitty sex and bad relationships. So go find someone who fucks you right and treats you how you deserve to be treated.

Never expect someone to respect your feelings because you respected theirs. Never expect someone not to hurt you because you would never hurt them.

I’m loyal to who is loyal to me.

Sometimes you end up never speaking to someone who meant the world to you again. And that’s okay. You cope and you survive. Don’t let your losses keep you back from new gains.

…things get broken, and sometimes they get repaired, and in most cases, you realize that no matter what gets damaged, life rearranges itself to compensate for your loss, sometimes wonderfully.

I hope it keeps you awake at night.