Find Peace In Chaos

All my wounds are bleeding at the same time, and i think im gonna die. A part or me is dying, as i cannot be who i am. Why did it take this long? Why am i so broken?!

I hate it. Just end it already..

Vanishing into nothing sounds so nice. I tire of hearing the half true words of love and care..no one really cares. They say they do for their own consciousness. People do not love or chase or heal others. They take. Im so tired of enduring in silence.

Why cant they see me? Am i hard to understand? Am i difficult? Am i too much? Do i ask for too much? The internet says "make space for yourself, take up room when you need to" but how does one do that? With out falling appart when no one cares to acknowledge you? How do you react when they dismiss your tears scars and pain? . Im exhausted with hearing the words " your depressed? No way, your so strong!" "Your tough you can handle it." "Your too tough to be depressed."

The expectation that because i have endured, i can continue to. The thought of " oh, she will understand, shes really nice" but no one seems to understand me. No one seems to reciprocate the efforts i make to love and let them heal. I make a safe space for others, rarely os it ever made for me, so i sit with myself in isolation and wonder why my needs are so easy to ignore. Theyll say get some therapy, well i am. I pay someone to pretend they care about my mental health and even then it dosnt feel real. It must be me. I must be the desease on my own life. I must have some severe red flags ppl are afraid to get to close to?

The most depressing thing about this is.. i dont think i have the ability to open up even if i wanted to. I dont have the ability to trust, even if i wanted to. The most i have is this post.